Fearing they might fall behind their righteous colleagues in the School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism, bureaucrats at MIT’s School of Science are offering cash rewards for ideas that can help accelerate MIT’s cultural transformation. What better way to make the world’s leading STEM university more like Oberlin?

This new Science Quality of Life (SQoL) program could look to the administration’s thriving Employee Resource Group (ERG) for inspiration. Experts there advise that the best way to avoid microaggressions that could overload MIT’s cry rooms and Title IX investigators is to keep people clustered in identity groups with their own kind. And yet, how can the administration’s new data-driven “composition” directives be met if every team on every project in every department doesn’t have a representative percentage of every recognized identity group involved? Especially privileged identities that make the most noise about being oppressed. It’s a real conundrum.

Hence, $3,000 grants are available to applicants who can devise novel ways to square the circle of unifying diversity. Applicants are advised to write to the Assistant Dean for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) at kdutt@mit.edu. Tell her/hers the Beaver sent you.