MIT’s Indigenous Working Group finally issued its report now that Chancellor Melissa Nobles and Institute Community Equity Officer (ICEO) John Dozier completed their consultations with the Great Spirit.

“Honestly, we haven’t the foggiest idea what Indigenous issues are. I hope no one notices that our report didn’t list a single one. But if we spread a bit of money around, appoint more senior bureaucrats, and hire additional staff everyone can keep busy spouting virtuous bromides, justifying our bloated budgets.”

“MIT is therefore pleased to announce the hiring of a vice president of Indigenous Affairs, who will report directly to MIT’s new president. A Council of Indigenous Elders will also be rounded up because that sounds so authentically native. Finally, we will pony up $50,000 of walking around money to quiet down the activists who badgered Reif into launching yet another one of these diversity and inclusion exercises.”

“Yes, we failed to revise our severely criticized land acknowledgement statement. But we did agree to replace the colonialist Great Sail sculpture with a genuine tee pee. This will not only remind us that our campus is built on stolen land but will serve as a meeting place where our newly appointed tribal liaison officers can pow-wow with representatives from local tribes who keep telling us they want to replace MIT with a casino.