The normally docile nerd decorum at MIT’s Slobdell dining hall was shattered yesterday when the Trans Activist Alliance (TAA) accidentally scheduled a welcome back to school luncheon at the same time as the Gay Activist Alliance (GAA).

“Why can’t you let effeminate boys grow up to be perfectly normal homosexual men?” sputtered GAA president Chad Pueramator, his feelings hurt after being accused of transphobia. “Chopping off adorable young penises is so … icky!”

“Are you denying my lived experience?” growled TAA president Connie Conciderunt. “You’ll be sorry, you science denier, when I report you to the Institute Discrimination & Harassment Response Office (IDHR).”

The situation degenerated into chaos when an assistant deputy dean from the Institute Community & Equity Office (ICEO) appealed for calm and was hit with a cream pie by an aggrieved lesbian from the Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women, and Sexuality (GCWS) who was having an anxiety attack after being berated for refusing to date womxn with penises.

“I’m so confused,” remarked a visiting alumnus who hadn’t realized that the world’s leading STEM university had been transformed into an insane asylum run by the inmates.