Empowered MIT administrators, recognizing the evolving culture at what was once the world’s leading STEM institution, proudly announced a new Apparatchik of the Year award to honor the finest among its legions of obedient minions. This award is explicitly “not intended to recognize research or teaching accomplishments” but instead will recognize slavish devotion to programs designed to end to an oppressive meritocracy that shamefully paid no attention to gender, ethnic, racial, religious, or sexual identities while inequitably rewarding demonstrated capabilities and achievements.

The cash award of $2,000 less payroll taxes will be accompanied by an engraved plaque depicting the MIT Beaver getting crushed by a steamroller driven by a flying unicorn.

“We have a dream that one day every member of the MIT community will be judged not by the obsolete concept of individual merit but by their intersectional identity,” proclaimed the new Associate Dean of Conformance Celebration. “This award will recognize those working to bring that dream closer to reality.”

Story submitted by The Heckler.