A ferocious attack of words was unleashed at MIT this week terrifying vulnerable students, causing the DEI administration to go to Defcon 1. Emergency supplies of smelling salts and fainting couches were distributed across campus.
Words appeared not only on flyers but chalked onto sidewalks! These words allegedly expressed a wide range of views in provocative terms, triggering an avalanche of reports to MIT’s Bias Response Team, whose officers and auxiliary troops began room to room searches seeking to apprehend the perpetrators.
MIT’s President Sally Kornbluth appealed for calm, expressing solidarity with the victims. She reminded survivors that since past president L. Rafael Reif turned MIT into a mental hospital and daycare center, over 1,000 administrative personnel are standing by to render aid. See: LBGTQ+ Services, the office of DoingWell, Student Mental Health and Counseling Services, Student Support Services, MyLife Services, GradSupport, the Graduate Assistance Information Network, the Office of Religious, Spiritual, and Ethical Life, and of course one of the countless Deans on Call.
“This is what happens when you encourage DEI refuseniks by issuing a Free Expression Statement,” fumed MIT’s Iron Chancellor, recently put in charge of implementing MIT’s new free speech policy. “We must make sure that an attack of words never happens at MIT again!”