Move over STASI wanabees. Hats off to you, J. Edgar Hoover. All hail Maxient, MIT’s chosen outsourced conduct management service, the digital way to build a better world by building a better student.

Are you now, or have you ever been, noncompliant?

It all starts with behavior monitoring based on anonymous reports filed by fellow classmates. These get curated into a secure national database that will never be breached or used for nefarious purposes.

Did you use the wrong pronoun to address a preferred identity? Have you ever allowed your male gaze to fall upon the bosom of a perpetually offended feminist? Were you overheard in a midnight bull session expressing opinions contrary to established DEI policy? Did you utter the n-word in your sleep? You’ll never know what we have on you, and that’s the whole point. Step out of line and it will all come rushing back, confirming a “pattern of behavior” in dire need of adjudication, modification, and potential defenestration.

Please review our online reporting form, which feeds directly into Maxient’s national repository now hoovering down over 7,000 reports a day from over 1,300 client institutions. Then when your hapless target least suspects it, watch MIT’s highly trained Bias Response Team field agents rip into action!