In an effort to manage the explosive growth of liberated feminists exploring the boundaries of sex-positivity, Associate Dean Greta Kenney, head of Student Support and Advocacy Services at Cornell University, announced that she has hired a dozen additional psychological counselors to help drug-addled sorority girls concerned about their reputations.

Dr. Simone de Boudoir, Director of the Michel Foucault Mental Health Center at Cornell, stressed the importance of teaching young women to never take responsibility for the consequences of their own choices. “No one should pass judgment on you just because you snorted a line of ketamine off the tumescent pride of a plastered fraternity boy to help put you in the right mood for a series of threesomes,” she stressed. “As long as you remain your authentic self while practicing female empowerment, you can count on us for victim support and justification if cruel sorority sisters make you feel bad about your wretched behavior later.”

Cornell’s Title IX & Sexual Misconduct Office also added a new mandatory training course for all freshmen designed to educate them about the evils of slut-shaming. The course will be held during Cornell’s Sex Week program. Students who complete the program will be awarded their choice of a ball-gag, a strap-on, or mint flavored lube.

“Any student caught slut-shaming will be subject to an intensive investigation followed by suspension or expulsion if the media gets wind of it,” warned Cornell’s General Counsel, taking time off from managing the 25 attorneys in his office busy writing checks settling lawsuits filed by ambulance-chasing shysters.

President Michael I. Kotlikoff reminded concerned parents and alumni that “defending Cornell’s reputation as an elite Ivy League university is critical to maintaining the value of our overpriced diplomas.”