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MIT physicists discover the world’s first femtoaggression

Shattering the quantum limit of detection, a team of MIT physicists have discovered the world’s first recorded femtoaggression. The team used a repurposed Dark Matter Time Projection Chamber with enhanced WIMP sensitivity in the sub-basement of NW21 to nab the elusive but hurtful act.

“Let us be crystal clear,” warned MIT’s new Associate Dean of Hurt Feelings, who lame-duck President Reif hired the moment he heard the news. “Femtoaggressions are violence and have no place on the MIT campus.” Fortunately, the Dean’s team of expert consultants flown in from Oberlin are confident that most MIT undergraduates can acquire sensitivity to femtoaggressions without having to rely on multimillion-dollar detectors as long as a large enough mandatory training program is put in place.

If you feel that you have been subjected to or witnessed or heard about a femtoaggression on campus, please anonymously report it a billion times to the Institute Microaggression Thoughtcrime Response (IMTR) hotline.

Story submitted by Harry Potter.


  1. The Ranting Rat

    This article is incomplete. There is no discussion of the nature of femtoaggressions.

    It has long been established that picoaggressions include any word beginning with the letter N. Thus we no longer use the word nine, instead using IX (pronounced “icks”)

    After long research I have determined that femtoaggressions consist of any word including the letter N. Thus the former numbers ten and seven have been demoted to subnumbers and the terms X (“ecks”) and VII (“vie”) are to be used in their place. In any other word containing the letter n, it shall be replaced by *.

    This has made certai* aspects of daily life a bit more confuse*g; the Great Dome is *ow located o* Buildi*g X. But there are some u*a*ticipated be*efits as well. Algebraic equatio*s such as X = X + 1, which formerly was co*sidered to be *o*se*se now is easily solved, thus ope*i*g up whole *ew bra*ches of mathematics dedicated to showing that there are *o right a*swers i* mathematics.

    Our brightest mi*ds are *ow i* hot pursuit of the *ext breakthrough: attoaggressio*s. It is u*clear at this time what these might consist of, but likely ca*didates i*clude thi*ki*g wro*g thoughts or simply bei*g a straight white male. The Aricibo radio telescope is bei*g repurposed to see if wro*g thi*ki*g can be detected via RF emission*s (ie “bad vibes”) and a report-a-male hotli*e has bee* established. Stay tu*ed for further a**ou*ceme*ts.

    Your humble serva*t
    Ranti*g Rat

    • Robert G Res*ick

      Too ma*y femtoaggressio*s i* your a*swer from the first se*ta*ce to the last li*e. Because of your requireme*ts for replyi*g, I must do a femtoaggressio* with my email. I will do two hours of pe*ite*ce si*ce o*ly o*e hour would result i* a*other femtoaggressio*.

  2. let us all be clear THAT I HAVE A POOR VOCABULARY

    “Let us be clear”, “Let me be clear”, “I want to be clear”, “let us all be clear”, “how can I make this more clear”, “the people should be clear”, “I will try to be clear”, “here we should be clear”, “it’s important to be clear”, “clearly no”, “clearly yes”, “clearly the science says”, “clearly they are wrong”, “it should all be clear”, “why isn’t this clear”, “it’s obviously clear”, clearly, clearly, clearly OMG…………….

    My head just exploded.


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