In the gravest threat to date to the growth of the multibillion-dollar Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion industry, the Supreme Court has ruled against race-based college admissions. Fears that this could lead to layoffs of highly trained diversity officers who would otherwise have to work at Starbucks triggered a frantic search for a reliable proxy that could be used for race that would pass constitutional muster.

In his infinite wisdom, President Joe Biden resurrected the previously ridiculed and abandoned Adversity Score Standard, repackaged to take advantage of a loophole that the Supreme Court left open large enough to pass a Mack truck. Without missing a beat, MIT’s fully wokeified Sloan School announced a new program to train Adversity Score Consultants.

Ray Rayguns, Associate Dean for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion at Sloan explained his strategic thinking. “The racial gaming of admissions is a longstanding underground practice that needs to be brought into the light, valorized, and imbued with scientific rigor. Who better than MIT to codify these many dissembling techniques then charge $80,000 a year to confer impressive credentials on legions of Adversity Score Consultants who can go forth and sustain the growth of the DEI industry. Do I deserve a raise, or what?”