In a bold move signaling defiance of the Supreme Court’s ruling ending affirmative action, MIT’s president Sally Kornbluth launched a search for a newly created position of Vice President of Equity and Inclusion.

“The long march through the institutions didn’t come this far to give up capturing the greatest STEM university in the world just because six unelected judges claim we’ve been breaking the law. Hence, we are rebranding the problematic catch-phrase Diversity in favor of Composition while dedicating ourselves to Belonging, which together redistributes a fair share of Achievement to all.”

Staffing the search committee will be the Senior Administrative Assistant for Music and Theater Arts, a certified yoga instructor, the Section Head of the History department, who studies slavery and abolition, an undergraduate track and field star, a graduate student who secretly aspires to be a professional cosplayer, a sustainability post-doc who serves as DEI chair concerned about the inclusion and support of misaligned groups at MIT, the Assistant Dean for Human Resources and Administration, who serves as a deputy Title IX officer focused on gender discrimination, Sally’s Chief of Staff, a long time MIT apparatchik and holdover from the Reif administration, and one token scientist who nonetheless accepts the unchallengeable assumption that STEM is systemically racist.

The bulk of the engineering faculty were busy hiding under their desks and were unavailable for comment. Perhaps they will anonymously mail in their thoughts to the committee’s feedback address vp-ei@mit.edu.