In a breakthrough social scientific study conducted in conjunction with Chinese communists, celebrated MIT professor Jackson Lu discovered that wearing a mask has “behavioral consequences beyond its health benefits.” His scientific hypothesis that “masks are a moral symbol that reduces wearers’ deviant behavior by heightening their moral awareness” was statistically proven to “account for 4 percent of the variance in deviant behavior.” Not only that but experimental subjects randomly assigned to wear masks were less likely to cheat for money.

Stop the presses! This is social science at its best. Imagine the impact on society of mandatory lifetime mask policies, even while you’re sleeping. It could be the greatest boon to morality since moms began washing kids mouths out with soap.

Of course, like all social science studies, the most important finding was that “future research is needed.” Back up the grant truck and let the good times roll! Who says the wokeness pandemic is causing MIT to lose its innovative edge?

Story idea suggested by the MIT News Office.