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MIT’s Division of Student Life embodies the woke way of in-loco-parentis

Cotton candy, pink rabbits, balloons, and rubber duckies. Affirmation, validation, medication, and valorization. All of this and more awaits when you nestle into the bosom of MIT’s Division of Student Life.

Rising to the academic challenges of the world’s leading STEM university is stressful enough without having to step up to adulthood. Surrounding you with every imaginable support service, MIT runs a veritable Neverland on the Charles. Bask in four years of extended adolescence before having to face the cold, cruel world. (Unless you stay in academia, in which case you may never encounter reality.)

Wellbeing? Got you covered. Mental health? We’re here for you. Sexual problems? We cater to every fetish, predilection, and perversion. Identity confusion? With 27 genders to choose from, you’ve come to the right place. Our nurturing community of data-driven belonging will prepare you for the social activist path that’s right for you.

And to make sure you don’t slip up, you will never be alone. Our behavioral monitoring system puts a panopticon of eyes upon you, in class and out. Anonymous informants stand ready to report any deviation from accepted speech, thoughts, or behaviors that may require intervention. So relax! And get back to that problem set.


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