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Beanies return as solidarity symbols as masks disappear from campus

Nothing warms a Woke college administrator’s heart more than watching herds of students meekly comply with their mandates. As masks fall out of fashion, MIT’s Deputy Dean of Community decreed that henceforth all undergraduates must wear beanies whenever they leave their dorm rooms.

“The Covid Crisis taught us that contemporary college students have had every ounce of rebellion snuffed out of them,” crowed the winner of MIT’s new Apparatchik of the Year award. Her recommendation that all students be mandated to wear a school beanie emblazoned with their preferred pronoun and identity group affiliation topped twenty-seven other entries in the HR Department’s contest to find a solidarity symbol to replace their beloved masks. “What could better epitomize compulsory inclusion than an infantilizing dress code to go with our vague speech code?”

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