In yet another editorial broadside fired at the systemically racist, patriarchal, heteronormative, colonialist oppressors who dominate the scientific community, the prestigious journal Nature denounced the horrifying fact that professorships at American universities are not uniformly distributed to graduates from every college. Denying access to coveted academic positions to less capable, less accomplished, and less well-trained scholars from third-rate schools violates the fundamental tenets of diversity, equity, and inclusion to which all modern universities are pledged.

Zelus Canicula, program manager of the new Composition identity data initiative at MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism, agrees. “The only equitable way to break the stranglehold America’s top universities have on supplying faculty is to distribute assistant professorships by lottery. Established DEI-informed promotion and tenure decisions will ensure equitable representation from there.”

The Beaver reached out to the publishers of Nature to see if they would accept papers for publication by lottery, but they did not get back to us by press time.