For the last time during my problematic tenure as president of the world’s leading STEM university it is my pleasure to welcome another class of eager young freshpersons ready to embark on a journey of education, socialization, and indoctrination. You worked hard to get here, and you’ll work harder still to master the complexities of the science and engineering courses that lie ahead.

But that is not all. You will also learn how to get by in a world transformed by the Great Awokening in which your immutable identities will determine whether you are oppressed or oppressor, intersectionally advantaged or disadvantaged, encouraged or reproved, taught to be proud or harangued to repent.

Most of you will keep your heads down, learn to mouth approved platitudes, choose your preferred pronouns, and make proper obeisance to the many DEI commissars you will encounter during your mandatory groupthink trainings.

A small but vocal minority among you will readily embrace the new world order. Congratulations, you are the Elect! We will empower you to grow into your mission as Social Justice Warriors determined to Make a Better World. It is in you that we invest our hopes and dreams of the utopia that surely awaits once we shed the systemic wickedness embedded in our shameful history.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.