With no job skills beyond the ability to spot the tiniest microaggressions, declare heretical thoughts misinformation, and categorize criticism of woke thought leaders as hate speech, laid off Twitter content moderators who can’t get new jobs at Starbucks have flocked to MIT’s in-house thought police, the Institute Discrimination & Harassment Response Office. 

“Our oppression studies training at Oberlin cannot be allowed to go to waste,” sniffed Tiffany Tattlemouse, MIT’s new assistant associate manager of anonymous accusation curation. With MIT’s new Composition data collection policy opening up vast new categories of oppressed identities in need of tracking and affirmation, including an exponential increase in newly discovered genders and their associated pronouns, an IDHR investigator’s work is never done.

“MIT is proud to offer a safe space for these Musky refugees,” remarked MIT’s former president L. Rafael Reif as he danced his way out the door. “My work is done here.”

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