The milk-and-cookies nanny department of MIT’s MindHandHeart program recently completed its annual Random Acts of Kindness (RAK) Week where students could enjoy being infantilized at an alpaca petting zoo while munching on free cakes and pies, passing out flowers, writing thank you cards to MIT’s 150 DEI administrators, and blowing air kisses to each other.

In response, the Babbling Beaver has announced the first annual Random Taunts of Derision (RTD) Week, to commence on April 1st. Students are urged to gather in Killian Court and hurl the most artful insults at each other, “your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” being among the favorites.

Scientific studies have shown that today’s college students melt into puddles of tears and file anonymous reports with the Bias Response Team whenever confronted with words that don’t affirm their self-images or cherished beliefs. A solid week of unconstrained taunting aimed at their most glaring weaknesses and vulnerabilities is the best way to toughen them up for the real world, which those who don’t remain in academia will one day have to enter.

So sharpen your tongues, thicken your hides and join the fun you crybully, lickspittle, nancy boy, snowflake, imposter syndrome, DEI-admit neurotics.