“We, the all-female enforcement and investigation team of MIT’s Institute Discrimination & Harassment Response Office (IDHR) do solemnly pledge to resist all reactionary enforcement actions of the federal Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) to desegregate campus housing, an action that would destroy the oppressed/oppressor justification for our existence, thereby undermining the mandate of MIT’s Chancellor Melissa Nobles to brand MIT and all of science as systemically racist.

“We have no intention of obeying the ‘Dear Colleague letter’ recently promulgated by the Assistant Secretary for Fair Housing and Equal Opportunity, despite the fact that our very empowerment as an unaccountable unified secret police, judge, and jury, all freed from the shackles of due process, was established via a Dear Colleague letter.

“Chocolate City, an all-black male dorm founded at MIT half a century ago, is an essential pillar of identitarian solidarity designed to inculcate a permanent state of victimhood in African American students at MIT who might otherwise integrate with White, Asian, and Hispanic students across MIT’s dormitory and fraternity system. Such a dilution of identitarian power threatens the jobs of thousands of highly paid female administrators like ourselves, who would otherwise be forced to work as baristas at Starbucks.

“Rest assured that we will investigate every anonymous tip coming in to our incident report hotline, especially of any students or professors who refuse to acknowledge the unfalsifiable fact that rampant racial discrimination continues to plague our campus culture, as attested by every microaggression report catalogued in our extensive Maxient database.

“So fear not, men of Chocolate City. We powerful women will continue to defend you, knowing how helpless you are in the face of systemic forces that you have no agency to resist. Cling to each other for the sake of safety, and trust in our benevolent protection.”