When a mob of MIT students from Palestine@MIT, the Black Students Union, and MIT Divest gathered on the steps of the student center to rally in support of Hamas terrorists, calling for the death of Jews and the elimination of Israel by any means necessary, MIT’s vaunted Bias Response Team knew exactly what to do.

Ever ready to launch an investigation in response to anonymous reports of misgendering or improper pronoun use, the entire staff took a temporary leave of absence, programming their email autoreply to advise Jewish students afraid for their lives to seek psychological counseling.

MIT’s president Sally Kornbluth, who recently discovered a newfound passion for free speech protections, asked her legal team to study whether advocating for pogroms was protected by the First Amendment. “We ask students calling for the death of their classmates’ families to do so in their kindest indoor voices,” she advised in a video. Remember, the most important value at MIT is Belonging. We are all in this together, whether you want to live in peace or behead babies to advance the cause of decolonization.”