After six months of sturm und drang during which MIT’s enlightened administration hoped the backlash from its ham-fisted cancellation of Dorian Abbot would go away, faculty free speech advocates brave enough to come out of hiding finally got their colleagues to vote for the acceptance of a Free Speech Statement.

This was met by MIT’s News Office with a celebration of the showing of “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” as well as accolades for the hundreds of minions who pushed forward MIT’s rebranded DEI program. Exhausted faculty retired to their bunkers bracing for a rash of femtoaggression denunciations by students zombified by the School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism.

MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles scoffed at the news. “The racist, colonialist, oppressors on MIT’s faculty called for free speech? So what! Let me know when they succeed in turning the world’s most prestigious scientific journal into their personal public relations bitch like I did. The thundering herd of MIT DEI officers we’ve implanted in every department will make sure their uppity Free Speech Statement gathers dust in a file cabinet buried in the basement of Building 10.”