The University of Virginia’s student-led guide service was a fixture on campus, giving historical and admissions tours for half a century until it got suspended for daring to expose the loathsome history of this disgraceful slave-holding institution. The University Guide Service (UGS) has now returned as an independent, unsanctioned advocacy operation.

“Learning to loathe the founder of the oppressive university you attend is a critical rite of passage for budding student activists,” explained UGS president Sui Odium. “It’s the first step toward hating everything from your country to your own body to Western Civilization itself. Until you shed your false consciousness you can never be free.”

Disgruntled alumni upset by reports of UGS depredations have been advised to seek psychological intervention to help rid them of the systemic racism that underlies all Southern values.

UGS has worked hard to collaborate with organizations like the History of Enslaved African American Laborers (HEAAL), the UVA LGBTQ Center, and the BIPOC Alumni-Student Mentoring Program to better center the struggle of oppressed identities in their historical presentations.

“Learning to carry the shame of long dead white men whose statues we are determined to tear down is more important than studying any positive contributions they allegedly made to society,” concluded Ms. Odium. “Our job is more important than ever now that Hitler has taken over the country.”