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Burgeoning Panism movement hacks DEI divisiveness

Invoking the trump card of transcendent fluidity, MIT engineers began dissolving the Gordian noose of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion using the universal solvent of Panism.

“Statistical underrepresentation disappears as soon as enough people check every identity box,” explained sophomore Robert Heather Wakanda Chapa “Sneetch” McRodriguez, founding president of MIT’s Student Panism Association. “No one can divide us into oppressed and oppressor classes if we practice solidarity and all claim to identify with everybody.” He/she/they were last seen in Building 10 handing out BIPOCLGBTQIA+ declaration pledge cards.

The Beaver reached out for comment to the Dean of Identity Certification and the Dean of Sanctioned Segregation, but both were busy planning the next cis-white-male auto-da-fé.


  1. G. Cooney

    All pun and parody aside, this is a salutary idea. With everyone checking off every oppressed minority designation, the number of pronouns in the lexicon would have to be reduced to just one. Think of the benefits. Misgendering all those people with skirts and the 3-day beards would be a thing of the past.

    The challenge, of course, would be determining what that pronoun should be. Perhaps something simple and pronounceable, like whoevrthfukur. But, in order not to be labeled phobic by some group or other the pronoun might have to include all 26 letters of the alphabet, which could be challenging.

    In any event, you guys are on to something big.

  2. Bob



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