Everyone except white supremacists agree that reparations payments for slavery and colonization should be granted to systemically oppressed BIPOCs. But how large should annual checks be, who should receive them, and who should pay for the sins of wicked dead people?

Thanks to a $50M grant from the Pritzker Foundation, MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Sciences has developed a cloud-based, intersectional-aware AI that digitally harvests identity characteristics for every American, including DNA records to verify ancestry and photographs to estimate melanin levels. It then scientifically fabricates a fair and equitable reparations redistribution matrix guaranteed to deliver universal social justice.

Whether you’re a semi-indigenous Latinx quadroon or a purebred WASP whose ancestors came over on the Mayflower, each April 15 the system will mail you either a reparations check or an income tax surcharge as determined by your individual Oppressor/Oppressed Inheritance Index (OOII). Because the redistribution matrix is constrained to be zero-sum, the program requires no budget authorization, hence it can be enacted by executive order without requiring contentious votes in Congress.