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MIT campus police make me feel unsafe!

At the height of the George Floyd madness when no campus leader wanted to miss out on virtue signaling opportunities, MIT president L. Rafael Reif, informed by a petition from the Black Students Union, convened a Working Group on Reimagining Public Safety at MIT.

Leveraging the moral momentum generated by the Defund the Police Movement, social justice warrior Chancellor Melissa Nobles co-chaired a party pack of deans, associate deans, DEI officers, HR managers, and activist student leaders determined to eliminate the scourge of scary policemen, whose very appearance created “feelings of anxiety and unease.”

“Cops are creepy! What we need is a team of social workers trained to respond to the unique mental health problems of increasingly diverse MIT students suffering from imposter syndrome,” screamed undergraduate committee representative Tiffany Timentes as she popped another fistful of Adderalls.

And so, MIT is proud to announce the transition of its campus police into a battalion of unarmed Community Service Officers (CSOs) equipped with milk and cookies, ready to respond to any campus emergency. Hats off to President Reif for adding another crowning achievement to his legacy.

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  1. Richard Collarini

    As I remember from my undergraduate years, the MIT Campus police performed one function superbly – they protected us from the Cambridge police. It’s good to know that a rogue policeman in Minneapolis can affect policies on a Massachusetts college campus. Maybe we can return the favor and send CSO’s with milk and cookies to Minnesota.

  2. Anon

    I noticed that the recent “MIT: Regressions” film didn’t even mention Sean Collier. I suppose it didn’t fit with their agenda, since he was milk and cookie-less.


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