At a recent Stanford faculty senate meeting Associated Students of Stanford University (ASSU) vice-president Divya Ganesan addressed the myriad woes of the most privileged students in the world.

“In the midst of an increasing mental health crisis, there is greater demand than there is supply of counseling and psychological services,” she explained as she petted her emotional support capuchin.

To make matters worse, “We have started to experience a critical thinking crisis.” Everyone agrees that something must be done to normalize the growing cheating culture fueled by Artificial Intelligence (AI) and the associated fears that some people might start taking the honor code seriously.

And the mother of all crises, the anti-DEI blitzkrieg coming out of Washington, threatens to disrupt important programs like Stanford DiversityWorks, the segregated affinity centers for Equity, Community and Leadership, the globalist Bechtel International Center, essential ICE-evading undocumented student services, the equity maximizing Center for Teaching and Learning, and the Mellon Mays suddenly illegal Undergraduate Fellowship Program.

With all of this turmoil there’s just not enough time left to demand social justice for BIPOC LGBTQ students, drive genocidal settler-colonialists out of Palestine, stop Big Oil, silence COVID policy critics, and pursue agape love.  What’s the point of paying $100,000 a year for an elite education if all these core activities get marginalized?

The only way to alleviate these crises and restore feelings of belonging, community, and wellbeing is to declare a moratorium on all classes, homework, exams, assigned reading, labs, and writing assignments. This will set students free to make the most of their college experience.