Mushroom wisdom wielded by MIT anthropologists to decolonize biology
As the woke waters continue rising from the fever swamps of MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts, and...
MIT researchers determined to teach large language models wokespeak
Scientists from MIT’s Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (CSAIL) are...
MIT Alumni Association roiled by attempt to introduce diverse viewpoints
Trouble is brewing as subservient leaders of the MIT Alumni Association attempt to plausibly...
The Midnight Ride of the Beaver’s Sneer
With apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Listen, my children, and you shall hear Of the woke...
MIT “Poet of Code” spearheads the Algorithmic Justice League
When the Beaver concocted the AI Reparations Algorithm little did he know that an MIT digital...
Earth and Planetary Sciences (EAPS) is MIT’s woke sanctuary city
You might think climate scientists have their hands full making the most of the bonanza of...
MIT’s Interfaith Chaplain worried about AI’s that feel pain
MIT has come a long way since it drove Father Maloney out of town over his failure to rush to...
MIT diversity princelings party on
Is this a great gig, or what? The ever-growing staff at MIT’s Sloan School DEI Office has mastered...
MIT Poetic Justice Group creates art at the scale of injustice
How do we make urgent art in the space between feeling and fact? How can we create art at the...
MIT students traumatized by words
A ferocious attack of words was unleashed at MIT this week terrifying vulnerable students, causing...
A black hole at MIT is sucking down money, talent, and resources
At MIT, Critical Race Theory is so much more than a cozy sinecure for ranting humanities...
MIT PhD economist, now Yale professor, solves Social Security bankruptcy threat
Long before global warming causes the oceans to boil or AI robots replace the human race, Social...
MIT asks censorious foxes to guard the free speech henhouse
After a year of sturm und drang the MIT administration finally adopted a Freedom of Expression...
Avowed communist, and accessory to murder, schools MIT on systemic racism
This year’s MLK celebration, co-hosted by MIT’s Institute Community & Equity Office and MIT’s...
Enshrining settled science via storytelling at the new MIT
Remaking a scientific culture shaped by the Enlightenment doesn’t happen overnight. It takes the...
Dossiers of anonymous denunciations help MIT mold students’ characters
Move over STASI wanabees. Hats off to you, J. Edgar Hoover. All hail Maxient, MIT’s chosen...
Diverse, equitable, inclusive, community design justice for a sustainable future
Training students to imagine a future encompassing all the key virtues required to redeem Western...
MIT writing requirement incorporates anti-racism ideology in every class
“Anti-racism is something we must recommit ourselves to every day, in every class, in every book,...
New MIT research indicates science and technology cause income inequality
Groundbreaking computer models developed by MIT economists prove that every advance in material...
MIT librarians train climate catastrophists to control the Wikipedia narrative
When sanctifying Settled Science, properly managing the public narrative is more important than...
Come on, MIT stopped taking Putin’s money. Don’t take away Xi Jinping’s!
How is a STEM university with an $18 billion dollar endowment that gets $500 million a year from...
MIT promotes Your Queer Career. And so much more.
To appreciate the values of the world’s leading STEM university, understand that identity is...
MIT climate action advocates guiltlessly recruit slaveholders to their cause
Enjoying the magic of intersectional indulgences, the MIT Climate Nucleus and Environmental...
MIT FIRE report reveals Woke takeover of STEM not yet complete
In disturbing news indicating more work needs to be done, there appear to be MIT faculty members...
MIT launches ad hoc working group to manage ad hoc working groups
One of the signature legacies of MIT’s past president L. Rafael Reif was his enthusiasm for...
MIT antiracism virtual reality game exorcises your Islamophobia
DEI pedagogy is like a gas that penetrates all space, seeping into every nook and cranny of the...
LGBTQIA+ advocates furious at being excluded from climate justice confab
“The Imperative of Justice: Incubating Community-Engaged and Indigenous-led Climate Justice...
MIT All-Gender Restrooms Working Group announces pee & poo inclusivity study
Plans for a major new Campus Inclusive Restroom Study were unveiled as the grand finale of the 52...
MIT names VP of Indigenous Affairs, Great Sail to be replaced with Tee Pee
MIT’s Indigenous Working Group finally issued its report now that Chancellor Melissa Nobles and...
MIT Gender Identity Initiative remakes campus culture through big data
Rolling out MIT’s new Belonging, Achievement, and Composition plan requires a total information...
Sloanies proudly monetize female neuroses
Are you a female-identifying Millennial recently released from the educational cocoon into the...
Another MIT committee fans racial tensions to expand bloated bureaucracy
We are instructed to believe that the world’s leading STEM institution is systemically racist....
MIT administration greets faculty vote on Free Speech statement with crickets
After six months of sturm und drang during which MIT’s enlightened administration hoped the...
MIT Earth, Atmospheric & Planetary Sciences (EAPS) wins the Most Woke department prize
Following last year’s blowout victory thanks to its courageous cancellation of DEI blasphemer...
Lecture series by celebrated MIT alumni on ethics, virtue, and social justice
The new MIT doesn’t just teach its students to be great scientists and engineers. In recent years...
ChatGPT joins the Babbling Beaver, composing its first Beaver Dropping
“Good evening, members of the MIT community. I am Melissa Nobles, the Chancellor of the...
We Three Deans of DEI Are
(Sung to the tune of We Three Kings.) We three deans of DEI are,Social justice woke...
MIT campus police make me feel unsafe!
At the height of the George Floyd madness when no campus leader wanted to miss out on virtue...
MIT Sloan School calls for more managers to handle the increased social justice load
Sounding off in the December MIT Sloan Management Review Denise Hamilton, consultant, inclusion...
MIT scientists & indigenous storytellers team up to restore buffalo consciousness
MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles tasked the world’s leading STEM university to decolonize...
MIT environmental scientists despair over inability to prevent windmill racism
In a never-ending quest to make their research relevant enough to assure government grant renewal,...
MIT GOV/LAB wants to improve democracy by increasing trust in government
“Trust in government is related to higher levels of citizen cooperation and voluntary compliance.”...
“Wide Tim” infantilized mascot envelops MIT students in its joyous embrace
Everyone must do their part to eliminate toxic masculinity, making sure that college is a...
MIT considers name change to reflect its evolving mission
In his last official act before checking in for rehab at College Presidents Anonymous, outgoing...
Please help keep MIT’s most celebrated LGBTQ role model out of jail
Prominent MIT alum, deputy assistant secretary of the DOE Office of Spent Fuel and Waste...
MIT Technology Review explains Social Credit Systems
Communism has never really been tried because making it work requires technology that is only now...
Clandestine cabal of student satirists uncovered at MIT. Who are these guys?
Publishing under a series of different mastheads mocking MIT’s authorized student newspaper, an...
Shocking leak reveals MIT plans to replace grad students with AI robots
Ever since graduate students successfully achieved union certification believing this would force...
EXTRA: McGill joins the revolution, launches the Babbling Martlet
In the beginning was the Babbling Beaver, offering fake news you can trust from transgressive...
MIT diversity bureaucrats offer training on how to fill out DEI loyalty oaths
Pursuing an academic career under the new woke order requires hewing to an ideological orthodoxy...
Have a Happy DEI Thanksgiving
Source: MIT Institute Community & Equity Office The sacred mission of every modern university...
MIT Graduate Student Union squares off against the Title IX IDHR gestapo
Discrimination, bullying, harassment, injustice, racism, homophobia … lions and tigers and bears...
Turning students into proselytizing zombies now an essential part of MIT pedagogy
Photo source: MIT Trashion Show on YouTube Filling the meaning-shaped hole in young peoples' heads...
MIT alum 30-under-30 “effective altruist” Sam Bankman-Fried captures the zeitgeist
As we watch Western Civilization descend into madness in a clown parade led by university...
Seven steps to entrenching a permanent DEI bureaucracy in your organization
The MIT Sloan Management Review, in its October 26th issue, offers sound advice on how to overcome...
MIT Undergraduate Association President throws hissy fit over free speech
In a guest column in MIT’s student newspaper The Tech, the outraged Undergraduate Association...
Free money for preferred identities is the only way to reach equity utopia
In a harrowing tale of oppression, an MIT graduate student and union activist explains that the...
Why must MIT’s president always be a heteronormative man or woman?
Rejected presidential search candidates With the announcement that Dr. Sally Kornbluth has been...
MIT School of Humanities, Arts, & Socialist Scientism defenestrates the Beaver
The Babbling Beaver is shocked, shocked, that the thin-skinned minions who get paid to run the...
MIT social impact internships teach MIT students to think like subsistence farmers
Once upon a time MIT graduates sent men to the moon, built hydroelectric dams that powered entire...
Laid off Twitter content moderators flock to MIT’s IDHR office
With no job skills beyond the ability to spot the tiniest microaggressions, declare heretical...
Menstruation Scientists claim that 20% of MIT women are impaired at work
Belying claims that gender is a social construct unrelated to biology, gyneactivists assailed MIT...
In order to save Democracy from misinformation, we need more mob rule
Classic SNL skit “More Cowbell” with music expert Bruce Dickinson aka Christopher Walken Experts...
MIT’s Babbling Beaver Welcomes Cornell’s Babbling Bear to the Fight
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for loyal alumni, distressed by the woke...
Nature’s special issue on toxic racism catalogs violence and abuse in academia
Guest edited by social scientist and MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles, whose claim to fame is...
Research by MIT social scientist says mask wearing makes you more moral
In a breakthrough social scientific study conducted in conjunction with Chinese communists,...
Identifying as female doubles your chances of getting into MIT
Are you an aspiring high school nerd who dreams of attending the world’s most exclusive STEM...
Heckler’s veto mob invades MIT, advancing climate justice and environmental virtue
Photo Source: Divest Harvard As Europe prepares to freeze in the dark and Sri Lankans starve for...
Nobel committee distinguishes itself by awarding Economics Prize to MIT alum
Not since the great humanitarian Yasser Arafat was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize has the Nobel...
Where does MIT fit in a great reset world where the U.N. “owns the science?”
During September's World Economic Forum 2022 Sustainable Development Impact Meetings U.N....
MIT makes a trans-trans breakthrough delivering intersectional solidarity to all
The quest to achieve diversity, equity, inclusion, social justice, belonging, and community –...
MIT to sell School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism (SHASS) to Harvard
MIT reached agreement last night to sell its problematic School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist...
MIT Office of Sustainability says, “Let them eat weeds and bugs!”
Sri Lankan’s are starving, California’s power grid is tottering, and Germans are hunkering down to...
MIT offers Male-to-Eunuch gender dysphorics access to affirming surgery
The MIT Office of Trans Celebration relies on a deep reservoir of scientific expertise and...
Equity advocates demand that college professorships be granted by lottery
In yet another editorial broadside fired at the systemically racist, patriarchal, heteronormative,...
MIT’s virtue-signaling leaders respond to Iranian repression with … crickets
MIT stands together against hate. Well, uh, most of the time. If you are a member of any...
“This is not cancel culture; it is evolution and progress”
“The invocation of “woke ideology” as a bogeyman is a calculated distraction to avoid discussing...
The MIT Free Speech Alliance stays pure
Free speech. Viewpoint Diversity. Academic Freedom. The MIT Free Speech Alliance is pledged to...
Babbling Beaver writers complain that real MIT news is crowding out parody
Another day in the Babbling Beaver writers’ room and the complaints are flying. “Did you see the...
MIT gathers its faithful alumni to hear the administration line. Now go collect money.
MIT’s annual Alumni Leadership Conference (ALC) is back in person after the Covid interregnum. The...
Millions for Diversicrats, pay cuts for workers
Trouble is brewing on the banks of the Charles as restive MIT facilities workers demand social...
Negotiations with MIT grad student union begin: Pinkertons on standby
MIT’s newly authorized Graduate Student Union, an affiliate of the United Electrical, Radio, and...
MIT Quality of Life grant program seeks DEI expansion into the School of Science
Fearing they might fall behind their righteous colleagues in the School of Humanities, Arts, and...
Food fight breaks out in Slobdell dining hall as trans and gay activists feud
The normally docile nerd decorum at MIT’s Slobdell dining hall was shattered yesterday when the...
Technology Review unleashes cub reporter to debunk gender affirmation heresy
The formerly credible MIT Technology Review, incensed that surgeons at Boston Children’s Hospital...
MIT rebrands its diversity programs, doubling down on identity ideology
The Babbling Beaver applauds MIT’s just released “Strategic Action Plan for Belonging,...
MIT to build a moat around campus to protect out of touch administrators
Visitors to MIT might be surprised to find that the door to every building on campus remains...
MIT replaces Covid testing with mandatory DNA testing
The world’s leading STEM institution is repurposing its Covid testing facilities to conduct...
MIT woke pentathlon champion nominated for elevation to sainthood
It’s not every day that an engineer who identifies as female comes along advocating for climate...
Lame duck MIT president L. Rafael Reif welcomes the Class of 2026
For the last time during my problematic tenure as president of the world’s leading STEM university...
MIT’s diverse Title IX office fights identity-based harm and harassment
With a staff two dozen strong, the MIT Institute Discrimination & Harassment Response Office...
Senator Elizabeth Warren visits MIT to help stamp out capitalist exploitation
U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Cherokee Nation) held an exclusive pow-wow at MIT with lame duck...
MIT Design Justice Program develops gender fluid, racially diverse sexbots
In a breakthrough hailed as a milestone in design justice praxis the Jeffrey Epstein funded MIT...
MIT to offer Bachelor of Equity degree
In a groundbreaking advance designed to promote Chancellor Melissa Nobles’ initiative to...
MIT social scientists: Thinking for yourself could erode trust in experts
In a little noticed paper titled Viral Visualizations: How Coronavirus Skeptics Use Orthodox Data...
Curriculum changes made to correct MIT’s legacy of oppression
MIT has announced that it is adding an alternative course for its entry level freshman requirement...
MIT announces new department of racial sciences
MIT’s Nobel Prize winning scientists have worked for decades trying to unify the four fundamental...
Only a vast expansion of administrative staff can help MIT’s chancellor fight racism
As chancellor Melissa Nobles has stated repeatedly, science is plagued by systemic racism. MIT is...
Come join the Wokey Louse Club!
Sung to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club theme song. Who's the leader of the mobThat's come for...
MIT navel gazing circles convened to face the climate crisis in solidarity
Do you feel daunted, drained, and lonely from your struggle to reckon with the climate crisis? Do...
Testosterone-free Diversity
Source: MIT Media Lab website If design justice is your name, emasculation is your game. It is an...
American Geophysical Union (AGU) defies the DEI mafia
In a shocking act of defiance, the American Geophysical Union (AGU) has decided to host a session...
Nobody expects the Woke Inquisition!
Emerging from the critical theory fever swamps, coming of age in a proliferation of intersectional...
Design justice pedagogy takes MIT by storm
Are you being oppressed by your condo’s architecture? Do the buttons on your iPhone reproduce the...
College Presidents Anonymous to hire outgoing MIT President L. Rafael Reif
Hi, my name is Raffi. It’s been three months since my last act of woke appeasement. Serving as...
Look, Ma, I’m a DEI expert! I have a certificate and everything
They laughed when I told them I was majoring in gender studies with a minor in indigenous justice....
Divide & Rule: MIT Employee Resource Groups (ERG) celebrate segregation
Photo source: Change.org petition demanding children be taught about British Colonialism Taking a...
The Babbling Beaver Needs You!
The Babbling Beaver, unlike its exemplar the Babylon Bee, is an unmonetized labor of (tough) love....
Anorexia-affirming care is the next frontier in aberrant psycho-liberation
MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts and Socialist Sciences has long partnered with MIT’s burgeoning...
Should MIT be shamed into scrapping its racist swim test?
Science has proven that college swim tests are racist because just as it is a socially accepted...
Radical feminist coven at MIT challenges normative conceptions of space & time
Step aside, Albert, MIT’s Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women &...
Harvard-MIT Health Sciences & Technology program pursues trans head-swap surgery
It’s a breakthrough that trans activists are hailing as the ultimate solution to being born in the...
Queer theory meets bible study as Sodom and Gomorrah comes to MIT
Pushing the envelope of queerness in new directions is what MIT’s Consortium for Graduate Studies...
Move over DEI: Excellence, Belonging, and Community (EBC) is the new virtue trifecta
Did you know that MIT has a self-identified “humanistic” faculty, distinguishing themselves from...
Say hello to Physics Justice
Plopping a plethora of prefixes such as social, racial, economic, or environmental in front of...
Environmental justice requires linguistic pretzel making
The MIT Office of Sustainability is the world’s leading promoter of environmental justice, as you...
Blowback is unfair to cancel-culture mob leaders with sensitive feelings
What’s a DEI-admit suffering from imposter syndrome to do? You righteously join a Twitter mob to...
Meritocracy vs. Mediocrity. Should MIT be made to look like the rest of America?
The one thing that progressive elites agree on is that elitism is bad. Especially if the wrong...
MIT develops AI to calculate fair & equitable reparations payments
Everyone except white supremacists agree that reparations payments for slavery and colonization...
New and improved DEI 2.0 program with values and principles!
Is your DEI program getting stale.? Does it lack clear objectives beyond providing a talisman to...
Science must overcome its racist legacy: MIT’s Chancellor speaks
Launching a public relations campaign in the world’s most prestigious scientific journal, the...
MIT Gender Identity Initiative accused of making trans-exclusionary mistakes
The celebrated MIT Gender Identity Initiative (GII) has run afoul of trans activists who feel that...
MIT social engineers call for indigenous and antiracist technology
What the world needs most is empowered social entrepreneurs seeking social justice through the use...
MIT Diversity Dashboard reveals vast underrepresentation of despised majority
What you don’t measure you can’t manage, so the DEI industrial complex at MIT keeps a keen eye on...
Woke science serves social fashion
Trees good. Cutting down trees, bad. Hey, watch MIT kind of, sort of, grow timber in a test tube!...
MIT scientists discover infinite source of sustainable career energy
In a thoroughly disinterested and non-conflicted decarbonization report titled “The Future of...
Hip-Hop star Lupe Fiasco appointed MLK visiting professor at MIT
They call me Lupe Fiasco, Wasalu Muhammad Jaco I was born. My daddy be Black Panther, make you...
MIT graduates celebrate brief interlude of freedom to speak their minds
Surviving four years of rigorous course requirements, grueling problem sets, a global pandemic,...
MIT community stands together against some kinds of hate
MIT faculty, staff and students didn’t stand together today on the steps of the Stratton Student...
Advancing DEI identity quotas at STEM universities demands redefining excellence
Protecting the soft underbelly of the social justice movement at an elite STEM university grounded...
Speech-cop AI wins second place in MIT $100K entrepreneurship competition
Trigger Warning! We have detected threatening levels of microaggression, discrimination, and...
MIT Deans compete in the DEI Derby
It’s a big day at MIT in this first triple crown race as America’s leading DEI Deans set their...
UMass launches The Flickering Beacon following the Babbling Beaver’s trail
Joining the fight against the woke pandemic eating the brain matter of American universities, say...
MIT throws full support behind Ukraine, will send entire DEI staff to Russia
Today, standing in front of the Ukrainian flag, lame-duck MIT President L. Rafael Reif announced...
MIT Sloan School goes full SJW – Workplace joy requires woke CEOs
The Joy Gap is the new thing. Experts say that nothing squelches employee joy more than bosses who...
Space. The identity frontier. Woke slogans go where none have gone before.
Only MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts & Socialist Sciences has the power to launch DEI into...
Pre-pubescent transgenderism portends the return of castrati to opera
In a recent opinion piece published in the Chronicle of Higher Education, Dr. Aufer Testiculi,...
Cancel culture queens now offering $1,000 bribes to DEI bullies
MIT’s Department of Earth, Atmospheric, and Planetary Sciences (EAPS), celebrated for its...
Harvard one-ups MIT in the Oppressor Olympics. “We owned more slaves!”
Stung by MIT’s pledge to return its Cambridge campus to the Wampanoag Indians, Harvard president...
Elon Musk makes bid to buy MIT and save free speech on campus
In a surprise follow-up to his purchase of Twitter, the world’s richest free speech advocate has...
Diversity is now a Science. With labs and everything!
In a never-ending quest to root out heteronormative white male oppression, colonialist...
MIT Undergraduates Seek to Form Union
Emboldened by the recent success of MIT’s graduate students forming a union to save them from...
MIT Technology Review jumps on the separate-but-equal bandwagon
MIT’s flagship technology magazine has decided that achieving social justice and global safe...
MIT agrees to cede Cambridge campus back to the Wampanoag Nation
In his final act of contrition prior to retirement President L. Rafael Reif has determined that...
MIT graduate seminar advances a new kind of science poised to take over STEM
This breakthrough summer seminar in Feminist, Queer, and Indigenous Methodologies is offered by...
MIT’s 21st Century Democracy Program declares midterm elections a fraud
As vote tallies come in and the Incumbent Party heads toward what appears to be the worst midterm...
MIT Earth & Planetary Sciences to rename racist mountains, rivers and valleys
“Thousands of mountains, valleys and rivers located on public lands have racist and problematic...
MIT’s holy trinity bless all nerds with admonitions of kindergarten kindness
President L. Rafael Reif, Provost Cynthia Barnhart, and Chancellor Melissa Nobles issued a first...
MIT Medical declares systematic oppression a public health crisis
In an effort to reduce the soaring rate of despondency, anxiety, gender dysphoria, and other...
The Babbling Beaver opens nominations
for the MIT Smarmy Toady Award
In order to recognize excellence among the fellow travelers and useful idiots complicit in the...
Identity-based dorms thrive at MIT “Separation is not segregation!”
Responding to problematic accusations that MIT is fostering racial, ethnic, and dysphoric...
MIT announces new diversity-centric science and engineering curriculum
In order to help struggling DEI-admits engage more inclusively with MIT's heightened commitment to...
MIT accuses the Babbling Beaver of being funded by the Koch Brothers
Allegations are flying that the Babbling Beaver is backed by two of MIT's most notorious...
Ghost of William Barton Rogers haunts SHASS hallways searching for his society
Ever since the quiet cancellation of the William Barton Rogers Society that once honored MIT’s...
Bowing to Babbling Beaver mockery MIT reinstates Math SAT requirement
Succumbing to heartless logic, aided and abetted by castorid humiliation, MIT surrendered the...
Entire membership of MIT fraternity Kappa Mu Alpha goes gender fluid
In a bold announcement embracing the burgeoning Panism Movement at MIT, the entire brotherhood of...
MIT School of Humanities to replace grades with participation trophies
Today, the Committee on Equity in Student Performance at the MIT School of Humanities, Arts, and...
Men and womxn who identify as Napoleon deserve equal rights now!
The MIT Program in Women’s & Gender Studies in conjunction with the Intersectional Empowerment...
MIT opens nominations for eleven “Individuals Supporting Equity” awards
MIT Division of Student Life wants your nominations for this year’s inclusive smorgasbord of RISE...
MIT School of Humanities and Social Justice goes all-in on partisan politics
Democracy is crumbling, and what better way to save it than to have the world’s formerly leading...
Beanies return as solidarity symbols as masks disappear from campus
Nothing warms a Woke college administrator's heart more than watching herds of students meekly...
MIT’s growing HR empire announces Apparatchik of the Year award
Empowered MIT administrators, recognizing the evolving culture at what was once the world’s...
Calling all clever MIT faculty, students, and alumni – help save the ‘Tute!
Attention transgressive nerds: The Babbling Beaver needs your defiant erudition and rapier wit to...
MIT Presidential Search Committee announces no cis white males need apply
Taking its cue from President Joe Biden’s search for a new Supreme Court justice, the newly formed...
MIT accepts multimillion dollar grant to establish center to dismantle capitalism
MIT joins fellow travelers at the Harvard Kennedy School to scarf down millions that entrepreneurs...
MIT announces Persona Non Grata donor rejection program
MIT lame-duck President L. Rafael Reif, still smarting from getting his fingers caught in the...
MIT’s collaboration with Russia’s Scientific Potemkin Village goes kablooey
“They seemed like such a diverse, equitable, and inclusive bunch of fellas,” lamented MIT’s lame...
Edsel Professor of Misgendered Studies explains MIT’s evolving speech code
Wielding powerfully obfuscating rhetoric honed over years of studying social and political...
This year’s Brass Rat Ring Melt dedicated to the expiation of alumni sins
Under a mandate from MIT's new Dean of Atonement, this years Brass Rat Ring Melt will go toward...
MIT permanently drops requiring math SAT scores for admission
Following the lead of other formerly top-ranked universities, MIT will permanently stop...
Half of MIT students are below average
In a shocking finding by MIT social scientists using advanced statistical modeling developed to...
MIT dives into erotic vomiting to reorganize hegemonic gender formations
MIT’s Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women and Sexuality in its Erotic...
MIT physicists discover the world’s first femtoaggression
Shattering the quantum limit of detection, a team of MIT physicists have discovered the world’s...
MIT President cancels himself
Exhausted from a decade of fighting a losing battle in the Woke takeover slowly turning the...
Burgeoning Panism movement hacks DEI divisiveness
Invoking the trump card of transcendent fluidity, MIT engineers began dissolving the Gordian noose...
MIT President appoints new Dean of Safe Spaces and Cry Rooms
MIT President Rafael Reif today reacted with customary panic and appeasement to two anonymous...
President Reif Issues Statement on Hostage Taking at Texas Synagogue
To the members of the MIT community, It is with a heavy heart that I feel obliged to comment...
Preferred-pronoun violator sentenced to ducking stool attitude correction
Double-masked jeerers from cadre pods 6 and 7 attended the first use of the new ducking stool at...
MIT Graduate Student Union instructed to go pound sand
MIT’s diverse graduate student workforce, which has been attempting to unionize seeking a safe and...
Dean of Inquisition publishes updated Index of Forbidden Words
MIT Associate Dean of Inquisition today announced the publication of volume 12 of the Index of...
December MIT Corporation meeting unnerved by renegade proposal
Shocking the normally docile and obsequious members of the recent rubber-stamp MIT...
Dorian Abbot summoned to attend MIT struggle session
Infamous geophysicist Dorian Abbot has been summoned to the next regularly scheduled Struggle...
MIT President pledges to wear hairshirt until campus equity achieved
In a gesture of profound virtue, manifested by self-mortification of biblical proportions, MIT...
Mushroom wisdom wielded by MIT anthropologists to decolonize biology
As the woke waters continue rising from the fever swamps of MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism the Department of Anthropology has taken on the challenge of decolonizing biology, yet another step on the road to overthrowing the oppression...
MIT researchers determined to teach large language models wokespeak
Scientists from MIT’s Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (CSAIL) are determined to make sure that programming AIs like ChatGPT incorporate “logic” that rids them of heretical biases absorbed from training on real-world data. Misinformation that...
MIT Alumni Association roiled by attempt to introduce diverse viewpoints
Trouble is brewing as subservient leaders of the MIT Alumni Association attempt to plausibly justify blocking an application for affiliation by an alumni free speech advocacy group unafraid to question administration policies. “This is without precedent,” exclaimed...
The Midnight Ride of the Beaver’s Sneer
With apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Listen, my children, and you shall hear Of the woke march through a school you hold dear. The Ivies had already taken a dive But at MIT hope was still alive, The last holdout of the free engineer. He said to his friends,...
MIT “Poet of Code” spearheads the Algorithmic Justice League
When the Beaver concocted the AI Reparations Algorithm little did he know that an MIT digital celebrity and her band of comic book inspired superheroines already occupied the high ground. The Algorithmic Justice League is dedicated to fighting computerized villainy,...
Earth and Planetary Sciences (EAPS) is MIT’s woke sanctuary city
You might think climate scientists have their hands full making the most of the bonanza of attention, prestige, and funding that has come their way since convincing politicians, corporations, the media, and a rising generation of neurotic youth zombified by a...
MIT’s Interfaith Chaplain worried about AI’s that feel pain
MIT has come a long way since it drove Father Maloney out of town over his failure to rush to judgment and instantly sustain the prevailing media narrative over the BLM conflagration of the week. MIT’s new and improved Interfaith Chaplain Nina Lytton (she/her/hers)...
MIT diversity princelings party on
Is this a great gig, or what? The ever-growing staff at MIT’s Sloan School DEI Office has mastered the Diversity game. “Bryan needs to receive a lot of credit for having a vision that made the need for increasing our team size an essential part of our success....
MIT Poetic Justice Group creates art at the scale of injustice
How do we make urgent art in the space between feeling and fact? How can we create art at the scale of injustice? How do we create interdisciplinary creative proposals—employing prompts, challenges, collaborations—that explore what poetic justice—new forms of justice...
MIT students traumatized by words
A ferocious attack of words was unleashed at MIT this week terrifying vulnerable students, causing the DEI administration to go to Defcon 1. Emergency supplies of smelling salts and fainting couches were distributed across campus. Words appeared not only on flyers but...