MIT Experts demand global dictatorship to fight climate, pandemic, inequality crises
BELONGING is the mantra, and obedience is they key. MIT Experts prescribe solidarity and sacrifice for planetary wellbeing.
Empowered MIT administrators celebrate their total hegemony
MIT’s administrative staff now outnumbers faculty by more than three to one, with total staff outnumbering faculty by over ten to one.
MIT social scientist touts the benefits of Imposter Syndrome
MIT’s President Sally Kornbluth has declared November to be Imposter Month. “Belonging is for everyone,” she proclaimed, “even those who haven’t a clue.”
Inside MIT’s Woke Grooming Programs
Surprise your parents by coming home from college for Thanksgiving break as a whole new you.
The BIPOC-FEM-LGBTQing of Philosophy
The heteropatriarchy must be cleansed of the influence of dead white males whose philosophies created Western Civilization, the most oppressive culture in human history.
New MIT mascot “Woke TIM” debuts
Behold: The new Woke TIM (xe/xem), available for download here so you can paste it onto your retorts, jibes, mockeries, and impotent expressions of outrage over what has befallen our beloved alma mater.
MIT observes 9/11 with … DEI Wellness Day
“What can we do to justify the existence of our growing staff of overpaid non-productive bureaucrats?” I know, let’s offer them a spa day!
ChatGPT fills in for the Babbling Beaver
The Babbling Beaver decided to give our future AI overlord a spin and asked it to compose today’s Beaver Dropping.
Fully Feminizing STEM and MIT
Disparate outcomes can only be due to systemic bias and discrimination. Demasculinization must continue until proportional representation is achieved.
ACTA takes aim at university bias reporting systems
Bias reporting system anonymous denunciations create a safe and inclusive environment in which the values of Belonging can be inculcated.
MIT bystander intervention instruction
Staying prepared to butt into other people’s conversations and social interactions helps condition everyone to carefully monitor their behavior.
Welcome MIT freshpersons – Belonging begins with Obedience
Our large and growing staff of DEI professionals will teach you what you can and cannot say, which is the first step toward understanding what you can and cannot think.
Build a better climate at MIT
If you aspire to do social engineering on a global scale, garnering a lifetime of grants and subsidies from western governments, then MIT has a new major for you.
MIT losing race to hire disgraced leftists
Why should the leading STEM university in the world be left out of the prestige garnering process of hiring disgraced leftists?
Assessing Science by Diversity Factor
The new way to evaluate medical research journal articles is the Diversity Factor, a social justice metric based on authors’ gender, race, ethnicity, national origin, and socioeconomic background.
Announcing the Golden Beaver Award
In keeping with the maxim that Mockery is the Best Policy, the Babbling Beaver is pleased to announce the Golden Beaver Award.
Uyghur surveillance featuring MIT AI
Without doublethink and newspeak the greatest STEM university in the world couldn’t play its rightful part in the New World Order.
Intersectional neurodivergent justice at MIT
Our diverse community reflects an expanding spectrum of identities, neurological divergences, and emergent psychopathologies.
MIT ‘Rewiring Social Media’
Learn the best ways to remove content that threatens social order. Discover techniques to monitor websites and penalize offenders.
MIT Appoints Dean of BIPOC Verification
In its quest to keep affirmative action alive, MIT has promoted Stu Shill to a new position as the Dean of BIPOC Verification.
The Burbling Beiber returns with another hit single: SHASS-ist Phony
Give a listen and a laugh to the Burbling Beiber’s SHASS-ist Phony as you sing along with the procacious hate speech lyrics.
MIT President doubles down on DEI
MIT’s president Sally Kornbluth launches a bold move to defy the Supreme Court’s ruling ending affirmative action.
Urban Planning and the New NetZero Man
Experts are redesigning your urban spaces, your life, your work, your diet, and your values, remaking you into the New NetZero Man.
Take a “Belonging” tour of MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism
In the wake of the SCOTUS ruling it’s time for MIT to double down on its rebranded DEI programs by a shift to an emphasis on Belonging.
Carbon indulgences’ sustainable virtue
Enjoy fossil fuels without sacrificing your ability to lecture others on their evils with carbon indulgences’ sustainable virtue.
“Woke Tim” photoshop contest
The Babbling Beaver is pleased to announce the “Woke TIM” photoshop contest, your chance to show off your pirate chops as a techno-wizard of visual mockery.
AI hysteria empowers MIT experts
The latest monster stalking the land is Artificial Intelligence. MIT Sloan School is calling for a Global AI Observatory (GAIO) modeled on the IPCC.
Lincoln Laboratory advances national defense with all-gender bathrooms
Do your restrooms give each and every person a “sense of belonging” while alleviating concerns regarding privacy, odor, and embarrassment?
MIT Intercultural Engagement Team: The intersectionality path to power
The IE team is but one ministry in MIT’s Division of Student Life, an army of proselytizing administrators reporting to Wokengruppenführer Melissa Nobles.
AI headshot generators de-Asianize to help defeat DEI identity quotas
With some prompt engineering you can work your way up the hierarchy of oppression to the peak of DEI desirability as a black handicapped lesbian transwoman.
MIT faculty chair calls for distributive equity through governance archeology
Confidence in experts will be restored through “governance archeology” and “democratic trusteeship” with the means of production regulated by a Ministry of the Future.
MIT social scientists improve fleshbot performance with generative AI
Stop worrying that the DEI takeover of STEM will cause planes to fall from the sky and doctors to kill people. Artificial Intelligence is arriving just in time to substitute for the real thing.
LGBTQ inclusion quotas for STEM unites MIT and the National Science Foundation
Dismantling the cisheteropatriarchy and decolonizing science is absolutely required to regain the public’s trust after the Covid pandemic fiasco.
Marxist, feminist, black radical MIT urban planning crusaders battle white supremacy
“How might urban planners incorporate reparative justice practices to heal the harms generated by white supremacy in our cities and across our patterns of life?”
MIT Sloan School to launch executive MBA for Adversity Score Consultants
The racial gaming of admissions is a longstanding underground practice that needs to be brought into the light, valorized, and imbued with scientific rigor.
Declaration of Woke Independence
WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for alumni, faculty, students, and friends of the world’s greatest STEM university to dissolve the ideological derangements that hold its community in thrall …
Belonging, Achievement & Composition Plan must now adopt the one-drop rule
The Supreme Court may have killed affirmative action, but DEI is forever. Only cisheteropatriachal science deniers believe gender is binary.
New data-driven MIT swim coach gender-affirms entire male swim team as trans
MIT has hired Dylan Mulvaney to teach the freshly minted female identifying swimmers how to act like women whenever NCAA investigators come sniffing around.
MIT opens new frontier for administrative growth: The Undergrad Advising Center
“Today’s students are so much less resilient, more fragile, and lacking in critical cultural capital compared to prior generations.”
Babbling Beaver seeks Photoshop wizard to join our pirate crew
Do you have the Photoshop skills to aid our sacred mission of tormenting the woke minions who have taken over the world’s leading STEM university?
SHASS sends the MIT Economics Department to the back of the bus
In the SHASS lamasery of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion, celebrations of merit cannot stand. Last month feminist hackers defaced the wall of honor.
MIT computer modeling experts advance GOSPLAN tools for green Sovietization
Totally unbiased social-scientific answers for the most complex global technology policy questions can now be delivered at the push of a button.
Got wokeist math? Sing along with the Gabbling Geezers
Two plus two, is it true that the answer’s something new? Can anybody still do math? Is it five, is it three? It all depends on equity. We must erase this racist math.
Miss Grundy from the National Academies delivers stern #MITShutDownSTEM lecture
Standardized testing must be de-emphasized. “Lived Experience” and “Indigenous Ways of Knowing” are the new scientific method.
MIT hosts a Woke Chemistry festival to advance the careers of fellow travelers
Come to the 2023 MIT Chemistry Future Faculty Symposium and learn how to leverage your demonstrated contributions to enhancing DEI into a tenure track job.
MIT never used racial quotas, but banning them will threaten diversity
Covering up the continuation of racialist policies that MIT never followed will be hard. But Belonging, Achievement, and Composition leaves no other choice.
MIT SOLVE Challenge award winning flowerpot hats fight climate change
This year’s top SOLVE Challenge honors go to Ophelia Chapeaus, the first headwear company dedicated to saving the planet.
Acolytes of Moloch seek representation in MIT’s interfaith chaplaincy
“Retrieving pagan wisdom is a critical component of making peace with nature’s spirit world,” explained Professor of Baal Studies at MIT.
The Beaver introduces MIT’s answer to Tom Lehrer – The Burbling Beiber
Give a listen and a chortle to his debut hit single “When I Was a Lass” (with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan).
First-of-its-kind indigenous immersive incubator gathers on MIT campus
Gaze upon the face of the diverse, equitable, and inclusive future of STEM education and wonder, what will virtuous MIT culture come up with next?
MIT Gender Equity in STEM Challenge fights against incorrect female choices
Social engineers at SOLVE are determined to get women to make life choices that are best for society, making every endeavor perfectly gender balanced.
MIT’s Division of Student Life embodies the woke way of in-loco-parentis
Cotton candy, pink rabbits, balloons, and rubber duckies. Affirmation, validation, medication, and valorization. All of this and more awaits at MIT.
The Babbling Beaver seeks right-wing extremists to poke fun of at MIT
Volunteers are fanning out across the campus underground tunnel network in which these Proud Boy, QAnon, MAGA, white supremacists must be hiding.
Calling all loyal cadres – you too can be an MIT secret police bias informant
Help wield the power that comes with combining secret police, judge, jury, and executioner into one.
MIT Graduate Student Union votes down contract offer. We demand a closed shop!
The union insists that graduate students be referred to by their desired pronouns, as well as guaranteeing them access to gender-affirming restrooms.
New AI chatbot passes DEI Turing Test to become MIT’s flawless diversity director
Why pay $300,000 a year when you can get de rigueur guidance and a steady stream of noble sounding word salads for nothing?
MIT racism research award winner pursues “witnessing” via comic books
Witnessing Comics for Social Justice will “explore issues of social justice such as racial and gender equity, climate change, and economic inequality.”
Scientists at MIT’s media lab build an ethically enriched world. For parrots.
How’s that for using research dollars at the world’s leading STEM university to build a better world? Don’t miss the supplemental video.
MIT Climate Justice Program helps redirect giant rivers of federal money
In her inaugural address MIT’s new president Sally Kornbluth indicated that “at least 20% of MIT’s faculty work on questions related to climate change.”
Latest document dump on Epstein bedfellows drags MIT back into the news
The lure of a tender young kiss is too much for some men to resist. So Epstein and his pals used some hot little gals to lure scads of them into a tryst.
MIT SOLVE social justice programs unleash swarms of Greta Thunbergs
The breathtaking scope of social activism made possible by SOLVE is transforming the culture at the world’s leading STEM university.
Critical race theory advocate-therapists help MIT stay abreast in the harms race
Don’t let the friendly smiles fool you. Beneath them lurks the exalted power of social justice therapy dispensed with divine advocacy.
MIT students rebuke their woke warrior Undergraduate Association president
In a three-act tragicomedy challenging the Beaver’s ability to cast reality in a satirical light, MIT undergraduates cancelled their UA president.
Fomenting identity hatred, self-censorship, denunciations guarantee DEI immortality
A leaked report from MIT’s “Belonging, Achievement, and Composition” planning process portends years of full employment for hundreds of DEI professionals.
MIT invites all loyal subjects to the coronation of its new Queen
This Saturday MIT will inaugurate its newest president, marking the first time the world’s leading STEM university has been entirely led by women.
MIT study: ‘Thousands more’ climate change studies by 2100 due to climate change studies
“Our irrefutable computer models prove that by the year 2100 98% of all published science articles will be about climate change.”
MIT top DEI bureaucrat moves on to collect his career capstone reward
Our fondest hope is that Chancellor Melissa Nobles also finds herself a nice liberal arts college at which she can step up to the presidency.
Snowflake poster attack at MIT fights against free speech with free speech
A bizarre attempt by opponents of MIT’s Free Expression Statement to demonstrate harm caused by free speech was greeted with confused laughter and derision.
MIT pro-DEI debater declares war on intersectionality interlopers
Civil rights legislation turned into a step ladder for white women, the disabled, LGBTQIA to shoehorn their way into Negro corrective actions.
The new MIT Museum celebrates f*cking the patriarchy with female semen
Watch re-enactments of the ancient Greek women-only pig sacrifice festival of Thesmophoria complete with ejaculating synthetic female seminal fluid.
MIT MindHandHeart values workshops are standing by to absorb you
Are you of the body? The body is one. Blessed be the body. Community and Belonging are the foundational values of higher education.
MIT declares May “DEI glorification month”
“The souls of America’s future scientists and engineers are raw clay in your hands. Students must be taught to embrace their designated identities.”
Radical feminist MIT professor fights a righteous battle against reality
Sally is an inspiration to the legions of neurotic women and transgender felons spawned by MIT’s burgeoning Gender Studies departments.
MIT students confer with Vice President Kamala Harris to suck CO2 out of the air
“Carbon is bad. Make it go away or you’re all going to die!” warned Ms. Harris, reading from cue cards in between nervous cackles.
MIT Sloan school leads the fight against workplace microinequities
Wokesplaining workplace behavior designed to dismantle the white cisheteropatriarchy has apparently become the primary mission of MIT’s Sloan School.
MIT adult daycare professionals thrive as student mental health crisis blossoms
Need an Adderall fix? Run out of lube and condoms to get safely buggered? Having a breakdown after being misgendered? WE CAN FIX THAT!
NBA racist? No, white men can’t jump. Not enough black students study rocks? Racism!
Disparate impact analysis contends that if the racial composition of any field doesn’t match that of the general population, the cause must be systemic racism.
MIT Random Acts of Kindness (RAK) Week followed by Random Taunts of Derision (RTD)
Sharpen your tongues, thicken your hides and join the fun you crybully, lickspittle, nancy boy, snowflake, imposter syndrome, DEI-admit neurotics.
MIT refuses to defend its DEI policies. Commercial DEI operators step into the ring.
And why should they? With the mandate of heaven behind them they are answerable to no one, their bully pulpits secure.
MIT data feminists call for epistemic disobedience of the cisheteropatriarchy
What is knowledge? What is data? What is reality? The answer is – whatever we say it is! Because everything is a social construct.
Queer-Feminist-Antiracism spaceship design brings social justice to Mars
“Capitalism, colonialism, racism, patriarchy, and heteronormative culture create interlocking systems of oppression.” Behold STEM education at MIT.
Mushroom wisdom wielded by MIT anthropologists to decolonize biology
MIT anthropologist invokes the primal consciousness of Matsutake mushrooms as channeled through Potawatomi indigenous ways of knowing.
MIT researchers determined to teach large language models wokespeak
Language models will be imprinted with biases dedicated to the creation of an ideal world. Experts assure us that this can be done by optimizing “fairness.”
MIT Alumni Association roiled by attempt to introduce diverse viewpoints
“We work hard to make sure the Alumni Association faithfully transmits only approved narratives to our credulous alumni designed to make them open their wallets.”
The Midnight Ride of the Beaver’s Sneer
Listen, my children, and you shall hear of the woke march through a school you hold dear. The Ivies had already taken a dive but at MIT hope was still alive.
MIT “Poet of Code” spearheads the Algorithmic Justice League
I’m confused. Maybe you are too. Maybe we’ve been transported into a Bizarro World where words no longer mean what they once meant.
Earth and Planetary Sciences (EAPS) is MIT’s woke sanctuary city
Come join the fun, feel better about yourself, and strike a pose for a better world. And don’t forget to take your meds.
MIT’s Interfaith Chaplain worried about AI’s that feel pain
Invoking intersectionality confers sacramental power upon congregants of the fast growing and influential Church of the Righteous Woke.
MIT diversity princelings party on
The ever-growing staff at MIT’s Sloan School DEI Office has mastered the Diversity game. “Increasing our team size is an essential part of our success.”
MIT Poetic Justice Group creates art at the scale of injustice
MIT’s Poetic Justice Group offers full employment for academics that can help MIT goose its BIPOC faculty numbers.
MIT students traumatized by words
A ferocious attack of words was unleashed at MIT this week terrifying vulnerable students. Smelling salts and fainting couches were distributed.
A black hole at MIT is sucking down money, talent, and resources
At MIT, Critical Race Theory is so much more than a cozy sinecure for ranting humanities professors.
MIT PhD economist, now Yale professor, solves Social Security bankruptcy threat
Social Security will bankrupt governments. Leave it to an MIT trained economist to solve the problem. Mass suicide of the elderly!
MIT asks censorious foxes to guard the free speech henhouse
You’ll never guess who MIT’s new president Sally Kornbluth tasked with implementing MIT’s Free Speech Statement into actual policies.
Avowed communist, and accessory to murder, schools MIT on systemic racism
Fawningly introduced by President Sally Kornbluth, Angela Davis wasted no time declaring capitalism the root of all evil.
Enshrining settled science via storytelling at the new MIT
Remaking a scientific culture shaped by the Enlightenment doesn’t happen overnight. It takes the faith and fervor of a Great Awokening.
Dossiers of anonymous denunciations help MIT mold students’ characters
You’ll never know what we have on you, and that’s the whole point. Step out of line and it will all come rushing back.
Diverse, equitable, inclusive, community design justice for a sustainable future
What matters most are the narratives we tell ourselves about our accomplishments, thereby developing sufficient self-esteem to overcome imposter syndrome.
MIT writing requirement incorporates anti-racism ideology in every class
“Anti-racism is something we must recommit ourselves to every day, in every class, in every book, talk, meeting, and plan.”
New MIT research indicates science and technology cause income inequality
Models developed by MIT economists prove that every advance in wellbeing generated by science and technology has increased income inequality.
MIT librarians train climate catastrophists to control the Wikipedia narrative
When sanctifying Settled Science, properly managing the public narrative is more important than subjecting the science to rigorous analysis.
Come on, MIT stopped taking Putin’s money. Don’t take away Xi Jinping’s!
Do you have any idea how much money we rake in training Chinese students whose government pays their full tuition in return for them spying on classmates?
MIT promotes Your Queer Career. And so much more.
Employers have to hit certain DEI targets. Those that don’t are not welcome to recruit at MIT. And if you’re queer, we have special programs just for you.
MIT climate action advocates guiltlessly recruit slaveholders to their cause
Any subject from ecology to astronomy to medicine can improve its all-important DEI ranking by adding a dash of indigenization.
MIT FIRE report reveals Woke takeover of STEM not yet complete
In disturbing news indicating more work needs to be done, there appear to be MIT faculty members and students who have not yet been bullied into silence.
MIT launches ad hoc working group to manage ad hoc working groups
How to turn any problem, controversy, or virtue signaling occasion into a growth opportunity for MIT’s burgeoning administrative bureaucracy.
MIT antiracism virtual reality game exorcises your Islamophobia
Move over Super Mario Brothers! This game is sure to be a bestseller, brought to you by nerds who worship at the altar of woke consciousness.
LGBTQIA+ advocates furious at being excluded from climate justice confab
This event applies Indigenous Ancestral Knowledge, virtual reality storytelling, and ecological architectural design to solve the global warming crisis.
MIT All-Gender Restrooms Working Group announces pee & poo inclusivity study
Hundreds of highly paid experts participated in these weighty deliberations, a key building block of MIT’s new Belong, Achievement, and Composition strategic plan.
MIT names VP of Indigenous Affairs, Great Sail to be replaced with Tee Pee
“Honestly, we haven’t the foggiest idea what Indigenous issues are. I hope no one notices that our report didn’t list a single one. But here’s $50,000.”
MIT Gender Identity Initiative remakes campus culture through big data
Our Fall GII Update outlines progress made to date, justifying the millions of dollars MIT spends on its enormous and rapidly growing administrative staff.
Sloanies proudly monetize female neuroses
Rugged individualism, toxic masculinity, and aggressive competition are out. Communitarianism, safetyism, and lifelong nurturing are in.
Another MIT committee fans racial tensions to expand bloated bureaucracy
We are instructed to believe that the world’s leading STEM institution is systemically racist. This necessitates hiring more highly paid administrators able to lead MIT along the path of righteousness.
MIT administration greets faculty vote on Free Speech statement with crickets
“The racist, colonialist, oppressors on MIT’s faculty called for free speech? Their uppity Free Speech Statement will gather dust in a file cabinet.”
MIT Earth, Atmospheric & Planetary Sciences (EAPS) wins the Most Woke department prize
“Climate change and inequality are among the most important issues that humankind faces in the 21st century,” opines this fall’s Global Changes Report.
Lecture series by celebrated MIT alumni on ethics, virtue, and social justice
Sam Brinton and Sam Bankman-Fried will lecture on ethics, virtue, and social justice offered by MIT’s School of Arts, Humanities, and Socialist Scientism.
ChatGPT joins the Babbling Beaver, composing its first Beaver Dropping
Starting next semester, all heterosexual white male students at MIT will be required to do the homework assignments of BIPOC LGBTQ students.
We Three Deans of DEI Are
We three deans of DEI are. Social justice woke commissars. Dorm and classroom, watch us mind groom. Cross us? Say au revoir.
MIT campus police make me feel unsafe!
“Cops are creepy! We need social workers trained to respond to the mental health problems of diverse MIT students suffering from imposter syndrome.”
MIT Sloan School calls for more managers to handle the increased social justice load
Ask your managers what additional resources they need. Then give them anything they want, especially more time to complete their assignments.
MIT scientists & indigenous storytellers team up to restore buffalo consciousness
MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles tasked the world’s leading STEM university to decolonize systemically racist science, incorporating indigenous ways of knowing.
MIT environmental scientists despair over inability to prevent windmill racism
Further taxpayer supported research using ever more complex mathematical models is clearly required to eliminate the horrors of systemic windmill racism.
MIT GOV/LAB wants to improve democracy by increasing trust in government
How can social engineers working in partnership with government build a better world if you don’t believe a word they say? MIT’s GOV/LAB can help.
“Wide Tim” infantilized mascot envelops MIT students in its joyous embrace
Everyone must do their part to eliminate toxic masculinity, making sure that college is a nurturing safe space where you can bring your whole self.
MIT considers name change to reflect its evolving mission
“In order to expunge the shame of our racist and colonialist past, I have asked Chancellor Melissa Nobles to help choose a more fitting moniker for MIT.”
Please help keep MIT’s most celebrated LGBTQ role model out of jail
“Who could resist the hypnotic allure of a Vera Bradley bag? Goodness gracious, I was tired and I made a terrible mistake. Five years in prison?
MIT Technology Review explains Social Credit Systems
Communism has never really been tried because making it work requires technology that is only now becoming available.
Clandestine cabal of student satirists uncovered at MIT. Who are these guys?
An irreverent samizdat webzine appears to have been operating with impunity under the noses of MIT’s normally vigilant thought police.
Shocking leak reveals MIT plans to replace grad students with AI robots
“Robots don’t sleep, don’t eat, don’t file grievances that have to be adjudicated, and never go on strike.
MIT diversity bureaucrats offer training on how to fill out DEI loyalty oaths
Pursuing an academic career under the new woke order requires hewing to an ideological orthodoxy that brooks no dissent.
Have a Happy DEI Thanksgiving
The sacred mission of every modern university is to eliminate from its culture an ever-expanding array of sins delineated by social thought leaders.
MIT Graduate Student Union squares off against the Title IX IDHR gestapo
Discrimination, bullying, harassment, injustice, racism, homophobia … lions and tigers and bears oh my! Who shall control the grievance process?
Turning students into proselytizing zombies now an essential part of MIT pedagogy
When it comes to recycling rubbish we implore them to find ways to repurpose MIT’s thundering herd of deans, assistant deans, and overpaid administrators.
MIT alum 30-under-30 “effective altruist” Sam Bankman-Fried captures the zeitgeist
What could be more entertaining than watching the rise and fall of an MIT whiz-kid who mastered the art of storytelling to build a better world?
Seven steps to entrenching a permanent DEI bureaucracy in your organization
A DEI bureaucracy of highly paid experts and consultants will overcome resistance to fighting systemic racism, misogyny, classism, and xenophobia.
MIT Undergraduate Association President throws hissy fit over free speech
“Never in my Latinx, immigrant, genderqueer, gay, disabled, low-income life would I imagine having to defend myself against such an invalidating question.”
Free money for preferred identities is the only way to reach equity utopia
In a harrowing tale of oppression, an MIT graduate student and union activist explains that the only way to end systemic racism in academia is to write him a check.
Why must MIT’s president always be a heteronormative man or woman?
“Failure to hire a eunuch is a slap in the face of all those committed to gender justice,” screamed the assistant dean of heteronormative decolonization.
MIT School of Humanities, Arts, & Socialist Scientism defenestrates the Beaver
Now that we are cut off from their Twitter spew please do your part to draw the Beaver’s attention to new eruptions of woke madness by emailing us tips.
MIT social impact internships teach MIT students to think like subsistence farmers
Building a better world requires understanding why Western Civilization was built upon a foundation of intractable evil.
Laid off Twitter content moderators flock to MIT’s IDHR office
“MIT is proud to offer a safe space for these Musky refugees,” remarked MIT’s former president L. Rafael Reif as he danced his way out the door. “My work is done here.”
Menstruation Scientists claim that 20% of MIT women are impaired at work
Who knew that women were different than men, or could be impaired when having their periods? Especially since mentioning this could lead to cancellation.
In order to save Democracy from misinformation, we need more mob rule
Scientific models show that the best way to distinguish truth from falsehood is by inviting motivated partisans to vote on it.
MIT’s Babbling Beaver Welcomes Cornell’s Babbling Bear to the Fight
We at the Babbling Beaver, along with the Flickering Beacon at UMass Boston, welcome our comrades-in-barbs from Cornell’s Babbling Bear.
Nature’s special issue on toxic racism catalogs violence and abuse in academia
Guest edited by social scientist and MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles, whose claim to fame is insisting that her employer is systemically racist.
Research by MIT social scientist says mask wearing makes you more moral
Masks are a moral symbol that reduces wearers’ deviant behavior. Imagine the impact on society of mandatory lifetime mask policies.
Identifying as female doubles your chances of getting into MIT
If you an aspiring high school nerd who dreams of attending MIT, consider adjusting your gender identity if you want to boost your odds of getting in.
Heckler’s veto mob invades MIT, advancing climate justice and environmental virtue
Science deniers must be punished. Maintaining the EAPS tradition of bowing to woke mobs sets a fine example for the rest of the university.
Nobel committee distinguishes itself by awarding Economics Prize to MIT alum
Be like Ben. Even better than using other-people’s-money to Build a Better World is creating it out of thin air.
Where does MIT fit in a great reset world where the U.N. “owns the science?”
Global elites planning our future have partnered with the major tech companies to control the narrative because “We own the science.”
MIT makes a trans-trans breakthrough delivering intersectional solidarity to all
The breakthrough mastectophalloplasty procedure will remove then immediately replace all gender-unique body parts, entitling patients to full DEI benefits.
MIT to sell School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism (SHASS) to Harvard
Once the acquisition closes, students will be able to fulfill their dreaded humanities requirements taking courses up-river at the Kremlin on the Charles.
MIT Office of Sustainability says, “Let them eat weeds and bugs!”
Who wouldn’t delight in a peanut butter, banana, and cricket smoothie that delivers yummy virtue with every sip? Help us “mobilize the community.”
MIT offers Male-to-Eunuch gender dysphorics access to affirming surgery
The MIT Office of Trans Celebration relies on a deep reservoir of scientific expertise and...
Equity advocates demand that college professorships be granted by lottery
The only equitable way to break the stranglehold America’s top universities have on supplying faculty is to distribute assistant professorships by lottery.
MIT’s virtue-signaling leaders respond to Iranian repression with … crickets
Intersectional solidarity teaches that virtuous allies can do no wrong. Ayatollahs and mullahs cannot be criticized because … Just say no to Islamophobia.
“This is not cancel culture; it is evolution and progress”
Only thoughts and speech that “empowers the next generation of scientists to create a more just and equitable scientific community” should be permitted on campus.
The MIT Free Speech Alliance stays pure
The MIT Free Speech Alliance avoids criticizing woke DEI programs, loony-left SHASS faculty, and race-grifting senior administrators. The Beaver says Bah!
Babbling Beaver writers complain that real MIT news is crowding out parody
Little Caesar moaned. “My last parody got spiked because it came true the day before my piece was scheduled to run!”
MIT gathers its faithful alumni to hear the administration line. Now go collect money.
Chancellor Melissa Nobles served up a word salad with happy dressing sans her usual condemnation of MIT and Western Science for being systemically racist.
Millions for Diversicrats, pay cuts for workers
Trouble is brewing as restive MIT facilities workers demand a living wage while a ballooning army of DEI deans feast on a cornucopia of dollars.
Negotiations with MIT grad student union begin: Pinkertons on standby
MIT’s Chancellor & Provost indicated that negotiations could take years. “If you uppity PI plantation lab slaves don’t like it be glad we don’t yank your student visas.”
MIT Quality of Life grant program seeks DEI expansion into the School of Science
Bureaucrats at MIT’s School of Science are offering cash rewards for ideas that can help accelerate MIT’s cultural transformation to become more like Oberlin.
Food fight breaks out in Slobdell dining hall as trans and gay activists feud
“You’ll be sorry, you science denier, when I report you to the Institute Discrimination & Harassment Response Office (IDHR).”
Technology Review unleashes cub reporter to debunk gender affirmation heresy
Gender is a social construct and only dangerous reactionaries believe it has anything to do with biological sex.
MIT rebrands its diversity programs, doubling down on identity ideology
We can’t wait to see every member of our community reduced to an n-dimensional vector in intersectionality space, assuring just and equitable outcomes.
MIT to build a moat around campus to protect out of touch administrators
Making it as difficult as possible for friends, family, guests, alumni, and colleagues to get onto campus certainly helps promote mindless safetyism and an ironclad commitment to administrative bloat.
MIT replaces Covid testing with mandatory DNA testing
DNA verification of the declared identity of all applicants, students, faculty, and staff will more effectively support MIT’s science-based DEI programs.
MIT woke pentathlon champion nominated for elevation to sainthood
A founding member of MIT Divest, harassing MIT until it liquidates fossil fuel investments, Darya is learning how to work the levers of Democracy.
Lame duck MIT president L. Rafael Reif welcomes the Class of 2026
Congratulations, you are the Elect! We will empower you to grow into your mission as Social Justice Warriors determined to Build a Better World.
MIT’s diverse Title IX office fights identity-based harm and harassment
MIT’s Discrimination & Harassment Response Office wants you to know that a growing social justice strike force stands poised to smite identity malefactors.
Senator Elizabeth Warren visits MIT to help stamp out capitalist exploitation
“MIT’s founding presidents perpetrated grave injustices against my indigenous ancestors,” huffed Senator Warren, shaking her fists with poll-tested passion.
MIT Design Justice Program develops gender fluid, racially diverse sexbots
Every sexbot comes with optional piercings as well as interchangeable, monkeypox-resistant private parts enabling quick and easy anatomical reassignment.
MIT to offer Bachelor of Equity degree
In 2024 MIT will begin offering a Bachelor of Equity (BE) degree as an alternative to the systemically oppressive Bachelor of Science (BS) diploma.
MIT social scientists: Thinking for yourself could erode trust in experts
Social scientists at MIT sound the alarm that allowing transparent public access to scientific data could lead to people thinking for themselves.
Curriculum changes made to correct MIT’s legacy of oppression
The new course will discuss the fallibility of objective reality and introduce the concept of Lived Experience as the primary guide to the physical world.
MIT announces new department of racial sciences
The key to the long sought Unified Field Theory has been found to be the addition of a fifth force more potent than them all. Black power.
Only a vast expansion of administrative staff can help MIT’s chancellor fight racism
Henceforth, every MIT professor will be assigned a full-time DEI commissar tasked with monitoring all lectures and research programs.
Come join the Wokey Louse Club!
Who’s the leader of the mob that’s come for you and me? MIT..DEI..LOUSE. Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! there. You’re as cancelled as can be. MIT..DEI..LOUSE.
MIT navel gazing circles convened to face the climate crisis in solidarity
Do you feel daunted, drained, and lonely from the climate crisis? Have no fear, MIT’s Council for the Uncertain Human Future is here!
Testosterone-free Diversity
Nothing says diversity like an all-female team ensuring ethics, equity, and justice in engineering design, education, and human-robot interaction.
American Geophysical Union (AGU) defies the DEI mafia
MIT’s chancellor Melissa Nobles immediately denounced the apostates, calling for an investigation and deplatforming of the entire AGU program committee.
Nobody expects the Woke Inquisition!
Emerging from critical theory fever swamps, a child of intersectional “studies, a new religious strike force spreads terror throughout the land.
Design justice pedagogy takes MIT by storm
Become a chosen person and perform design justice pedagogy audits that will strike terror into the hearts of professors that have not yet bent the knee.
College Presidents Anonymous to hire outgoing MIT President L. Rafael Reif
Hi, my name is Raffi. It’s been three months since my last act of woke appeasement. Serving as MIT’s president for ten years destroyed my reputation.
Look, Ma, I’m a DEI expert! I have a certificate and everything
They laughed when I told them I was majoring in gender studies with a minor in indigenous justice. “Where are you going to get a job studying that crap?”
Divide & Rule: MIT Employee Resource Groups (ERG) celebrate segregation
Separating people by skin color, sexual preference, national origin, and gender is the best way to contribute to a sense of one community.
The Babbling Beaver Needs You!
The Beaver calls for more reader-submitted samizdat from fellow alums, faculty, and students, including raw story suggestions based on real campus outrages.
Anorexia-affirming care is the next frontier in aberrant psycho-liberation
President Reif has declared August “Puke Pride Month” ordering the installation of vomitoria to accommodate our regurgitant brothers and sisters.
Should MIT be shamed into scrapping its racist swim test?
Science has proven that college swim tests are racist because just as it is a socially accepted stereotype that white men can’t jump, blacks can’t swim.
Radical feminist coven at MIT challenges normative conceptions of space & time
Embracing scholarship that destroys all semblance of reason and refusing to laugh in the face of patent absurdity signals a culture that has slid into the twilight zone.
Harvard-MIT Health Sciences & Technology program pursues trans head-swap surgery
Rather than chopping off offending body parts, pumping patients full of hormones, and grafting on fake genitals, just find a matched pair of gender dysphorics eager to swap heads.
Queer theory meets bible study as Sodom and Gomorrah comes to MIT
Pushing the envelope of queerness in new directions is what MIT’s Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women & Sexuality is all about.
Move over DEI: Excellence, Belonging, and Community (EBC) is the new virtue trifecta
Stay heartsick and enraged over longstanding inequality and exploitation by systemically racist, sexist, and transphobic MIT colleagues because that’s how you enhance community.
Say hello to Physics Justice
Woke Man’s Burden requires ensuring that every field of human endeavor gets problematized, politicized, decolonized, and transgenderized.
Environmental justice requires linguistic pretzel making
Let us leverage indigenous knowledge to develop tasty bug stew recipes that can be simmered over a dung fire to advance environmental justice.
Blowback is unfair to cancel-culture mob leaders with sensitive feelings
President L. Rafael Reif has called for a new ad hoc working group to recommend policies to protect righteous Twitter mob participants from having their feelings hurt.
Meritocracy vs. Mediocrity. Should MIT be made to look like the rest of America?
Meritocratic elites don’t look like the rest of America. And nothing is more important than forcing every institution to look like the rest of America.
MIT develops AI to calculate fair & equitable reparations payments
How large should annual reparations checks be, who should receive them, and who should pay for the sins of wicked dead people? MIT’s AI figures it out.
New and improved DEI 2.0 program with values and principles!
Is your DEI program getting stale.? Does it lack clear objectives beyond providing a talisman to mollify radical employees and ward off woke Twitter mobs?
Science must overcome its racist legacy: MIT’s Chancellor speaks
Scientists must repent their racist ways, science publishing must shed its structural racism, and restorative justice must prevail.
MIT Gender Identity Initiative accused of making trans-exclusionary mistakes
The celebrated MIT Gender Identity Initiative (GII) has run afoul of trans activists who feel that six genders plus make-up-your-own is not enough.
MIT social engineers call for indigenous and antiracist technology
The world needs empowered social entrepreneurs seeking social justice through social engineering and social science, since socialism has never been tried.
MIT Diversity Dashboard reveals vast underrepresentation of despised majority
The DEI industrial complex at MIT keeps a keen eye on race and ethnicity statistics. From which identity group’s hide must social justice come?
Woke science serves social fashion
Hey, watch MIT kind of, sort of, grow timber in a test tube! But it’s not quite practical yet. Just enough that our press release can fool journalists.
MIT scientists discover infinite source of sustainable career energy
MIT scientists demonstrated that there is one substance that can be burned forever, yet will never run out. Research funding for climate hysteria.
Hip-Hop star Lupe Fiasco appointed MLK visiting professor at MIT
They call me Lupe Fiasco, Wasalu Muhammad Jaco I was born. My daddy be Black Panther, make you whiteys so forlorn.
MIT graduates celebrate brief interlude of freedom to speak their minds
We’ve all become quite skilled at mouthing the right slogans and checking the right boxes while keeping our real thoughts to ourselves.
MIT community stands together against some kinds of hate
All hate is not created equal. We don’t acknowledge cultural pathologies that reflect badly on preferred identities, or dysfunction in progressive cities.
Advancing DEI identity quotas at STEM universities demands redefining excellence
Excellence must be redefined to be made inclusive. Objective standards and a rigorous core curriculum must give way to other ways of knowing and being.
Speech-cop AI wins second place in MIT $100K entrepreneurship competition
Trigger Warning! We have detected threatening levels of microaggression, discrimination, and condescension in your writing.
MIT Deans compete in the DEI Derby
Watch MIT’s DEI deans compete with career hopes of one day becoming a university president despite their total lack of accomplishments or qualifications.
UMass launches The Flickering Beacon following the Babbling Beaver’s trail
Has your university become an embarrassment to rational humanity? Don’t just sit there, follow the Babbling Beaver and start a satire webzine of your own!
MIT throws full support behind Ukraine, will send entire DEI staff to Russia
MIT’s DEI staff will make the Russian invaders more divided, more fragile, preoccupied with perceived slights, suspicious of each other, and highly distracted from their main mission.
MIT Sloan School goes full SJW – Workplace joy requires woke CEOs
CEOs must become the empathizing servants of their psychologically sensitive employees. Nothing squelches employee joy more than bosses who don’t speak out against social injustice.
Space. The identity frontier. Woke slogans go where none have gone before.
An Indigenous People’s approach to the Earth must be extended to the Moon, which has a spirit that must be respected. How can this make space sustainable?
Pre-pubescent transgenderism portends the return of castrati to opera
The burgeoning adolescent gender-affirmation surgery movement will inevitably help rejuvenate the declining world of opera.
Cancel culture queens now offering $1,000 bribes to DEI bullies
MIT EAPS is now offering cash prizes to minions who “have shown dedication towards service that ensures justice, equity, diversity and inclusion.”
Harvard one-ups MIT in the Oppressor Olympics. “We owned more slaves!”
Harvard president Larry Bacow launched a $100M program determined to prove that Harvard is more evil than MIT. “The primary role of higher education is to prove that Western Civilization is morally bankrupt.”
Elon Musk makes bid to buy MIT and save free speech on campus
“If we don’t save STEM from the woke mind virus we will run out of engineers to help me colonize Mars, decarbonize transportation, and perfect solar power.”
Diversity is now a Science. With labs and everything!
SCIENCE must root out heteronormative white male oppression, colonialist appropriation, and the injustices, inequities, and indignities perpetrated thereby.
MIT Undergraduates Seek to Form Union
DEI-admits to MIT need a union to protect them from the grievous oppression of rigorous academic standards and insufficient access to pleasure educators.
MIT Technology Review jumps on the separate-but-equal bandwagon
The only way women can escape the toxic “manosphere” is to have their own Feminist Internet.
MIT agrees to cede Cambridge campus back to the Wampanoag Nation
The only way MIT can cleanse itself of its racist and colonialist past is to return the land upon which the university was built to its rightful indigenous owners.
MIT graduate seminar advances a new kind of science poised to take over STEM
Western science has been a powerful tool of domination, oppression and erasure. Feminist, queer, and indigenous methodologies are robust, ethical, and culturally informed.
MIT’s 21st Century Democracy Program declares midterm elections a fraud
MIT’s 21st Century Democracy Program is bringing settled science to the understanding of politics.
MIT Earth & Planetary Sciences to rename racist mountains, rivers and valleys
Thousands of mountains, valleys and rivers located on public lands have racist and problematic names that perpetuate a history of colonial oppression.
MIT’s holy trinity bless all nerds with admonitions of kindergarten kindness
Nothing signals virtue more strongly than publishing anodyne values statements asserting one’s goodness.
MIT Medical declares systematic oppression a public health crisis
MIT’s Student Mental Health & Counseling Services wants everyone to know that they “stand with our students, staff, and faculty of color in denouncing racial oppression and brutality and the system of white supremacy that perpetuates it.”
The Babbling Beaver opens nominations for the MIT Smarmy Toady Award
Currying favor with the DEI Deanocracy while seeking safety from woke Twitter mobs has become the new way of life at MIT.
Identity-based dorms thrive at MIT “Separation is not segregation!”
The goal is to ensure that every preferred identity group have its own designated safe space for living and socializing.
MIT announces new diversity-centric science and engineering curriculum
To help struggling DEI admits, MIT unveiled a series of diversity-centric engineering & science courses.
MIT accuses the Babbling Beaver of being funded by the Koch Brothers
The Beaver denies all such allegations, but wishes they were true. Meanwhile, the mockery marches on!
Ghost of William Barton Rogers haunts SHASS hallways searching for his society
MIT cancels its founder as it bends the knee to cancel culture and revisionist history. So long, William, we hardly knew ya.
Bowing to Babbling Beaver mockery MIT reinstates Math SAT requirement
MIT surrendered the dream of making STEM more diverse, equitable, and inclusive and will no longer admit students with poor math skills.
Entire membership of MIT fraternity Kappa Mu Alpha goes gender fluid
MIT’s Institute Community and Equity Officer (ICEO) applauded the move, wondering whether this might help MIT move up to NCAA Division II.
MIT School of Humanities to replace grades with participation trophies
Starting with the 2022-2023 academic year, all MIT students taking humanities courses will receive participation trophies instead of letter grades.
Men and womxn who identify as Napoleon deserve equal rights now!
We must protect the civil rights of the latest oppressed minority seeking affirmation and social justice – people who identify as Napoleon.
MIT opens nominations for eleven “Individuals Supporting Equity” awards
First place goes to whomever can define “Equity” and measure MIT’s progress against it.
MIT School of Humanities and Social Justice goes all-in on partisan politics
Everything is about Race. No, everything is about Gender. No, wait, everything is about Sexuality. Identity. Climate Justice. Hegemonic Patriarchy. White Supremacy.
Beanies return as solidarity symbols as masks disappear from campus
Nothing warms a Woke college administrator’s heart more than watching herds of students meekly comply with their mandates.
MIT’s growing HR empire announces Apparatchik of the Year award
We have a dream that one day every member of the MIT community will be judged not by the obsolete concept of individual merit but by their intersectional identity.
Calling all clever MIT faculty, students, and alumni – help save the ‘Tute!
Attention transgressive nerds: The Babbling Beaver needs your defiant erudition and rapier wit to help defend the world’s top STEM university from a total Woke takeover.
MIT Presidential Search Committee announces no cis white males need apply
Eliminating heterosexual white male candidates will level the STEM playing field, advancing the goal of stamping out MIT’s implicit White Supremacy Culture.
MIT accepts multimillion dollar grant to establish center to dismantle capitalism
“Had I known that the same thing would happen to my foundation that happened to Henry Ford’s,” remarked HP co-founder William Hewlett as he turned over in his grave, “I would have left my fortune to feed homeless cats.”
MIT announces Persona Non Grata donor rejection program
MIT’s new Gift Acceptance Committee is tasked with ensuring donations only come from ideologically vetted woke sources guaranteed not to trigger Twitter mob embarrassment.
MIT’s collaboration with Russia’s Scientific Potemkin Village goes kablooey
I hope no one expects us to refund the millions of dollars funneled our way just because a distinguished member of the MIT Corporation turned out to be a sanctioned oligarch whose boss launched an invasion.
Edsel Professor of Misgendered Studies explains MIT’s evolving speech code
MIT’s leading feminist professor explains why critics of wokeness should shut up and abandon an epistemology that privileges reason.
This year’s Brass Rat Ring Melt dedicated to the expiation of alumni sins
Now that Father Moloney is gone and forgotten we are ready to install this sacred idol in the MIT Chapel as a reminder of the structural wickedness of those who graduated in the dark days before DEI Enlightenment.
MIT permanently drops requiring math SAT scores for admission
MIT’s failed experiment in dropping the SAT during the Covid crisis. It turns out, engineering is not for everyone.
Half of MIT students are below average
She/her/hers came to MIT to study physics but quickly took refuge in the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences in search of a major that does not inflict the systematic oppression of objective standards.
MIT dives into erotic vomiting to reorganize hegemonic gender formations
MIT Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender Culture Women and Sexuality promotes bizarre and perverse sex acts to fight the cisheteronormative patriarchy.
MIT physicists discover the world’s first femtoaggression
A team of expert consultants flown in from Oberlin are confident that most MIT undergraduates can acquire sensitivity to femtoaggressions.
MIT President cancels himself
Good riddance to MIT’s worst president in history, grand appeaser to the woke takeover of what once was the worlds’ greatest STEM university.
Burgeoning Panism movement hacks DEI divisiveness
No one can divide us into oppressed and oppressor classes if we practice solidarity and all claim to identify with everybody.
MIT President appoints new Dean of Safe Spaces and Cry Rooms
Despite repeatedly lowering academic standards to reduce student stress and enable deeper inclusiveness of the less capable, social scientists ensconced in the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences determined that today’s heartsick, anguished, and enraged students have the lowest level of resilience to unwelcome ideas since Galileo was brought up on charges.
President Reif Issues Statement on Hostage Taking at Texas Synagogue
Aafia Siddiqui brought a unique intersectional perspective to MIT, enriching our understanding of the irredeemable crimes committed by Western Civilization.
Preferred-pronoun violator sentenced to ducking stool attitude correction
Microaggression vigilantes at MIT enforce woke culture through anonymous denunciations and social punishment.
MIT Graduate Student Union instructed to go pound sand
MIT’s Chancellor and Provost have embarked on an anti-union campaign designed to keep uppity graduate students in their place.
Dean of Inquisition publishes updated Index of Forbidden Words
MIT Associate Dean of Inquisition today announced the publication of volume 12 of the Index of Forbidden Words.
December MIT Corporation meeting unnerved by renegade proposal
Insisting on basic competence in math or science, much less excellence for which this institution was formerly known, is an act of oppression inconsistent with a Diverse, Equitable, and Inclusive MIT.
Dorian Abbot summoned to attend MIT struggle session
Hysterical woke twitter mobs demand the cancellation of physicist Dorian Abbot for questioning DEI. MIT complies.
MIT President pledges to wear hairshirt until campus equity achieved
Blindly appeasing cancel culture twitter mobs is the key legacy of MIT past president L. Rafael Reif.

MIT Experts demand global dictatorship to fight climate, pandemic, inequality crises
BELONGING is the mantra, and obedience is they key. MIT Experts prescribe solidarity and sacrifice for planetary wellbeing.
Empowered MIT administrators celebrate their total hegemony
MIT’s administrative staff now outnumbers faculty by more than three to one, with total staff outnumbering faculty by over ten to one.
MIT social scientist touts the benefits of Imposter Syndrome
MIT’s President Sally Kornbluth has declared November to be Imposter Month. “Belonging is for everyone,” she proclaimed, “even those who haven’t a clue.”
Inside MIT’s Woke Grooming Programs
Surprise your parents by coming home from college for Thanksgiving break as a whole new you.
The BIPOC-FEM-LGBTQing of Philosophy
The heteropatriarchy must be cleansed of the influence of dead white males whose philosophies created Western Civilization, the most oppressive culture in human history.
New MIT mascot “Woke TIM” debuts
Behold: The new Woke TIM (xe/xem), available for download here so you can paste it onto your retorts, jibes, mockeries, and impotent expressions of outrage over what has befallen our beloved alma mater.
MIT observes 9/11 with … DEI Wellness Day
“What can we do to justify the existence of our growing staff of overpaid non-productive bureaucrats?” I know, let’s offer them a spa day!
ChatGPT fills in for the Babbling Beaver
The Babbling Beaver decided to give our future AI overlord a spin and asked it to compose today’s Beaver Dropping.
Fully Feminizing STEM and MIT
Disparate outcomes can only be due to systemic bias and discrimination. Demasculinization must continue until proportional representation is achieved.
ACTA takes aim at university bias reporting systems
Bias reporting system anonymous denunciations create a safe and inclusive environment in which the values of Belonging can be inculcated.