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MIT President appoints new Dean of Safe Spaces and Cry Rooms

MIT President Rafael Reif today reacted with customary panic and appeasement to two anonymous reports of Free Speech Event Trauma submitted via the Institute Microaggression Thoughtcrime Response (IMTR) hotline. “I’m pleased to appoint former Oberlin intersectional protest coordinator Arbee Lachrymosian as the new Dean of Safe Spaces and Cry Rooms,” he announced as he passed out scented tissues.

Despite repeatedly lowering academic standards to reduce student stress and enable deeper inclusiveness of the less capable, social scientists ensconced in the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences determined that today’s heartsick, anguished, and enraged students have the lowest level of resilience to unwelcome ideas since Galileo was brought up on charges. “We must cater to their every grievance, fear, and psychological weakness,” Dr. Reif advised. “This will better prepare our fragile graduates for a life of victimhood in the dysfunctional workplaces they will soon be entering.”

Story submitted by Thalia. Photoshop credit: Jawad Baig

5 Comments

  1. micah

    Okay brothers, you guys aren’t going to get any traction with these posts. I love what you are trying to do, but none of these posts are funny. There is no real punch line. “Galileo brought up on charges”, is a total dud for 99% of the population who can’t remember Galileo from their third grade text. I think you should just solicit from the public, or find a comic to help you because the punch lines in all of these are horrible. If we were at a comic club, I’d ask my money back, or get super drunk because …..yeah…not good

    Reply
    • A440

      I disagree; have loved every post I’ve read so far. Of course they’re preaching to the choir with me. The kind of people who don’t know who Galileo was (an increasing percentage, sadly, but still a minority I hope) are not ever going to read the site anyway.

      Reply
  2. Martin

    actually I thought this was pretty good notwithstanding the ‘insider’ references

    Reply
  3. Known Issue

    Micah, these posts are funny. The last lines were the punchline. “This will better prepare our fragile graduates for a life of victimhood in the dysfunctional workplaces they will soon be entering.” Comedy gold, right out of George Carlin’s (RIP) tradition of sarcasm.

    Reply
  4. WTP

    What micah said. I’d be willing to help but MIT told me 40 years ago I wasn’t smart enough to go there. I did however drink my coffee from an MIT mug for many, many years (it was black, thus not much need to wash it) until about a half dozen years ago y’all got so stupid with woke I didn’t even want to remotely be associated with y’all. I liked the mug though. Did I mention it was black? I fixed the problem with a strip of duct tape over the logo. Who’s the resourceful engineer now, eh?

    Reply

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