As college campuses up the river and across the nation descend into a spiral of increasingly violent antisemitism, members of MIT’s vast and distributed DEI complex have been called together to brainstorm how they can deny blame, deflect criticism, and protect their sinecures.

“Othering white and white-adjacent oppressors while preaching intersectional allyship are fundamental components of DEI training,” explained Rasheeda Fawaz, second-assistant associate interim dean of social justice. “How can you criticize students for putting our teachings into practice from the river to the sea?”

“Our biggest concern right now is that big donors, outraged alumni, and those few MIT Corporation trustees who are not toadies and cowards might start taking a closer look at our DEI programs and their impact on campus culture,” continued MIT’s Iron Chancellor.

Doubling down on her efforts to square the circle of free speech and DEI indoctrination, MIT’s embattled president Sally Kornbluth called on her ICEO leadership team to cook up a new narrative to justify their existence. Observers gathered to mourn as the ongoing process of rebranding DEI with the shiny new “Belonging” theme crashed and burned atop MIT’s Hillel House like a malfunctioning Islamic Jihad missile.

In other news, MIT’s Bias Response Team decided to remain on extended leave rather than deal with the tsunami of bias incident reports that crashed their Maxient system.