How do you rescue the mental health of a generation divided into victims and oppressors based on immutable identities, convinced they live at the mercy of systemic forces beyond their control?

You hire an army of mental health professionals! Behold MIT’s Student Wellbeing Industrial Complex. The Health Promotion Working Group and a phalanx of trained and uniformed Well Being Ambassadors, supported by over 60 MedLinks personnel and MIT’s Food Security Action Team, are on call 24 hours a day.

Need an Adderall fix? Run out of lube and condoms to get safely buggered? Having a breakdown after being misgendered? Suffering from imposter syndrome? Craving a ham sandwich? Convinced the world is out to get you because of the color of your skin? Nobody likes you because you’re a neurotic loon?

WE CAN FIX THAT! Just put yourself in our expert hands.

It’s not your father’s Tech is Hell anymore, where students got by with nothing but their personal grit and IHTFP T-shirts to shield them from “harm.” No one can be expected to make it through college today without hundreds of highly paid professionals holding their hands.

In unrelated news, MIT’s annual cost of attendance increased to $82,730.