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Look, Ma, I’m a DEI expert! I have a certificate and everything

They laughed when I told them I was majoring in gender studies with a minor in indigenous justice. “Where are you going to get a job studying that crap?” they said. “Why don’t you learn something useful like accounting?”

Who’s laughing now? I’m earning six figures in a cushy job at a fancy college. And all those STEM nerds that used to snicker behind my back can’t graduate unless they sit in my required training class, recite my preferred pronouns, and listen to me tell them that they’re unconscious racists. And if they so much as look at me funny I can report them to the confidential harassment hotline and *poof* there goes their diploma.

My future is bright! Even if enrollment keeps dropping and this college goes out of business the DEI industry is forecast to reach $15 billion by 2026. Every company has to hire more people like me if they know what’s good for them. Plus, I get three calls a week from headhunters trying to recruit me to one of the thousands of consulting firms making a bundle running pop-up white male guilt seminars.

Is this a great country or what?

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