Responding to the sacrilege of allowing a debate on campus that dared challenge DEI orthodoxy, MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles and Provost Cynthia Barnhart designated the month of May as a time to honor, support, and genuflect to the hundreds of deans, assistant deans, associate deans, directors, managers, coordinators, bias investigators, educators, PR agents, and support staff whose tireless efforts have turned the world’s leading STEM institution into a woke reeducation camp.

“We cannot allow anyone to doubt that MIT is irredeemably steeped in systemic racism, homophobia, misogyny, transphobia, Islamophobia, Asian hate, bias against indigenous people, microaggressions, misuse of pronouns, and failure to pee in the correct bathroom,” lectured Chancellor Nobles at a pep rally of DEI administrators that overflowed Kresge Auditorium.

“The souls of America’s future scientists and engineers are raw clay in your hands. From the day students arrive they must be taught to embrace their designated identities, cementing their characters and life trajectories as either deserving victims or loathed oppressors. Building a better world begins with building a better nerd that is unquestioningly obedient to the critical theory precepts to which you front line DEI workers have dedicated your careers.”

Gloria in officiale.