In a fit of ingratitude over college DEI administrators’ noble efforts to protect students from forbidden words, heretical ideas, and funny looks that might trigger hurt feelings, the American Council of Trustees and Alumni (ACTA), in conjunction with a rogue’s gallery of Alumni Free Speech Alliance (AFSA) members, has launched a grassroots campaign to problematize anonymous bias reporting systems.

By identifying and tracking microaggressors, gender-deniers, transphobes, pronoun misusers, climate skeptics, toxic heteropatriarchs, and white oppressors who refuse to acknowledge their privilege, bias reporting systems create a safe and inclusive environment in which the values of Belonging can be inculcated without interference. In addition, MIT’s large and growing Institute Discrimination and Harassment Response Office (IDHR) employs dozens of trained DEI bias investigators who would otherwise have to get jobs at Starbucks.

“Coaching students to file FERPA requests and complaints demanding to know what dirt we’ve collected about them defeats the social-conditioning purpose of anonymous denunciations,” explained Heinrietta Hermler, MIT’s Deputy Verratermittler. “We intend to ignore this feeble attempt to arouse student concerns about their privacy, due process, and enforced groupthink, and will simply distract them by hosting another alpaca petting zoo day.

Photoshop by the Rambling Raccoon