In a recent podcast embattled MIT president Sally Kornbluth tried to put the best spin on the progressive destruction of the world’s greatest STEM institution.

Private firms and infrastructure providers cannot be relied on to curb the spread of disinformation and extremism.

Being eaten by grizzly bears or killed by rattlesnakes can play an important role in restoring the proper balance of nature.

MIT’s rapidly growing administration stays ever on the lookout for problems that enable bureaucratic solutions.

The October Seventh atrocities triggered a tectonic shift in the Overton Window.

MIT climate scientist Dr. Milan Klöwer has sparked a movement to solve one of the most vexing climate crisis problems.

“As campus disruptions continue, we are increasingly asking ourselves – Where did we go wrong?”

With apologies to King James.

Poor MIT. It only ranks twelfth among its peers raking in the dough from Arab despots. Running a world-class university in the Age of Woke requires a massive administrative bureaucracy, and that doesn’t come cheap.

Every word in this article comes from MIT News because even the Beaver can’t make up stories this outlandish and patronizing.

Faculty profiles shines the searing spotlight of sardonic satire on MIT professors who most clearly exemplify the devastation wrought by the Woke Mind Virus.

Silence is violence, so students who refuse to participate will be reported to MIT’s Bias Response Team microaggression investigators.

“You’d better behave yourselves or I might someday possibly think about maybe sort of suspending you!”

MIT’s DEI officers have been called together to brainstorm how they can deny blame, deflect criticism, and protect their sinecures.

Wresting control of STEM away from the white supremacist cisheteropatriarchy requires identity and ideology screens for peer reviewed science publications.

MIT refuses to recognize the MIT Alumni Free Speech Alliance (MFSA) because it is too controversial.

Every day more of our fellow citizens are waking up to the consequences that DEI programs like ours are having on an entire generation of young minds, and bodies.

A decolonial and interactive online education platform where youth can learn how to coexist with large carnivores.

Fifty years ago this month MIT became the first university in America to have its Affirmative Action Plan approved by the federal government.

We are all on this together, whether you want to live in peace or behead babies to advance the cause of decolonization.

No experience required! No knowledge necessary! No discernible skills involved! Act now before the world comes to an end.

Social Science proves that men are to blame for the failure of women to become inventors that file patents.

Join the growing legions of MIT activists fighting against stereotypical masculine values like objectivity and logic.

This year’s MIT Diversity Fellowship Awards don’t include a single fellow and are about as diverse as a Marxist sorority.

“Ideas have consequences? Who knew?

No one wants to know whether these programs actually advance their stated goals.

The dramatic decolonization demonstration launched this past weekend truly puts Indigenous Peoples Day in perspective.

First responders arrived on the scene to find a half dozen totally lifelike frozen figures spread out on the lawn behind the MIT Media Lab.

For the planet to live, Capitalism must end.

Have you ever been treated differently because of your sex? Has it ever been stated or implied that you were hired by MIT because of your sex or gender identity?

The Burbling Bieber returns to delight his fans with another effort to become the Tom Lehrer of MIT.

A cornucopia of cash awaits students, faculty, and staff ready to promote approved ideologies, identities, and indoctrination programs.

Alas, the business was not able to sustain itself by actually selling food after the grant and prize money ran out.

BELONGING is the mantra, and obedience is they key. MIT Experts prescribe solidarity and sacrifice for planetary wellbeing.

MIT’s administrative staff now outnumbers faculty by more than three to one, with total staff outnumbering faculty by over ten to one.

MIT’s President Sally Kornbluth has declared November to be Imposter Month. “Belonging is for everyone,” she proclaimed, “even those who haven’t a clue.”

Surprise your parents by coming home from college for Thanksgiving break as a whole new you.

The heteropatriarchy must be cleansed of the influence of dead white males whose philosophies created Western Civilization, the most oppressive culture in human history.

Behold: The new Woke TIM (xe/xem), available for download here so you can paste it onto your retorts, jibes, mockeries, and impotent expressions of outrage over what has befallen our beloved alma mater.

“What can we do to justify the existence of our growing staff of overpaid non-productive bureaucrats?” I know, let’s offer them a spa day!

The Babbling Beaver decided to give our future AI overlord a spin and asked it to compose today’s Beaver Dropping.

Disparate outcomes can only be due to systemic bias and discrimination. Demasculinization must continue until proportional representation is achieved.

Bias reporting system anonymous denunciations create a safe and inclusive environment in which the values of Belonging can be inculcated.

Staying prepared to butt into other people’s conversations and social interactions helps condition everyone to carefully monitor their behavior.

Our large and growing staff of DEI professionals will teach you what you can and cannot say, which is the first step toward understanding what you can and cannot think.

If you aspire to do social engineering on a global scale, garnering a lifetime of grants and subsidies from western governments, then MIT has a new major for you.

Why should the leading STEM university in the world be left out of the prestige garnering process of hiring disgraced leftists?

The new way to evaluate medical research journal articles is the Diversity Factor, a social justice metric based on authors’ gender, race, ethnicity, national origin, and socioeconomic background.

In keeping with the maxim that Mockery is the Best Policy, the Babbling Beaver is pleased to announce the Golden Beaver Award.

Without doublethink and newspeak the greatest STEM university in the world couldn’t play its rightful part in the New World Order.

Our diverse community reflects an expanding spectrum of identities, neurological divergences, and emergent psychopathologies.

Learn the best ways to remove content that threatens social order. Discover techniques to monitor websites and penalize offenders.

In its quest to keep affirmative action alive, MIT has promoted Stu Shill to a new position as the Dean of BIPOC Verification.

Give a listen and a laugh to the Burbling Beiber’s SHASS-ist Phony as you sing along with the procacious hate speech lyrics.

MIT’s president Sally Kornbluth launches a bold move to defy the Supreme Court’s ruling ending affirmative action.

Experts are redesigning your urban spaces, your life, your work, your diet, and your values, remaking you into the New NetZero Man.

In the wake of the SCOTUS ruling it’s time for MIT to double down on its rebranded DEI programs by a shift to an emphasis on Belonging.

Enjoy fossil fuels without sacrificing your ability to lecture others on their evils with carbon indulgences’ sustainable virtue.

The Babbling Beaver is pleased to announce the “Woke TIM” photoshop contest, your chance to show off your pirate chops as a techno-wizard of visual mockery.

The latest monster stalking the land is Artificial Intelligence. MIT Sloan School is calling for a Global AI Observatory (GAIO) modeled on the IPCC.

Do your restrooms give each and every person a “sense of belonging” while alleviating concerns regarding privacy, odor, and embarrassment?

The IE team is but one ministry in MIT’s Division of Student Life, an army of proselytizing administrators reporting to Wokengruppenführer Melissa Nobles.

With some prompt engineering you can work your way up the hierarchy of oppression to the peak of DEI desirability as a black handicapped lesbian transwoman.

Confidence in experts will be restored through “governance archeology” and “democratic trusteeship” with the means of production regulated by a Ministry of the Future.

Dismantling the cisheteropatriarchy and decolonizing science is absolutely required to regain the public’s trust after the Covid pandemic fiasco.

“How might urban planners incorporate reparative justice practices to heal the harms generated by white supremacy in our cities and across our patterns of life?”

The racial gaming of admissions is a longstanding underground practice that needs to be brought into the light, valorized, and imbued with scientific rigor.

WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for alumni, faculty, students, and friends of the world’s greatest STEM university to dissolve the ideological derangements that hold its community in thrall …

The Supreme Court may have killed affirmative action, but DEI is forever. Only cisheteropatriachal science deniers believe gender is binary.

MIT has hired Dylan Mulvaney to teach the freshly minted female identifying swimmers how to act like women whenever NCAA investigators come sniffing around.

“Today’s students are so much less resilient, more fragile, and lacking in critical cultural capital compared to prior generations.”

Do you have the Photoshop skills to aid our sacred mission of tormenting the woke minions who have taken over the world’s leading STEM university?

In the SHASS lamasery of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion, celebrations of merit cannot stand. Last month feminist hackers defaced the wall of honor.

Totally unbiased social-scientific answers for the most complex global technology policy questions can now be delivered at the push of a button.

Two plus two, is it true that the answer’s something new? Can anybody still do math? Is it five, is it three? It all depends on equity. We must erase this racist math.

Standardized testing must be de-emphasized. “Lived Experience” and “Indigenous Ways of Knowing” are the new scientific method.

Come to the 2023 MIT Chemistry Future Faculty Symposium and learn how to leverage your demonstrated contributions to enhancing DEI into a tenure track job.

Covering up the continuation of racialist policies that MIT never followed will be hard. But Belonging, Achievement, and Composition leaves no other choice.

This year’s top SOLVE Challenge honors go to Ophelia Chapeaus, the first headwear company dedicated to saving the planet.

“Retrieving pagan wisdom is a critical component of making peace with nature’s spirit world,” explained Professor of Baal Studies at MIT.

Give a listen and a chortle to his debut hit single “When I Was a Lass” (with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan).

Gaze upon the face of the diverse, equitable, and inclusive future of STEM education and wonder, what will virtuous MIT culture come up with next?

Social engineers at SOLVE are determined to get women to make life choices that are best for society, making every endeavor perfectly gender balanced.

Cotton candy, pink rabbits, balloons, and rubber duckies. Affirmation, validation, medication, and valorization. All of this and more awaits at MIT.

Volunteers are fanning out across the campus underground tunnel network in which these Proud Boy, QAnon, MAGA, white supremacists must be hiding.

Help wield the power that comes with combining secret police, judge, jury, and executioner into one.

The union insists that graduate students be referred to by their desired pronouns, as well as guaranteeing them access to gender-affirming restrooms.

Why pay $300,000 a year when you can get de rigueur guidance and a steady stream of noble sounding word salads for nothing?

Witnessing Comics for Social Justice will “explore issues of social justice such as racial and gender equity, climate change, and economic inequality.”

How’s that for using research dollars at the world’s leading STEM university to build a better world? Don’t miss the supplemental video.

In her inaugural address MIT’s new president Sally Kornbluth indicated that “at least 20% of MIT’s faculty work on questions related to climate change.”

The lure of a tender young kiss is too much for some men to resist. So Epstein and his pals used some hot little gals to lure scads of them into a tryst.

The breathtaking scope of social activism made possible by SOLVE is transforming the culture at the world’s leading STEM university.

Don’t let the friendly smiles fool you. Beneath them lurks the exalted power of social justice therapy dispensed with divine advocacy.

In a three-act tragicomedy challenging the Beaver’s ability to cast reality in a satirical light, MIT undergraduates cancelled their UA president.

A leaked report from MIT’s “Belonging, Achievement, and Composition” planning process portends years of full employment for hundreds of DEI professionals.

This Saturday MIT will inaugurate its newest president, marking the first time the world’s leading STEM university has been entirely led by women.

“Our irrefutable computer models prove that by the year 2100 98% of all published science articles will be about climate change.”

Our fondest hope is that Chancellor Melissa Nobles also finds herself a nice liberal arts college at which she can step up to the presidency.

A bizarre attempt by opponents of MIT’s Free Expression Statement to demonstrate harm caused by free speech was greeted with confused laughter and derision.

Civil rights legislation turned into a step ladder for white women, the disabled, LGBTQIA to shoehorn their way into Negro corrective actions.

Watch re-enactments of the ancient Greek women-only pig sacrifice festival of Thesmophoria complete with ejaculating synthetic female seminal fluid.

Are you of the body? The body is one. Blessed be the body. Community and Belonging are the foundational values of higher education.

“The souls of America’s future scientists and engineers are raw clay in your hands. Students must be taught to embrace their designated identities.”

Sally is an inspiration to the legions of neurotic women and transgender felons spawned by MIT’s burgeoning Gender Studies departments.

“Carbon is bad. Make it go away or you’re all going to die!” warned Ms. Harris, reading from cue cards in between nervous cackles.

Wokesplaining workplace behavior designed to dismantle the white cisheteropatriarchy has apparently become the primary mission of MIT’s Sloan School.

Need an Adderall fix? Run out of lube and condoms to get safely buggered? Having a breakdown after being misgendered? WE CAN FIX THAT!

Disparate impact analysis contends that if the racial composition of any field doesn’t match that of the general population, the cause must be systemic racism.

Sharpen your tongues, thicken your hides and join the fun you crybully, lickspittle, nancy boy, snowflake, imposter syndrome, DEI-admit neurotics.

And why should they? With the mandate of heaven behind them they are answerable to no one, their bully pulpits secure.

What is knowledge? What is data? What is reality? The answer is – whatever we say it is! Because everything is a social construct.

“Capitalism, colonialism, racism, patriarchy, and heteronormative culture create interlocking systems of oppression.” Behold STEM education at MIT.

MIT anthropologist invokes the primal consciousness of Matsutake mushrooms as channeled through Potawatomi indigenous ways of knowing.

Language models will be imprinted with biases dedicated to the creation of an ideal world. Experts assure us that this can be done by optimizing “fairness.”

Listen, my children, and you shall hear of the woke march through a school you hold dear. The Ivies had already taken a dive but at MIT hope was still alive.

I’m confused. Maybe you are too. Maybe we’ve been transported into a Bizarro World where words no longer mean what they once meant.

Come join the fun, feel better about yourself, and strike a pose for a better world. And don’t forget to take your meds.

Invoking intersectionality confers sacramental power upon congregants of the fast growing and influential Church of the Righteous Woke.

The ever-growing staff at MIT’s Sloan School DEI Office has mastered the Diversity game. “Increasing our team size is an essential part of our success.”

MIT’s Poetic Justice Group offers full employment for academics that can help MIT goose its BIPOC faculty numbers.

A ferocious attack of words was unleashed at MIT this week terrifying vulnerable students. Smelling salts and fainting couches were distributed.

At MIT, Critical Race Theory is so much more than a cozy sinecure for ranting humanities professors.

Social Security will bankrupt governments. Leave it to an MIT trained economist to solve the problem. Mass suicide of the elderly!

You’ll never guess who MIT’s new president Sally Kornbluth tasked with implementing MIT’s Free Speech Statement into actual policies.

Fawningly introduced by President Sally Kornbluth, Angela Davis wasted no time declaring capitalism the root of all evil.

Remaking a scientific culture shaped by the Enlightenment doesn’t happen overnight. It takes the faith and fervor of a Great Awokening.

What matters most are the narratives we tell ourselves about our accomplishments, thereby developing sufficient self-esteem to overcome imposter syndrome.

“Anti-racism is something we must recommit ourselves to every day, in every class, in every book, talk, meeting, and plan.”

Models developed by MIT economists prove that every advance in wellbeing generated by science and technology has increased income inequality.

When sanctifying Settled Science, properly managing the public narrative is more important than subjecting the science to rigorous analysis.

Do you have any idea how much money we rake in training Chinese students whose government pays their full tuition in return for them spying on classmates?

Employers have to hit certain DEI targets. Those that don’t are not welcome to recruit at MIT. And if you’re queer, we have special programs just for you.

Any subject from ecology to astronomy to medicine can improve its all-important DEI ranking by adding a dash of indigenization.

In disturbing news indicating more work needs to be done, there appear to be MIT faculty members and students who have not yet been bullied into silence.

How to turn any problem, controversy, or virtue signaling occasion into a growth opportunity for MIT’s burgeoning administrative bureaucracy.

Move over Super Mario Brothers! This game is sure to be a bestseller, brought to you by nerds who worship at the altar of woke consciousness.

This event applies Indigenous Ancestral Knowledge, virtual reality storytelling, and ecological architectural design to solve the global warming crisis.

Hundreds of highly paid experts participated in these weighty deliberations, a key building block of MIT’s new Belong, Achievement, and Composition strategic plan.

“Honestly, we haven’t the foggiest idea what Indigenous issues are. I hope no one notices that our report didn’t list a single one. But here’s $50,000.”

Our Fall GII Update outlines progress made to date, justifying the millions of dollars MIT spends on its enormous and rapidly growing administrative staff.

Rugged individualism, toxic masculinity, and aggressive competition are out. Communitarianism, safetyism, and lifelong nurturing are in.

We are instructed to believe that the world’s leading STEM institution is systemically racist. This necessitates hiring more highly paid administrators able to lead MIT along the path of righteousness.

“The racist, colonialist, oppressors on MIT’s faculty called for free speech? Their uppity Free Speech Statement will gather dust in a file cabinet.”

“Climate change and inequality are among the most important issues that humankind faces in the 21st century,” opines this fall’s Global Changes Report.

Sam Brinton and Sam Bankman-Fried will lecture on ethics, virtue, and social justice offered by MIT’s School of Arts, Humanities, and Socialist Scientism.

Starting next semester, all heterosexual white male students at MIT will be required to do the homework assignments of BIPOC LGBTQ students.

We three deans of DEI are. Social justice woke commissars. Dorm and classroom, watch us mind groom. Cross us? Say au revoir.

“Cops are creepy! We need social workers trained to respond to the mental health problems of diverse MIT students suffering from imposter syndrome.”

Ask your managers what additional resources they need. Then give them anything they want, especially more time to complete their assignments.

MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles tasked the world’s leading STEM university to decolonize systemically racist science, incorporating indigenous ways of knowing.

Further taxpayer supported research using ever more complex mathematical models is clearly required to eliminate the horrors of systemic windmill racism.

How can social engineers working in partnership with government build a better world if you don’t believe a word they say? MIT’s GOV/LAB can help.

Everyone must do their part to eliminate toxic masculinity, making sure that college is a nurturing safe space where you can bring your whole self.

“In order to expunge the shame of our racist and colonialist past, I have asked Chancellor Melissa Nobles to help choose a more fitting moniker for MIT.”

“Who could resist the hypnotic allure of a Vera Bradley bag? Goodness gracious, I was tired and I made a terrible mistake. Five years in prison?

Communism has never really been tried because making it work requires technology that is only now becoming available.

An irreverent samizdat webzine appears to have been operating with impunity under the noses of MIT’s normally vigilant thought police.

Discrimination, bullying, harassment, injustice, racism, homophobia … lions and tigers and bears oh my! Who shall control the grievance process?

When it comes to recycling rubbish we implore them to find ways to repurpose MIT’s thundering herd of deans, assistant deans, and overpaid administrators.

What could be more entertaining than watching the rise and fall of an MIT whiz-kid who mastered the art of storytelling to build a better world?

In a harrowing tale of oppression, an MIT graduate student and union activist explains that the only way to end systemic racism in academia is to write him a check.

“Failure to hire a eunuch is a slap in the face of all those committed to gender justice,” screamed the assistant dean of heteronormative decolonization.

Now that we are cut off from their Twitter spew please do your part to draw the Beaver’s attention to new eruptions of woke madness by emailing us tips.

“MIT is proud to offer a safe space for these Musky refugees,” remarked MIT’s former president L. Rafael Reif as he danced his way out the door. “My work is done here.”

We at the Babbling Beaver, along with the Flickering Beacon at UMass Boston, welcome our comrades-in-barbs from Cornell’s Babbling Bear.

Masks are a moral symbol that reduces wearers’ deviant behavior. Imagine the impact on society of mandatory lifetime mask policies.

If you an aspiring high school nerd who dreams of attending MIT, consider adjusting your gender identity if you want to boost your odds of getting in.

Be like Ben. Even better than using other-people’s-money to Build a Better World is creating it out of thin air.

Global elites planning our future have partnered with the major tech companies to control the narrative because “We own the science.”

The breakthrough mastectophalloplasty procedure will remove then immediately replace all gender-unique body parts, entitling patients to full DEI benefits.

Once the acquisition closes, students will be able to fulfill their dreaded humanities requirements taking courses up-river at the Kremlin on the Charles.

Who wouldn’t delight in a peanut butter, banana, and cricket smoothie that delivers yummy virtue with every sip? Help us “mobilize the community.”

The MIT Office of Trans Celebration relies on a deep reservoir of scientific expertise and...

The only equitable way to break the stranglehold America’s top universities have on supplying faculty is to distribute assistant professorships by lottery.

Intersectional solidarity teaches that virtuous allies can do no wrong. Ayatollahs and mullahs cannot be criticized because … Just say no to Islamophobia.

Only thoughts and speech that “empowers the next generation of scientists to create a more just and equitable scientific community” should be permitted on campus.

The MIT Free Speech Alliance avoids criticizing woke DEI programs, loony-left SHASS faculty, and race-grifting senior administrators. The Beaver says Bah!

Little Caesar moaned. “My last parody got spiked because it came true the day before my piece was scheduled to run!”

Chancellor Melissa Nobles served up a word salad with happy dressing sans her usual condemnation of MIT and Western Science for being systemically racist.

Trouble is brewing as restive MIT facilities workers demand a living wage while a ballooning army of DEI deans feast on a cornucopia of dollars.

MIT’s Chancellor & Provost indicated that negotiations could take years. “If you uppity PI plantation lab slaves don’t like it be glad we don’t yank your student visas.”

Bureaucrats at MIT’s School of Science are offering cash rewards for ideas that can help accelerate MIT’s cultural transformation to become more like Oberlin.

“You’ll be sorry, you science denier, when I report you to the Institute Discrimination & Harassment Response Office (IDHR).”

Gender is a social construct and only dangerous reactionaries believe it has anything to do with biological sex.

We can’t wait to see every member of our community reduced to an n-dimensional vector in intersectionality space, assuring just and equitable outcomes.

Making it as difficult as possible for friends, family, guests, alumni, and colleagues to get onto campus certainly helps promote mindless safetyism and an ironclad commitment to administrative bloat.

DNA verification of the declared identity of all applicants, students, faculty, and staff will more effectively support MIT’s science-based DEI programs.

A founding member of MIT Divest, harassing MIT until it liquidates fossil fuel investments, Darya is learning how to work the levers of Democracy.

Congratulations, you are the Elect! We will empower you to grow into your mission as Social Justice Warriors determined to Build a Better World.

MIT’s Discrimination & Harassment Response Office wants you to know that a growing social justice strike force stands poised to smite identity malefactors.

“MIT’s founding presidents perpetrated grave injustices against my indigenous ancestors,” huffed Senator Warren, shaking her fists with poll-tested passion.

Every sexbot comes with optional piercings as well as interchangeable, monkeypox-resistant private parts enabling quick and easy anatomical reassignment.

In 2024 MIT will begin offering a Bachelor of Equity (BE) degree as an alternative to the systemically oppressive Bachelor of Science (BS) diploma.

Social scientists at MIT sound the alarm that allowing transparent public access to scientific data could lead to people thinking for themselves.

The new course will discuss the fallibility of objective reality and introduce the concept of Lived Experience as the primary guide to the physical world.

The key to the long sought Unified Field Theory has been found to be the addition of a fifth force more potent than them all. Black power.

Henceforth, every MIT professor will be assigned a full-time DEI commissar tasked with monitoring all lectures and research programs.

Who’s the leader of the mob that’s come for you and me? MIT..DEI..LOUSE. Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! there. You’re as cancelled as can be. MIT..DEI..LOUSE.

Do you feel daunted, drained, and lonely from the climate crisis? Have no fear, MIT’s Council for the Uncertain Human Future is here!

Nothing says diversity like an all-female team ensuring ethics, equity, and justice in engineering design, education, and human-robot interaction.

MIT’s chancellor Melissa Nobles immediately denounced the apostates, calling for an investigation and deplatforming of the entire AGU program committee.

Emerging from critical theory fever swamps, a child of intersectional “studies, a new religious strike force spreads terror throughout the land.

Become a chosen person and perform design justice pedagogy audits that will strike terror into the hearts of professors that have not yet bent the knee.

Hi, my name is Raffi. It’s been three months since my last act of woke appeasement. Serving as MIT’s president for ten years destroyed my reputation.

They laughed when I told them I was majoring in gender studies with a minor in indigenous justice. “Where are you going to get a job studying that crap?”

Separating people by skin color, sexual preference, national origin, and gender is the best way to contribute to a sense of one community.

The Beaver calls for more reader-submitted samizdat from fellow alums, faculty, and students, including raw story suggestions based on real campus outrages.

President Reif has declared August “Puke Pride Month” ordering the installation of vomitoria to accommodate our regurgitant brothers and sisters.

Science has proven that college swim tests are racist because just as it is a socially accepted stereotype that white men can’t jump, blacks can’t swim.

Embracing scholarship that destroys all semblance of reason and refusing to laugh in the face of patent absurdity signals a culture that has slid into the twilight zone.

Rather than chopping off offending body parts, pumping patients full of hormones, and grafting on fake genitals, just find a matched pair of gender dysphorics eager to swap heads.

Pushing the envelope of queerness in new directions is what MIT’s Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women & Sexuality is all about.

Stay heartsick and enraged over longstanding inequality and exploitation by systemically racist, sexist, and transphobic MIT colleagues because that’s how you enhance community.

Woke Man’s Burden requires ensuring that every field of human endeavor gets problematized, politicized, decolonized, and transgenderized.

Let us leverage indigenous knowledge to develop tasty bug stew recipes that can be simmered over a dung fire to advance environmental justice.

President L. Rafael Reif has called for a new ad hoc working group to recommend policies to protect righteous Twitter mob participants from having their feelings hurt.

Meritocratic elites don’t look like the rest of America. And nothing is more important than forcing every institution to look like the rest of America.

How large should annual reparations checks be, who should receive them, and who should pay for the sins of wicked dead people? MIT’s AI figures it out.

Is your DEI program getting stale.? Does it lack clear objectives beyond providing a talisman to mollify radical employees and ward off woke Twitter mobs?

Scientists must repent their racist ways, science publishing must shed its structural racism, and restorative justice must prevail.

The celebrated MIT Gender Identity Initiative (GII) has run afoul of trans activists who feel that six genders plus make-up-your-own is not enough.

The world needs empowered social entrepreneurs seeking social justice through social engineering and social science, since socialism has never been tried.

The DEI industrial complex at MIT keeps a keen eye on race and ethnicity statistics. From which identity group’s hide must social justice come?

Hey, watch MIT kind of, sort of, grow timber in a test tube! But it’s not quite practical yet. Just enough that our press release can fool journalists.

MIT scientists demonstrated that there is one substance that can be burned forever, yet will never run out. Research funding for climate hysteria.

They call me Lupe Fiasco, Wasalu Muhammad Jaco I was born. My daddy be Black Panther, make you whiteys so forlorn.

We’ve all become quite skilled at mouthing the right slogans and checking the right boxes while keeping our real thoughts to ourselves.

All hate is not created equal. We don’t acknowledge cultural pathologies that reflect badly on preferred identities, or dysfunction in progressive cities.

Excellence must be redefined to be made inclusive. Objective standards and a rigorous core curriculum must give way to other ways of knowing and being.

Trigger Warning! We have detected threatening levels of microaggression, discrimination, and condescension in your writing.

Watch MIT’s DEI deans compete with career hopes of one day becoming a university president despite their total lack of accomplishments or qualifications.

Has your university become an embarrassment to rational humanity? Don’t just sit there, follow the Babbling Beaver and start a satire webzine of your own!

MIT’s DEI staff will make the Russian invaders more divided, more fragile, preoccupied with perceived slights, suspicious of each other, and highly distracted from their main mission.

CEOs must become the empathizing servants of their psychologically sensitive employees. Nothing squelches employee joy more than bosses who don’t speak out against social injustice.

An Indigenous People’s approach to the Earth must be extended to the Moon, which has a spirit that must be respected. How can this make space sustainable?

The burgeoning adolescent gender-affirmation surgery movement will inevitably help rejuvenate the declining world of opera.

MIT EAPS is now offering cash prizes to minions who “have shown dedication towards service that ensures justice, equity, diversity and inclusion.”

Harvard president Larry Bacow launched a $100M program determined to prove that Harvard is more evil than MIT. “The primary role of higher education is to prove that Western Civilization is morally bankrupt.”

“If we don’t save STEM from the woke mind virus we will run out of engineers to help me colonize Mars, decarbonize transportation, and perfect solar power.”

SCIENCE must root out heteronormative white male oppression, colonialist appropriation, and the injustices, inequities, and indignities perpetrated thereby.

The only way women can escape the toxic “manosphere” is to have their own Feminist Internet.

The only way MIT can cleanse itself of its racist and colonialist past is to return the land upon which the university was built to its rightful indigenous owners.

Western science has been a powerful tool of domination, oppression and erasure. Feminist, queer, and indigenous methodologies are robust, ethical, and culturally informed.

MIT’s 21st Century Democracy Program is bringing settled science to the understanding of politics.

Thousands of mountains, valleys and rivers located on public lands have racist and problematic names that perpetuate a history of colonial oppression.

Nothing signals virtue more strongly than publishing anodyne values statements asserting one’s goodness.

MIT’s Student Mental Health & Counseling Services wants everyone to know that they “stand with our students, staff, and faculty of color in denouncing racial oppression and brutality and the system of white supremacy that perpetuates it.”

Currying favor with the DEI Deanocracy while seeking safety from woke Twitter mobs has become the new way of life at MIT.

The goal is to ensure that every preferred identity group have its own designated safe space for living and socializing.

To help struggling DEI admits, MIT unveiled a series of diversity-centric engineering & science courses.

The Beaver denies all such allegations, but wishes they were true. Meanwhile, the mockery marches on!

MIT cancels its founder as it bends the knee to cancel culture and revisionist history. So long, William, we hardly knew ya.

MIT surrendered the dream of making STEM more diverse, equitable, and inclusive and will no longer admit students with poor math skills.

MIT’s Institute Community and Equity Officer (ICEO) applauded the move, wondering whether this might help MIT move up to NCAA Division II.

Starting with the 2022-2023 academic year, all MIT students taking humanities courses will receive participation trophies instead of letter grades.

We must protect the civil rights of the latest oppressed minority seeking affirmation and social justice – people who identify as Napoleon.

First place goes to whomever can define “Equity” and measure MIT’s progress against it.

Everything is about Race. No, everything is about Gender. No, wait, everything is about Sexuality. Identity. Climate Justice. Hegemonic Patriarchy. White Supremacy.

Nothing warms a Woke college administrator’s heart more than watching herds of students meekly comply with their mandates.

We have a dream that one day every member of the MIT community will be judged not by the obsolete concept of individual merit but by their intersectional identity.

Attention transgressive nerds: The Babbling Beaver needs your defiant erudition and rapier wit to help defend the world’s top STEM university from a total Woke takeover.

Eliminating heterosexual white male candidates will level the STEM playing field, advancing the goal of stamping out MIT’s implicit White Supremacy Culture.

“Had I known that the same thing would happen to my foundation that happened to Henry Ford’s,” remarked HP co-founder William Hewlett as he turned over in his grave, “I would have left my fortune to feed homeless cats.”

MIT’s new Gift Acceptance Committee is tasked with ensuring donations only come from ideologically vetted woke sources guaranteed not to trigger Twitter mob embarrassment.

I hope no one expects us to refund the millions of dollars funneled our way just because a distinguished member of the MIT Corporation turned out to be a sanctioned oligarch whose boss launched an invasion.

MIT’s leading feminist professor explains why critics of wokeness should shut up and abandon an epistemology that privileges reason.

Now that Father Moloney is gone and forgotten we are ready to install this sacred idol in the MIT Chapel as a reminder of the structural wickedness of those who graduated in the dark days before DEI Enlightenment.

MIT’s failed experiment in dropping the SAT during the Covid crisis. It turns out, engineering is not for everyone.

She/her/hers came to MIT to study physics but quickly took refuge in the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences in search of a major that does not inflict the systematic oppression of objective standards.

MIT Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender Culture Women and Sexuality promotes bizarre and perverse sex acts to fight the cisheteronormative patriarchy.

A team of expert consultants flown in from Oberlin are confident that most MIT undergraduates can acquire sensitivity to femtoaggressions.

No one can divide us into oppressed and oppressor classes if we practice solidarity and all claim to identify with everybody.

Despite repeatedly lowering academic standards to reduce student stress and enable deeper inclusiveness of the less capable, social scientists ensconced in the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences determined that today’s heartsick, anguished, and enraged students have the lowest level of resilience to unwelcome ideas since Galileo was brought up on charges.

Insisting on basic competence in math or science, much less excellence for which this institution was formerly known, is an act of oppression inconsistent with a Diverse, Equitable, and Inclusive MIT.

Blindly appeasing cancel culture twitter mobs is the key legacy of MIT past president L. Rafael Reif.