MIT’s undergraduate student population has hardly grown in half a century, roughly eleven or twelve hundred students in each entering class. But education is only one of MIT’s missions. Judging by the headcount and budget numbers, a more important focus is providing full employment for administrators. The latest addition? A new Undergraduate Advising Center.

“Today’s students are so much less resilient, more fragile, and lacking in critical cultural capital compared to prior generations,” explained the inaugural director of this sinecure for holistic developmental experts. “A third of our students don’t know whether they are boys or girls, a third have PTSD from climate doomism, and the remaining cis white males spend their lives walking on eggshells trying to avoid cancellation. How can you expect them to do things like choose a major or develop life goals without the support of full-time, trained professionals?”

That’s why despite quadrupling MIT’s mental health services and adding affirmation staff for every conceivable oppressed identity, past president L. Rafael Reif and current chancellor Melissa Nobles hatched a Task Force to justify hiring more staff. The new center is estimated to cost $2 million dollars a year, a drop in the bucket compared to the DEI Leviathan.

Story suggested by MIT News