As chancellor Melissa Nobles has stated repeatedly, science is plagued by systemic racism. MIT is the poster child, with a legacy of shame that lame duck president L. Rafael Reif’s apology and abasement campaign continually stresses.

(Pay no attention to MIT’s A+ rating for diversity and ranking as the 13th most diverse college in all of America as this does not support the narrative.)

With rumors that Nobles has been passed over in her quest to become MIT’s first black female president – proof of the racist patriarchy, nevermind her total lack of science or engineering credentials – the only answer is to double the size of the administrative staff. Henceforth, every MIT professor will be assigned a full-time DEI commissar tasked with monitoring all lectures and research programs. Transgressions will trigger mandatory retraining via public struggle sessions that will be held every Friday in Killian Court.

All students and staff members are encouraged to participate in this Noble effort by using MIT’s anonymous reporting hotline to denounce apostates and refuseniks. Forward!

Photoshop credit: Jawad Baig. Story suggested by the Court Jester