Welcome MIT freshpersons of all genders and identities! You were selected from the pool of just-good-enough applicants by the Ibram Kendi fangirls and feminist cabal that controls admissions, dedicated to holistically balancing your class. As you begin your journey through what was once the most rigorous STEM university in the world, let me give you some advice.

BELONGING is our mantra, and obedience is your ticket to success. Our large and growing staff of DEI professionals will teach you what you can and cannot say, which is the first step toward understanding what you can and cannot think.

Disregard the Freedom of Expression Statement certain faculty members naively believed might get enacted into policy. Note that the updated Mind and Hand Book completely ignores it, focussing on the feelings of the offended. Instead, study the Belonging, Achievement, and Composition plan, which was designed to mold your character and prepare you for a life of social activism.

Never lose track of your designated identity and classification as either a privileged oppressor or entitled victim. Stick to your own kind for solidarity and psychological safety. And remember that diverse teams perform best. Exempting, of course, our ideological assurance cadres such as our all-female leadership team, the admissions office, the HR department, and our vast DEI complex, whose heteropatriarchically cleansed compositions are central to their missions.

So long Mens et Manus. Hello Tace et Obedire.