“I’m shocked, shocked that years of teaching about intersectionality and decolonization could lead college students to rally to the support of baby-killing terrorists.”

“Who would have thought that valorizing ‘mostly peaceful’ protests comprised of arson and looting could derange the moral judgement of our students?”

“Ideas have consequences? Who knew?”

“Don’t kid yourself, virtue signaling works. How do you think I became department head?”

“What, you expected me to speak out years ago when the Woke Mind Virus first started infecting my campus? I didn’t have tenure yet.”

“OK, so I had tenure. But speaking out could have cost me a coveted parking spot.”

“Who has time to argue with woke faculty members preaching nonsense? It’s just a fad that will surely blow over.”

“If I so much as question the irrational, ahistorical, amoral idiocy that has taken over my field I’ll lose any chance to have my papers published in prestigious journals.”

“Yeah, it was a shame when that Twitter mob ran my colleague out of town. But surely you didn’t expect me to speak out publicly on his behalf? I sent him a private note wishing him the best.”

“I was too busy doing my important scientific research to bother worrying about the collapse of the ideological foundations of Western Civilization.”

<Insert your excuse here>