Mea culpa, mea culpa, me maxima culpa. Forgive me, Saint Greta, for I have fossil fueled.

Ever since MIT surrendered its mission to train scientists and engineers in favor of preparing elite social justice warriors for a life of advocacy, it became necessary to imbue every activity with the catechism of net-zero righteousness. This means that even summer students flying abroad to preach sustainability need to calculate the carbon footprint of their jaunts.

What’s the best way to assuage their resulting guilt? Why, buying carbon indulgences, of course!

Never mind what goes on behind the curtain when these virtuous commodities are bought and sold. As is true for the vast array of social, racial, gender, and environmental justice programs that now form the core of MIT’s curriculum, all will be judged based on their stated intentions, not their actual results.

Even so, MIT’s Sloan School points out the wisdom of consulting with their anointed experts if you hope to burnish your ESG credentials purchasing carbon indulgences. The last thing you want is to expose yourself to climate denying heretics accusing you of greenwashing.

So relax, and feel good about yourself. Carbon indulgences’ sustainable virtue lets you enjoy the benefits of fossil fuels without sacrificing your ability to lecture others about the evils of consuming the devil’s brew.