In its relentless quest to keep affirmative action alive in the face of the recent Supreme Court ruling, MIT has promoted Stu Shill, Dean of Admissions, to a new position as the Dean of BIPOC Verification.
“We already figured out how to use the right essay question to legally continue practicing racial discrimination,” explained Dr. Shill. “But the growing problem of false preferred identity claims remains. Given MIT’s devotion to scientific composition targets and the lack of a national preferred identity verification bureau, social justice demands that we assume this responsibility ourselves.”
The MIT admissions office long ago figured out how to use vague, capricious, and subjective ‘holistic’ criteria to mold each incoming class. This has allowed them to achieve a nearly perfect gender balance for more than 20 years, despite the fact that there are twice as many qualified male applicants as female.
Assistant Director of Admissions Aye Yai Yai will be stepping into Stu’s shoes as the new Dean of Admissions, eager to put into practice everything she’s learned from her favorite book “How to be Antiracist” by Ibram Kendi.
In related news the Biden Administration has formed a task force to study the problem of scientifically verifying preferred identities. The goal is to establish a federal program to administer verified identity barcode tattoos to the forearm of all high school seniors. This task force will be overseen by Senator Elizabeth Warren, who has substantial lived experience in this area.