A clandestine unauthorized project in MIT’s celebrated Space Enabled Research Group developing hibernation technologies for future interstellar space flights suddenly went off the rails when a cryogenic tank of carbonite sprung a leak, spraying Professor Danielle Wood’s entire all-female research team.

“We’re still trying to determine what happened,” reported first responders, who arrived on the scene to find a half dozen totally lifelike frozen figures spread out on the lawn behind the MIT Media Lab slowly thawing in the sun.

“What unauthorized research project? What leak?” replied a harried Professor Wood. “Uh, have you checked the local Cambridge wet market?”

The MIT Daily News quickly rushed out a cover story claiming the figures were 3D printed replicas of real female scientists touring the country to encourage young girls to pursue careers in STEM.

“We can’t actually tell you what a woman is without risking being anonymously reported to MIT’s Bias Response Team,” explained MIT’s strictly off the record spokesperson (they/them). “But we’re always ready to highlight how a diverse, more inclusive workforce will strengthen the world’s shared future.”

Celebrations of the gender-that-cannot-be-defined will continue until MIT is fully feminized, which means eliminating all incorrect female career choices until equity and justice is achieved.