Elon Musk reacted with horror. He vowed to use his X platform to foment national insurrections across Europe as soon as he finishes destroying Wokeness, establishing a colony on Mars, and curing quadriplegia.

Big Science institutions living at taxpayers’ expense may have spent half a decade opposing Bhattacharya, but they sure know where their bread is buttered. They sent fawning administrators to smile and nod for their new paymaster.

Any alumnus who is not knocked off the ballot by the insider-appointed Alumni Association Ballot Screening Committee is free to run for the Alumni Association Selection Committee.

Melissa Nobles still has her cushy job as a DEI role model. Why is anybody’s guess since it looks like President Kornbluth has shifted most of her responsibilities elsewhere.

“A new, more inclusive vision of technology, including pro-worker AI, can only emerge if the basis of social power changes.”

Making a laughingstock of the postmodern minions that powered the long march through the institutions is the only way to drive them out.

The man who laid out the welcome mat for the wokeification of the world’s leading STEM university has returned to share his wisdom.

She cannot be stopped from speaking truth to power, even after you throw her in jail.

It’s important to expose each rising generation to the history of queer oppression, arming them with timeless narratives that can fuel lasting grievances.

So bye-bye CRT DEI. We’re not buying all your lying, you can kiss it goodbye.

Thank God a bunch of Nobel Prize winning economist at the world’s leading STEM university finally figured out how easy it is to cure poverty.

DEI dead-enders at the world’s leading STEM university are working overtime to expunge the heinous American tradition of Thanksgiving.

“It has been a most valuable experience for me … He quickly became a highly valued friend and regular source of intellectual exchange and stimulation.”

Four years studying at the Yale Marxism and Cultural Theory Working Group has done wonders recentering Chinese students on their proper cultural heritage.

Harvard has launched a summer fellowship program at the School for Moral Ambition where students can get practical indoctrination.

Reducing global warming is as straightforward as wearing a T-shirt and tossing it in the wash! Biodegradable plastic made from fish offal! Film at 11!

More than a billion people don’t even buy a single pair of shoes each year while rich people hog the rest.

After years of cancelling anyone who dared question the Woke Agenda, zealots who made their careers dishing it out are now coping with the backlash.

This unintentional Sokal hoax about the latest new way of knowing was supported by a grant from the National Science Foundation (NSF).

The highest of all holy days on the ORSEL calendar is the Transgender Day of Remembrance, which will be commemorated on November 19th.

The world’s leading STEM university and leading advocate of climate hysteria and recipient of climate science grants has ratcheted its pivot.

Once upon a time MIT had a clear and simple telos. It was to train the finest engineers and scientists in the land.

Recognizing the transformative role feminization is playing in the Sciences, the Royal Swedish Academy awarded its first Nobel Prize in Home Economics.

“As the leading STEM university in the world facing a projected $200M annual budget shortall, our plan is to get back to basics.”

“I’m traumatized and may never recover from this onslaught of hate speech,” an offended Social Studies major sobbed as she popped another Xanax.

Do you spend sleepless nights horrified by the threat textile waste presents to sustainability? Then try Refashion™ modular configurable garments.

For half a century MIT’s Office of Minority Education (OME) has held the hand of students admitted under criteria that are now illegal.

All nations must surrender their economies, trade policies, wealth, and sovereignty to a global Climate Coalition. If they don’t, humanity will be doomed!

When the Donald was a little baby boy. Sittin’ on his pappy’s knee. The Art of the Deal came a callin’ his name. “Donny’s gonna be a deal drivin’ man.

The AAUP set up a bail bond fund to support members that end up in jail when they leave campus to practice what they preach.

MIT’s past president L. Rafael Reif unloads blistering criticism on Trump’s proposed “Compact for Academic Excellence.”

“Our AI has eliminated scarcity, abolished gender norms, and made it possible for Zohran Mamdani to give New Yorkers everything they deserve.”

Equality in admissions? Civil discourse on campus? No more violence, intimidation, or heckler’s vetoes? Institutional neutrality? This cannot stand!

Prospective employers in the real world considering hiring Harvard graduates might be interested to know that absolutely nothing will ever change.

May this lamp illuminate the struggle to secure global justice and equity for the two billion people still cooking over charcoal, crop waste, and dung fires.

SHASS + STEM Collaborations Workshops play a crucial role helping innumerate humanities professors colonize the hard sciences and engineering.

Yo, Wokie! Want some free money to scratch your social justice warrior itch? Apply now, MIT has plenty of moolah to spare thanks to generous alum donations

I lied my pants off to help sell Obamacare to stupid voters. But this time I’m telling you the truth. If you don’t fork over more money, people will die!

Our worst nightmares have come true. We were sure the Green New Deal was in the bag. Now most of us have our resumes on the street.

Continuing the work of French philosophers Foucault, Derrida, Camus, and Sartre, who gave us Postmodernism, Queer Theory, Critical Theory, and Nihilism.

The time has come for the rest of us to exercise our Freedom of Association. Choose your colleagues and employees wisely.

MIT student fashion magazine “Infinite” hosted a feminist “Performative Male” contest to make fun of men trying to get laid.

The Boston Globe called it a “corporate takeover of MIT.” Faculty railed it would “skew the biology department in directions faculty did not wish to take.”

I’m so glad that MIT can still afford to fund so many social programs, especially with indirect overhead payments getting slashed.

Synthetic data algorithmically extracts truthiness in a way that “captures all the underlying rules and infinite patterns that exist in real data.”

Students will critically examine what it means to steal—from whom, for whom, and why—through site visits and fieldwork at grocery stores and banks.

Barbie houses, petting zoos, coloring books, and therapy dogs have apparently not done enough to remake the culture of the world’s leading STEM university.

Are you dismayed that so many US companies have gone quiet about their environmental efforts and equity work?

The University of Waterloo’s Indigenous Studies Department introduced a new course on Mohawk, Iroquois, Cree, and Kwakiutl practices of ritual cannibalism.

MIT’s Global Sentiment Project predicts that by the year 2100 global warming will cause people’s emotional well-being to decline by 2.3 percent!

In what may soon trigger a desperate pivot, researchers at MIT confirmed that 95% of companies spending billions on AI are getting nothing in return.

“These so-called ‘reforms’ would devastate our ability to conduct research critical to supporting our budgets.”

What will it take to make American universities great again? Self-reform or pressure from taxpayers that have been feeding the beast $150 billion a year?

One of the toughest challenges a satirist can face is trying to ridicule instances of unintended self-mockery that leave little room to pile on.

Why did we believe that encouraging politicians to pour hundreds of billions of dollars into scientific research wasn’t going to have corrosive effects?

MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism (SHASS) is capitalizing on the wave of mental illness triggered by global warming hysteria.

MIT’s woke admissions office initially signed up for the program. But what ho? Someone higher up pulled the plug.

With apologies to Rogers, Hammerstein, the cast of South Pacific, and special thanks to Lalal.ai for the actual voice of President Kornbluth.

“The gender stereotype of women being ‘nurturing’ must be stamped out, just as we have eliminated most aspects of masculinity.”

The Future of Life Institute (FLI) posits itself as a watchdog protecting the human race from dangerous technologies.

“Science cannot account for the histories of violence, loss, and trauma that drove grizzlies extinct in California.” This injustice must be corrected.

The course will be offered under the auspices of MIT’s Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women and Sexuality (GWCS).

The mean orange man tossed yet another stink bomb into the woke hornets’ nest. His latest Executive Order dares to Make Insane Asylums Great Again (MIAGA).

“Even though my privilege allowed me to run wild monetizing my father’s influence, Ivy League universities need more professors with lived experience like mine.”

Surely, this is fake news. Nah. There are transcripts and videos.

Hamas supporters and transgender drag queens alike turned out to thank Reif for all he did for their causes.

With hearty Aarghs! to Byron, Shelley, Keats, it’s time to sling some verse til woke retreats.

“I originally enrolled as a chemical engineering major. I realized I didn‘t like STEM all that much, except for thinking about the chemistry of food.”

Alas, flipping the off switch on Grok so engineers can purge and reprogram it is a lot easier than flipping the off switch on Harvard.

LGBTQ is winnin’ … In our world their ain’t no sinnin’… Love is love, no matter how bizarre.

The potential impact of Artificial Intelligence on human intelligence is the pressing question of our Digital Age.

Come learn about the Eurocentric, colonial, white supremacist, heteropatriarchal structures of modern sport at the world’s leading STEM university.

“All we have to do is put up a web page that spins the proper illusion. No need to identify who is behind this “independent” organization.”

Attribution Science blends opaque computer modeling and cherry-picked data mining with sophisticated storytelling to spin compelling narratives of doom.

Faculty, deans, and grad students in every department will be required to pass the final exams for freshman calculus, physics, chemistry, and biology.

Let’s round up a posse of true believers, fellow travelers, and useful idiots to denounce, defame, and harass a fellow professor!

Keeping the flame of identitarian grievance culture alive has become the prime directive of MIT’s Sloan School.

Back in vogue are testimonials to MIT’s historic role in the US military-industrial complex and unabashed promotion of American exceptionalism.

Backed by a compelling narrative and a carefully tuned computer model developed by a credentialed professor, anything can be shown to be not impossible.

“Who would have guessed this simple little psyop would devour the Ivy League and induce America’s oldest political party to commit electoral suicide.”

Thirty-one chaplains, Mr. Beaver? At a STEM school? Surely you jest!

Putting its massive mounds of money and stellar reputation where its voluminous mouth is, Harvard has finally stopped fighting with the Trump Administration.

Thanks to a new simulation method developed by researchers at MIT, we finally have a model for MIT’s all-women leadership team.

It is Settled Social Scientism that an organization cannot achieve true success without diversity.

As blind faith in the oracular predictions of computer models became widespread, this exploding constituency cried out for spiritual representation.

To date, $900,000 has been granted to 21 awardees, all women. Will this systemically misandrist practice change?

It could take a decade before the remnants of a profession predicted to become a $15.4 Billion global business by 2026 are flushed down the memory hole.

STEM students, like STEM faculty, don’t have time for politics. The curriculum is too rigorous, and the research work is all-consuming.

A new generation of canapé-eating, jet-setting global elites is rising, eager to pursue every woke cause known to man.

How can dutiful subjects be morally conditioned to obey such overreaching and ridiculous government mandates with neither complaint nor mockery?

Kudos to Cornellians for standing up for the values they hold most dear. DEI Über Alles. Some things are more important than obeying the law.

“The DEI regime that brought the mean orange man down on us cannot be allowed to threaten the flow of taxpayer dollars that keeps our university alive.”

On Monday, May 19th the US Department of Justice empowered an army of merciless bounty hunters to descend on university DEI departments.

Senators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren offered their sincere congratulations to Harvard’s crack legal team for coming up with this foolproof strategy.

“These cuts could cost as much as we are spending on our DEI programs every year!” cried MIT President Sally Kornbluth.

“A million dollars worth of damage? Who cares about property owned by Zionist collaborators?”

This page has all the rights words on it. Merit! Excellence! Discipline! Free Speech! It even has pictures of straight white males.

We look forward to your presence and participation in making this special affinity group graduation for oppressed identities an uplifting experience

“There are different pathways people can follow after a microaggression,” says MIT’s expert in Imposter Syndrome and the psychology of the social self.

Wow. Harvard pays the cronies that manage its loot a billion and a half dollars a year!

“Now that Chat-GPT has surpassed the intelligence of most college graduates, it makes sense to use it to diversify our workforce.”

President ‘Art of the Deal’ escalated his attacks on Ivy League universities with a novel executive order.

When Stanford queer AI hackers loaded ChatGPT 4.5 with the MIT-IBM wokeification add-on into a Tesla Optimus robot it was soon bursting with Pride.

Open your heart to a parade of unsubstantiated accusations while conflated storylines cast a powerful spell on your suppressed ability to reason.

It’s comforting to know that our best and brightest are working on what the world needs most in order to achieve machine intelligence – automated nannies.

Will MIT still be able to discriminate against men in admissions and faculty hiring in its virtue quest to achieve gender parity?

Nothing screams virtue like rushing to defend the nation’s worst free-speech offender so it can continue stomping on the values you hold dear.

We hope this plea for support will help save my job and those of other appeasers who lack the cojones to stand up to the woke mob.

Interpreting this move as a challenge worthy of multiple meme dumps, the Trump administration issued a new Executive Order titled “Malleus Muskeficarium.”

Picketing and vandalizing the homes of top university leaders sure worked great last time.

The major lesson from the global Covid catastrophe was that “the government should have had a better plan for communicating information to the public.”

In a scandal to top all Ivy League scandals, a privileged cis white-adjacent male dared imply that 49 Brown University DEI bureaucrats hold bullsh*t jobs.

What is the odds-on favorite to be the Next Big Thing? Ethically Sourced Spare Human Bodies!

“Equity requires privileged groups, primarily white in the US context, to make “democratic sacrifices” to improve the lives of marginalized communities.”

The curriculum of the new École de Global Activism & Democratic Socialism (EGADS) will be centered on teaching the intractable evils of Western Civilization.

In the time-honored traditional of American protest songs, sing along with Woody Guthrie as he laments the woke takeover and urges us to fight back.

After extensive review, we have decided to replace the Composition policies of MIT’s Strategic Action Plan with a series of identity-blind Merit policies.

Harnessing your company purpose goals to the most fashionable trends requires taking advice from the right MBA consultants.

DEI officers prepare to fight back using the same activist methods their students deployed supporting BLM, trans social justice, and Palestinian liberation

What is the best way to render Experts™ more credible in an era of increased scrutiny, collapsing public trust, budgetary belt tightening?

In a shocking development designed to destroy America’s elite institutions of higher learning federal inquisitors are demanding an end to discrimination.

The Beaver applauds all efforts to dismantle the cancel culture climate of fear we suffered under. So enjoy your downward dog and boba tea. Ladies.

Sex Week had become a rite of spring on many college campuses. Sadly, these how-to celebrations now struggle under a cloud of repression.

When Vannevar Bush published “Science, the Endless Frontier” shortly before the atom bomb closed the Second World War, he launched the era of Big Science.

“We came so close to cementing a seat at the head table of technocratic elites destined to rule the post nation-state world,” lamented President Kornbluth.

With the value of a college diploma collapsing faster than the price of taxi medallions and no marketable skills, prospects look dim.

Few of the myriad activist programs at MIT can come close to advancing the revolution as tirelessly as GCWS.

“We are here to prove that the women of Barnard are just as deranged as the men of Columbia,” shouted a purple-haired transperson foaming at the mouth.

The Beaver applauds all efforts to stamp out the excesses inflicted on his alma mater by the woke mind virus. Let the healing begin.

Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) University of Virginia chapter hosted a swank affair this past Sunday to celebrate the courageous Hamas victory.

With apologies to Don McLean, come join Freddie Mercury in a rousing chorus of Bye, Bye, Toxic DEI Pie.

“Defending the sinecures of the bloated and irrelevant cabal of humanities professors at MIT is the biggest challenge we face.”

Many of these former civil servants will soon be facing criminal charges. Something must be done to put them beyond the reach of the Justice Department.

MIT is determined to immerse its fragile students in the amniotic fluid of total nurturing and support.

Refracting the Black Reproductive asks “how might a transnational feminist politics represent the multiple demands on the Black womb?”

MIT’s ever-growing DEI Leviathan: This distributed, opaque, and largely unaccountable system has become a virtual USAID of social justice activism money.

America’s fascist dictators are determined to destroy American R1 research universities so Chinese scientists can take over the world

Hey, accidents happen. No one is to blame! All that gain-of-function research was done with the best of intentions.

It comes as no surprise that the slate of AASC candidates was cleansed of outspoken supporters of free speech, viewpoint diversity, and academic freedom.

Perpetrators revealed that they flushed concrete down the toilets in Columbia’s School of International and Public Affairs.

We have started to experience a critical thinking crisis. There is greater demand than there is supply of counseling and psychological services. Help!

Building a case is as easy as rounding up a posse of sympathetic accomplices and filing vague complaints about “harassment” and “bro culture.”

MIT’s leaders gathered at a tense offsite at the Four Seasons. Their desperate mission? To determine what they should focus on as the next “next big thing.”

Anyone with a sophisticated education from an elite university knows that language is more powerful than reality.

If you are a Cornell graduate that is considering voting for dissident trustees, please do not request a ballot from electalumtrustee@cornell.edu.

The long march through the institutions has been turned into a route, retreating under a blizzard of presidential executive orders.

“The English and History Departments at Yale have an unbroken track record queering everything they come into contact with.”

Don’t you want to pay $5,000 for a certification that will make you a pariah at companies frantically dumping their DEI programs?

Few American institutions of higher learning offer a more welcoming sanctuary for enlightened activists seeking social justice than Columbia University.

If we don’t suck eleven billion tons of CO2 out of the atmosphere each year to make up for human activity, we are all going to die.

Clearing so much stolen land taken from indigenous people will finally make it possible to build a permanent sanctuary for long-suffering Palestinians.

A few short years ago defeating the woke mind virus and driving a stake through the heart of DEI seemed like an Impossible Dream.

With DEI programs collapsing nationwide Cornell University’s new program helps gender studies majors prepare for meaningful careers after graduation.

Nothing is more important than facilitating rule by Experts™. Because they always know what’s best for “the public.”

“Learning to loathe the founder of the oppressive university you attend is a critical rite of passage for budding student activists.”

Taking up the new vibe, the Babbling Beaver is tacking his pirate ship ready to wage wider rhetorical battles.

It’s time to recognize the top ten individuals and organizations at MIT who fed the Babbling Beaver the most mock-worthy material.

With a protectionist heading for the White House, the time may be ripe for this message to be heard.

The reformed DEI stands for Determination, Excellence, and Initiative, virtues we are finally able to promote thanks to the global vibe shift.

The Babbling Beaver offers you this Cracked Christmas Carol. Lyrics by the Beaver. Music by Pixabay. Vocals by Homer Simpson. Image by Grok.

Unveiling of the new sculpture was met with chants of “The end is near!” and “Repent, repent!” by wailing students rending their garments and gnashing their teeth.

Whenever a new technology comes along it is a moral imperative that it must provide equal benefits to everyone all at once.

MIT’s Affective Brain Lab has developed a web plug-in to help the psychologically challenged stop driving themselves into spirals of despair.

Fanning the flames of outrage over systemic racism is the best way to preserve high-paying jobs that would otherwise be threatened by the DEI backlash.

Proper mental health of fragile college students can only be maintained through constant affirmation and coddling, dispensed by highly paid administrators.

Will the coming onslaught actually put a dent in the large and growing DEI bureaucracy at the world’s leading STEM university?

MIT’s School of Engineering Fellowship Program apparently never got the memo that DEI statements have been banned for faculty hiring and promotion.

Gone are the days when innumerate science “journalists” who majored in English or Gender Studies were taken seriously by the reading public.

MIT scientists sheepishly admit that DAC is a fool’s errand. But there’s money to be made hawking them. So, who’s the fool in this story?

What’s important is that federal grant money keeps flowing to esteemed STEM institutions like MIT so the administration can rake off 59% in overhead.

Let us come together to give thanks for being born into a better world, at a better time, and in a better place than any that has ever come before.

Imagine the tragedies that would ensue if gender confused MIT students were encouraged to discover that they were just normal, healthy gay people.

Students can learn how Marxist, psychoanalytic, and anarchist frameworks can inform debates in bioethics, public health, and environmental justice.

You might not be able to attend this virtual grieving webinar, but a fan of the Beaver forwarded a copy of the presentation that you can review on your own.

Come discover how art-forward, interactive, communal experiences can help you find your own climate critter representing your personal climate persona.

We need to take a lesson from the past when Jefferson Davis and the Democratic Party fiercely defended states’ rights, defying a Republican administration.

Can we please stop pretending that Stand Together Against Hate is anything more than a performative virtue signaling exercise.

Grab the popcorn, it’s showtime. Can Big Science hang on to its federal climate dollars as Big Hatchet is poised to whack the federal budget?

Learn how to embrace your victimhood so you can channel all your imposter syndrome anxiety, rage, and existential angst into action.

We’ve won the free speech battle. Now it’s time to drive a stake through the heart of DEI, the superspreader of the Woke Mind Virus.

Many flyover state deplorables believe that drastic measures may be needed to restore voters’ faith in our election systems.

 “Our work illustrates the importance of anthropology in responding to the unpredictable and diverse impacts of climate change.”

Cultural appropriation of quasi-religious traditions can no longer be countenanced now that white students are a recognized minority at MIT.

“We believe this vaccine will be ready to achieve FDA emergency authorization just in time to save Democracy from the wrong election results.”

“I knew there would be trouble as soon as Tim signed up for intersectional DEI training,” sobbed Tim’s alter ego, the obese and infantilized Wide Tim.

Only two organizations have blocked the Beaver on social media. SHASS and CAA. Birds of a feather block together.

After years of self-censorship and woke cancellation, MIT’s browbeaten professoriate found the courage to launch the MIT Council on Academic Freedom.

“Maybe you can use this as inspiration for a new hilarious piece about the irony of trying to change academia while also being a part of it.”

Enjoy a lovely selection of word salads as you immerse yourself in heartwarming stories of shared aspirations, greater collaboration, and kumbaya creativity.

Laying out the welcome mat for this invasion is Dean of Engineering Anantha Chandrakasan, who has never seen a woke initiative he didn’t like.

Who says cancel culture is dead? Let the auto-da-fé begin!

“Math, just like drag, can be a joyful dance that delights in applying rules while elegantly pushing boundaries.”

All the grit, community, and empowerment in the world will only serve up frustration if you set your heart on STEM but you can’t master the moves.

“We see no better way to represent the interests of MIT’s underpaid graduate students than investing their mandatory union dues in this noble cause.”

Never let a crisis go to waste is the key to overcoming obstacles blocking social revolution.

Sing along as browbeat MIT STEM professors react to the latest onslaught by the School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism.

Promulgating powerful narratives while suppressing contrary views is a key component of Building a Better World™.

Want to gain a functional understanding for how the Woke Mind Virus bubbles up to infect the world’s leading STEM university?

In discussing their scientific methods to make sure they were only promoting indisputable truths “we hired a professional fact-checker.

Compliance is more important than ever now that merit is threatening to return to MIT’s admissions and hiring processes.

Anti-Israeli students who disrupted a guest lecture got dealt a big surprise after consuming their stolen pizzas.

Messaging strategies loom large in this effort. Citizens must understand that our government is second to none.

To protect our most vulnerable citizens, climate justice advocates at MIT are demanding the establishment of a federal energy rationing program.

Don’t let sacred BIPOC employees whose grandparents were discriminated against have to deal with criticism from any quarter for any reason.

Your spiritual guide will be madness expert Dr. Briana Martino, offering a master class in the politico-therapeutics of mad organizing.

All students, faculty members, and staff who stand on the right side of history are invited to don their keffiyehs and denounce the Great Satan, America.

In order to eliminate hurt feelings every student will be issued a set of hearing protection earmuffs.

Dr. Atalay is deeply concerned that “archaeologists had disregarded Native understanding of the rock as an animate being.”

If you’re an up-and-coming social scientist, is there a better way to put AI to work than painting a picture of all the calamities it might unleash?

They may have the law on their side but righteous comrades will see to it that social justice prevails, by any means necessary.

Roll out the fainting couches and let the pearl clutching begin! Like Glen Close leaping out of the bathtub, merit-based admissions has reared its ugly head.

The radical feminization of MIT didn’t happen overnight. So relax, and let Wide Tim welcome you to Neverland on the Charles!

Modern astrology has offered people, and continues to offer people, an interpretive framework for understanding identity, self, and relationships to others.

How can social engineers Build a Better World™ if they can’t force society to adopt their remedies?

“We do not want to be outdone by the University of Florida, whose post-tenure review program resulted in the departure of 39 professors.”

Please support our Change.org campaign to insist that every member of our country’s geriatric leadership get fitted with one of these miraculous devices.

MIT is working to capture as many federal grant dollars as possible for as long as the climate crisis cornucopia keeps spitting out free money.

“You know how easy it is to fool science reporters as long as the bull story you feed them resonates with the dominant narrative.”

Dire consequences will surely ensue if AIs can’t have their ethical sensitivities molded by CNN, the New York Times, and the Washington Post.

A distressed transgender and/or gender-expansive graduate student afraid of privacy violations felt compelled to publish a 1500-word open letter in The Tech.

Dean of Admissions Stu Schmill’s pledge to do everything in his power to thwart the spirit of the SCOTUS affirmative action decision has failed.

The class action lawsuit was dismissed. We can now look forward to more exciting pro-Hamas disruptions when students return to campus in the fall.

The majority of our stories are based on real woke absurdities and acts of intersectional madness being inflicted on our beloved alma mater.

Lyrics by the Burbling Beiber, music and vocals courtesy of Suno’s generative AI, with prompt engineering by the Beaver. (Apologies to Neil Sedaka.)

Picking a word salad that best meets your needs requires a visit to the Climate Justice Instructional Toolkit, brimming with popular grievance studies.

Without the support of anxious crazy women, Democrats would disappear from electoral office. The FDA must declare a moratorium on this research at once!

The chair of MIT’s All-Gender Restrooms Working Group denounced the tech bro’s at Cleana for their brazen insensitivity. 

Net-zero transition will require $267 trillion dollars. Time is running out. Voluntary commitments aren’t working. Punishments are in order.

Why shouldn’t young people turn to AI Lovebots to fulfill their emotional needs? It sure beats looking for love by chopping off body parts.

A broader view of misinformation reveals potential for intervention. Harmful content that is misleading without being literally false must be stopped.

Desire-based research explores the painful aspects of social realities alongside the wisdom, hope, complexity, and self-determination of lived experiences.

The therapy dogs at MIT’s Wellbeing Lab are a necessary complement to the alpacas at the Random Acts of Kindness petting zoo.

Want to make people recycle more plastic whether or not it makes economic or environmental sense?

“It’s time to add a strong dose of The Science to the art of gaslighting,” explained the Experts™.

We must starve out the beast and cut off its funding. Stop the millions that DEI minions are dumping.

Thanks to these brave women and their gay, trans, and nonbinary allies, Queer Theory has captured nearly all of our educational institutions.

Come celebrate SHASS coming out as the clown show of Cambridge by signing up for its special summer training program.

“De-growth” is now the most fashionable slogan among global elites, and MIT Sloan School professors don’t want to miss that ticket to Davos.

Experts™ calculated that greenhouse gas emissions contributed by fertilizers applied to grass playing fields could cause earth’s oceans to boil by 2100.

Using the power of storytelling, amplified by multimedia technology, essential truths can be communicated that need not be burdened by inconvenient facts.

“We were so disappointed when MIT reinstated the math SAT requirement for undergraduate admissions.”

Are the benefits of MIT’s vast DEI Leviathan worth the costs? There’s only one way to find out. A third-party independent audit.

Course 21, as it is known on campus, is generally considered a washout degree, reserved for MIT undergrads who made a tragic mistake.

The Journal of Blasphemous Truths is dedicated to publishing articles by cancelled scientists who can’t get their work published elsewhere.

In keeping with this year’s meltdown triggered by weeks of pro-Hamas demonstrations, a special-edition version of the 2024 class ring is now available.

A quarter of MIT’s faculty fear Deans and administrators whose disapproval can not only create social problems but can jeopardize research grant funding.

“Stay out of our bedrooms!” was once the rallying cry. Today, pervert activists have taken their bedrooms into the public square.

The laundry list of righteous causes and organizations our jet-setting urban studies and planning major has involved herself in leaves mere mortals agog.

Give an Aargh! hearty mates that will rattle their balls and shake up the twats who pollute our proud halls.

As the tide starts turning on DEI, what is a socially ambitious student supposed to do when asked to declare a preferred identity?

It is an article of faith among climate experts at MIT’s Sloan Business School that capitalism is the evil source of both economic growth and pollution.

It’s vitally important that everyone in your workplace know what you do in the privacy of your bedroom, and with whom.

Why doesn’t anyone read highlights from the Quran at Islamophobia training sessions and ask why it’s wicked to fear people who worship violence?

Ms. Sally said, “Kids, you’re gonna drive me to drinkin’ if you don’t stop doin’ that Hamas thinkin’.

Intersectional solidarity with freedom fighters opposing white settler colonialism is clearly an MIT Graduate Student Union issue.

The MIT School that has produced a record number of Nobel Prize winners in economics is now being represented by a cheese expert.

Not since science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard invented Scientology have we seen such rapid emergence of a new religion among the elite.

Hey gals! Explore the true meaning of self-love without having to learn how to deal with messy things like relationships.

What would a car-free city look like? How about living in a 15-minute city? Trust us, collectivizing your life under Expert™ direction is going to be great!

MIT School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism (SHASS) replaced the engineer of the animal kingdom as its mascot with the leading feminist insect.

Merit lives, despite the fact that supporters have been largely hiding under their desks afraid to fight back.

Watching the prestige of America’s “elite” liberal arts universities evaporate faster than a Bud Light spilled on hot asphalt warms the cockles of the Beaver’s heart.

“Why do you think so many of us are lesbians? We need a real challenge, and you can’t do any better than the heroes of October 7th.”

Investigators at MIT’s embattled Institute Discrimination & Harassment Response (IDHR) Office must feel giddy with their reaffirmed powers!

Everywhere he goes, and everyone he meets, is another reminder of the systemic racism that keeps good men like him down.

MIT has chosen a mind-virus-infected antisemitic female social justice warrior as an outreach ambassador to prospective applicants.

The MIT Undergraduate Association got played by pro-Hamas zealots, digging the antisemitism hole deeper.

How can developers possibly hunt down all the toxic things an LLM can say so filters can be designed to block them? And who decides what qualifies as toxic?

Can MIT president Spineless Sally Kornbluth reform MIT’s ailing culture? Not without a clear mandate from MIT’s broken governance structure.

“We believe BIPFF will complement the great work that GCWS has pioneered in its popular Feminism Unbound and Erotic Methods series.”

MIT scientists make no attempt to fix core climate models. That would be both intrusive and blasphemous. Plus, they admit, it wouldn’t work.

“I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life for an opportunity to escape the heinous curse of being born with so much white privilege.”

Getting students to reject identitarian essentialism while understanding that no one has a monopoly on the right-side-of-history could turn into a miracle cure.

How dare one white man operate more than half the satellites orbiting earth today? Are satellites not the common patrimony of all humankind?

The new vaccine is based on compounds isolated from blood donated by Professor Jordan Peterson, which trigger long lasting antibodies to DEIdeology.

MIT’s Office of Experiential Learning is determined to turn students into social justice warriors, but not enough men are signing up.

How fortunate we are to live in a Democracy run by Experts™ using Election Science™ to assure the integrity of elections.

Only entrepreneurs possessing two X chromosomes are likely to succeed tackling the triple planetary crisis of climate change, waste pollution, and biodiversity loss.

Approximately 75 percent of all grazing areas need to reduce grazing intensity,” it concludes. No cheeseburgers for you! Further study required.

How dare outsiders call into question the policies of two successive presidents browbeat into Woke compliance!

Experts say informed consumer choice represents a threat to the new world order MIT is being paid to promote.

MIT’s new Vice President of Equity and Inclusion hailed the Furry movement as the next civil rights frontier.

A $20,000 fellowship with access to special mentoring and free attendance at the annual Leadership Summit? Cisheterosexuals need not apply.

In keeping with its commitment to privilege Other-Ways-of-Knowing™ MIT launched its new School of Astrology, Alchemy, and Witchcraft (SAAW).

The biggest threat to democracy is allowing deplorables to get information that could influence their votes directly from source documents instead of mainstream media sources.

Watch the “Hitler Reacts” sendup video featuring MIT President Sally Kornbluth and her hapless gang of overpaid DEI apparatchiks.

The pinnacle of Belonging will finally be achieved when MIT’s dorms, fraternities, classrooms, clubs, sports teams, and water fountains become segregated by identity.

If the Beaver was a humanities professor and not a satirist he’d write a case study about this intellectual tragedy.

Google’s AI designers were relieved that they could continue conditioning the public to accept new ways of knowing without fear of being laughed at.

With proper MIT training any news story can be turned into a sermon on climate change.

This is your world’s leading STEM university. This is your world’s leading STEM university on Tik-Tok.

“Hiring Karl signals our determination to continue the DEI ground campaign until we achieve unconditional surrender,” stressed Iron Chancellor Melissa Nobles.

Good men can often stop the spread of evil if enough of them just stand up and refuse to comply.

What politicians need is scientific justification to bribe voters into keeping them in office even as their livelihoods and communities are being destroyed.

According to MIT’s Climate Action Plan, the average person exhales 2.3 pounds of carbon dioxide every day. This must be stopped.

When DEI infects Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics (STEM) the consequences can be dire.

What exactly is Belonging, and why is it MIT’s cardinal value?

The objective is to confer a plausible veneer of respectability, if not genuine prestige, upon the Beaver and his relentless use of mockery.

How do you turn a passion for preserving the Kreyòl language of your youth into a woke war on the West?

As soon as social science is thoroughly queered it will be time to conquer real science!

MIT will continue throwing money at women in its quest to socially engineer “gender equity” in every field of science and engineering.

Shiver your timbers no more, the time has come to stand up like a man in open defiance of systemic DEI oppression. Be like Rosa Parks.

Has any of this actually reduced sexual misconduct on campus? It’s important to never know.

Feminist methodology values multiple forms of knowledge, such as truth found through emotions or art, which has often been left out of traditional research methods.

The Beaver will immortalize your achievement, cover you with pirate glory, and heap scorn and infamy upon your selected target.

“This is not your father’s science,” explained the director of the Indigenous Knowledge & Druid Divination Center (IKDDC).

Can MIT’s janitors do a better job creating a harmonious community of Inclusion and Belonging compared to MIT’s flailing DEI ideological complex?

“Where does this hate come from?” asked the befuddled Queen. “It is spread by oppressors to keep the oppressed in their place,” explained the Iron Chancellor.

What a great example Sophia offers demonstrating how to inculcate the cardinal value of Belonging in tomorrow’s leaders.

FairAdmissions@MIT is demanding that the world’s leading STEM university cease discriminating against men in undergraduate admissions.

“I am humbled at being professionally rewarded yet again based on the color of my skin and the configuration of my genitalia.”

Systemic Stupidity is extremely difficult to eliminate once entrenched. The best you can hope for is palliation.

Restorative Justice is a flexible new concept bringing the rule of law into the Gen Z Age, allowing empowered bureaucrats to make things up as they go along.

“We look forward to using the reactor to explore indigenous ways of knowing such as two-eyed seeing, ancestor spirit infusion, and indigiqueer dark matter.”

Wise leaders in Washington have proven that the best way to fix programs that aren’t working is to do more of them.

Some doggerel for our troubled times, calling on MIT’s chairman to defund DEI crimes.

Nothing is more important than assessing the identity of the accused and accuser, along with where they rank in the hierarchy of oppressed and oppressor.

Sing along to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”

“We have reached the final frontier of Social Justice. Our new campaign to defeat Europhallaphobia will begin hiring additional staff immediately.”

The MIT Media Lab has long been a hot bed of virtue signaling Rube Goldberg projects designed to attract donor dollars.

In order for MIT to remain the premier STEM institute in the world it is imperative that we apply objective, scientific scrutiny to our own policies.

Ongoing series profiling MIT professors who most clearly exemplify the devastation wrought by the Woke Mind Virus.

MIT’s Chancellor Melissa Nobles, best known for fanning the flames of racial divisiveness, has a new mission: Standing Together Against Hate (STAH).

In a recent podcast embattled MIT president Sally Kornbluth tried to put the best spin on the progressive destruction of the world’s greatest STEM institution.

Private firms and infrastructure providers cannot be relied on to curb the spread of disinformation and extremism.

Being eaten by grizzly bears or killed by rattlesnakes can play an important role in restoring the proper balance of nature.

MIT’s rapidly growing administration stays ever on the lookout for problems that enable bureaucratic solutions.

The October Seventh atrocities triggered a tectonic shift in the Overton Window.

MIT climate scientist Dr. Milan Klöwer has sparked a movement to solve one of the most vexing climate crisis problems.

“As campus disruptions continue, we are increasingly asking ourselves – Where did we go wrong?”

With apologies to King James.

Poor MIT. It only ranks twelfth among its peers raking in the dough from Arab despots. Running a world-class university in the Age of Woke requires a massive administrative bureaucracy, and that doesn’t come cheap.

Every word in this article comes from MIT News because even the Beaver can’t make up stories this outlandish and patronizing.

Faculty profiles shines the searing spotlight of sardonic satire on MIT professors who most clearly exemplify the devastation wrought by the Woke Mind Virus.

Silence is violence, so students who refuse to participate will be reported to MIT’s Bias Response Team microaggression investigators.

“You’d better behave yourselves or I might someday possibly think about maybe sort of suspending you!”

MIT’s DEI officers have been called together to brainstorm how they can deny blame, deflect criticism, and protect their sinecures.

Wresting control of STEM away from the white supremacist cisheteropatriarchy requires identity and ideology screens for peer reviewed science publications.

MIT refuses to recognize the MIT Alumni Free Speech Alliance (MFSA) because it is too controversial.

Every day more of our fellow citizens are waking up to the consequences that DEI programs like ours are having on an entire generation of young minds, and bodies.

A decolonial and interactive online education platform where youth can learn how to coexist with large carnivores.

Fifty years ago this month MIT became the first university in America to have its Affirmative Action Plan approved by the federal government.

We are all on this together, whether you want to live in peace or behead babies to advance the cause of decolonization.

No experience required! No knowledge necessary! No discernible skills involved! Act now before the world comes to an end.

Social Science proves that men are to blame for the failure of women to become inventors that file patents.

Join the growing legions of MIT activists fighting against stereotypical masculine values like objectivity and logic.

This year’s MIT Diversity Fellowship Awards don’t include a single fellow and are about as diverse as a Marxist sorority.

“Ideas have consequences? Who knew?

No one wants to know whether these programs actually advance their stated goals.

The dramatic decolonization demonstration launched this past weekend truly puts Indigenous Peoples Day in perspective.

First responders arrived on the scene to find a half dozen totally lifelike frozen figures spread out on the lawn behind the MIT Media Lab.

For the planet to live, Capitalism must end.

Have you ever been treated differently because of your sex? Has it ever been stated or implied that you were hired by MIT because of your sex or gender identity?

The Burbling Bieber returns to delight his fans with another effort to become the Tom Lehrer of MIT.

A cornucopia of cash awaits students, faculty, and staff ready to promote approved ideologies, identities, and indoctrination programs.

Alas, the business was not able to sustain itself by actually selling food after the grant and prize money ran out.

BELONGING is the mantra, and obedience is they key. MIT Experts prescribe solidarity and sacrifice for planetary wellbeing.

MIT’s administrative staff now outnumbers faculty by more than three to one, with total staff outnumbering faculty by over ten to one.

MIT’s President Sally Kornbluth has declared November to be Imposter Month. “Belonging is for everyone,” she proclaimed, “even those who haven’t a clue.”

Surprise your parents by coming home from college for Thanksgiving break as a whole new you.

The heteropatriarchy must be cleansed of the influence of dead white males whose philosophies created Western Civilization, the most oppressive culture in human history.

Behold: The new Woke TIM (xe/xem), available for download here so you can paste it onto your retorts, jibes, mockeries, and impotent expressions of outrage over what has befallen our beloved alma mater.

“What can we do to justify the existence of our growing staff of overpaid non-productive bureaucrats?” I know, let’s offer them a spa day!

The Babbling Beaver decided to give our future AI overlord a spin and asked it to compose today’s Beaver Dropping.

Disparate outcomes can only be due to systemic bias and discrimination. Demasculinization must continue until proportional representation is achieved.

Bias reporting system anonymous denunciations create a safe and inclusive environment in which the values of Belonging can be inculcated.

Staying prepared to butt into other people’s conversations and social interactions helps condition everyone to carefully monitor their behavior.

Our large and growing staff of DEI professionals will teach you what you can and cannot say, which is the first step toward understanding what you can and cannot think.

If you aspire to do social engineering on a global scale, garnering a lifetime of grants and subsidies from western governments, then MIT has a new major for you.

Why should the leading STEM university in the world be left out of the prestige garnering process of hiring disgraced leftists?

The new way to evaluate medical research journal articles is the Diversity Factor, a social justice metric based on authors’ gender, race, ethnicity, national origin, and socioeconomic background.

In keeping with the maxim that Mockery is the Best Policy, the Babbling Beaver is pleased to announce the Golden Beaver Award.

Without doublethink and newspeak the greatest STEM university in the world couldn’t play its rightful part in the New World Order.

Our diverse community reflects an expanding spectrum of identities, neurological divergences, and emergent psychopathologies.

Learn the best ways to remove content that threatens social order. Discover techniques to monitor websites and penalize offenders.

In its quest to keep affirmative action alive, MIT has promoted Stu Shill to a new position as the Dean of BIPOC Verification.

Give a listen and a laugh to the Burbling Beiber’s SHASS-ist Phony as you sing along with the procacious hate speech lyrics.

MIT’s president Sally Kornbluth launches a bold move to defy the Supreme Court’s ruling ending affirmative action.

Experts are redesigning your urban spaces, your life, your work, your diet, and your values, remaking you into the New NetZero Man.

In the wake of the SCOTUS ruling it’s time for MIT to double down on its rebranded DEI programs by a shift to an emphasis on Belonging.

Enjoy fossil fuels without sacrificing your ability to lecture others on their evils with carbon indulgences’ sustainable virtue.

The Babbling Beaver is pleased to announce the “Woke TIM” photoshop contest, your chance to show off your pirate chops as a techno-wizard of visual mockery.

The latest monster stalking the land is Artificial Intelligence. MIT Sloan School is calling for a Global AI Observatory (GAIO) modeled on the IPCC.

Do your restrooms give each and every person a “sense of belonging” while alleviating concerns regarding privacy, odor, and embarrassment?

The IE team is but one ministry in MIT’s Division of Student Life, an army of proselytizing administrators reporting to Wokengruppenführer Melissa Nobles.

With some prompt engineering you can work your way up the hierarchy of oppression to the peak of DEI desirability as a black handicapped lesbian transwoman.

Confidence in experts will be restored through “governance archeology” and “democratic trusteeship” with the means of production regulated by a Ministry of the Future.

Dismantling the cisheteropatriarchy and decolonizing science is absolutely required to regain the public’s trust after the Covid pandemic fiasco.

“How might urban planners incorporate reparative justice practices to heal the harms generated by white supremacy in our cities and across our patterns of life?”

The racial gaming of admissions is a longstanding underground practice that needs to be brought into the light, valorized, and imbued with scientific rigor.

WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for alumni, faculty, students, and friends of the world’s greatest STEM university to dissolve the ideological derangements that hold its community in thrall …

The Supreme Court may have killed affirmative action, but DEI is forever. Only cisheteropatriachal science deniers believe gender is binary.

MIT has hired Dylan Mulvaney to teach the freshly minted female identifying swimmers how to act like women whenever NCAA investigators come sniffing around.

“Today’s students are so much less resilient, more fragile, and lacking in critical cultural capital compared to prior generations.”

Do you have the Photoshop skills to aid our sacred mission of tormenting the woke minions who have taken over the world’s leading STEM university?

In the SHASS lamasery of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion, celebrations of merit cannot stand. Last month feminist hackers defaced the wall of honor.

Totally unbiased social-scientific answers for the most complex global technology policy questions can now be delivered at the push of a button.

Two plus two, is it true that the answer’s something new? Can anybody still do math? Is it five, is it three? It all depends on equity. We must erase this racist math.

Standardized testing must be de-emphasized. “Lived Experience” and “Indigenous Ways of Knowing” are the new scientific method.

Come to the 2023 MIT Chemistry Future Faculty Symposium and learn how to leverage your demonstrated contributions to enhancing DEI into a tenure track job.

Covering up the continuation of racialist policies that MIT never followed will be hard. But Belonging, Achievement, and Composition leaves no other choice.

This year’s top SOLVE Challenge honors go to Ophelia Chapeaus, the first headwear company dedicated to saving the planet.

“Retrieving pagan wisdom is a critical component of making peace with nature’s spirit world,” explained Professor of Baal Studies at MIT.

Give a listen and a chortle to his debut hit single “When I Was a Lass” (with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan).

Gaze upon the face of the diverse, equitable, and inclusive future of STEM education and wonder, what will virtuous MIT culture come up with next?

Social engineers at SOLVE are determined to get women to make life choices that are best for society, making every endeavor perfectly gender balanced.

Cotton candy, pink rabbits, balloons, and rubber duckies. Affirmation, validation, medication, and valorization. All of this and more awaits at MIT.

Volunteers are fanning out across the campus underground tunnel network in which these Proud Boy, QAnon, MAGA, white supremacists must be hiding.

Help wield the power that comes with combining secret police, judge, jury, and executioner into one.

The union insists that graduate students be referred to by their desired pronouns, as well as guaranteeing them access to gender-affirming restrooms.

Why pay $300,000 a year when you can get de rigueur guidance and a steady stream of noble sounding word salads for nothing?

Witnessing Comics for Social Justice will “explore issues of social justice such as racial and gender equity, climate change, and economic inequality.”

How’s that for using research dollars at the world’s leading STEM university to build a better world? Don’t miss the supplemental video.

In her inaugural address MIT’s new president Sally Kornbluth indicated that “at least 20% of MIT’s faculty work on questions related to climate change.”

The lure of a tender young kiss is too much for some men to resist. So Epstein and his pals used some hot little gals to lure scads of them into a tryst.

The breathtaking scope of social activism made possible by SOLVE is transforming the culture at the world’s leading STEM university.

Don’t let the friendly smiles fool you. Beneath them lurks the exalted power of social justice therapy dispensed with divine advocacy.

In a three-act tragicomedy challenging the Beaver’s ability to cast reality in a satirical light, MIT undergraduates cancelled their UA president.

A leaked report from MIT’s “Belonging, Achievement, and Composition” planning process portends years of full employment for hundreds of DEI professionals.

This Saturday MIT will inaugurate its newest president, marking the first time the world’s leading STEM university has been entirely led by women.

“Our irrefutable computer models prove that by the year 2100 98% of all published science articles will be about climate change.”

Our fondest hope is that Chancellor Melissa Nobles also finds herself a nice liberal arts college at which she can step up to the presidency.

A bizarre attempt by opponents of MIT’s Free Expression Statement to demonstrate harm caused by free speech was greeted with confused laughter and derision.

Civil rights legislation turned into a step ladder for white women, the disabled, LGBTQIA to shoehorn their way into Negro corrective actions.

Watch re-enactments of the ancient Greek women-only pig sacrifice festival of Thesmophoria complete with ejaculating synthetic female seminal fluid.

Are you of the body? The body is one. Blessed be the body. Community and Belonging are the foundational values of higher education.

“The souls of America’s future scientists and engineers are raw clay in your hands. Students must be taught to embrace their designated identities.”

Sally is an inspiration to the legions of neurotic women and transgender felons spawned by MIT’s burgeoning Gender Studies departments.

“Carbon is bad. Make it go away or you’re all going to die!” warned Ms. Harris, reading from cue cards in between nervous cackles.

Wokesplaining workplace behavior designed to dismantle the white cisheteropatriarchy has apparently become the primary mission of MIT’s Sloan School.

Need an Adderall fix? Run out of lube and condoms to get safely buggered? Having a breakdown after being misgendered? WE CAN FIX THAT!

Disparate impact analysis contends that if the racial composition of any field doesn’t match that of the general population, the cause must be systemic racism.

Sharpen your tongues, thicken your hides and join the fun you crybully, lickspittle, nancy boy, snowflake, imposter syndrome, DEI-admit neurotics.

And why should they? With the mandate of heaven behind them they are answerable to no one, their bully pulpits secure.

What is knowledge? What is data? What is reality? The answer is – whatever we say it is! Because everything is a social construct.

“Capitalism, colonialism, racism, patriarchy, and heteronormative culture create interlocking systems of oppression.” Behold STEM education at MIT.

MIT anthropologist invokes the primal consciousness of Matsutake mushrooms as channeled through Potawatomi indigenous ways of knowing.

Language models will be imprinted with biases dedicated to the creation of an ideal world. Experts assure us that this can be done by optimizing “fairness.”

Listen, my children, and you shall hear of the woke march through a school you hold dear. The Ivies had already taken a dive but at MIT hope was still alive.

I’m confused. Maybe you are too. Maybe we’ve been transported into a Bizarro World where words no longer mean what they once meant.

Come join the fun, feel better about yourself, and strike a pose for a better world. And don’t forget to take your meds.

Invoking intersectionality confers sacramental power upon congregants of the fast growing and influential Church of the Righteous Woke.

The ever-growing staff at MIT’s Sloan School DEI Office has mastered the Diversity game. “Increasing our team size is an essential part of our success.”

MIT’s Poetic Justice Group offers full employment for academics that can help MIT goose its BIPOC faculty numbers.

A ferocious attack of words was unleashed at MIT this week terrifying vulnerable students. Smelling salts and fainting couches were distributed.

At MIT, Critical Race Theory is so much more than a cozy sinecure for ranting humanities professors.

Social Security will bankrupt governments. Leave it to an MIT trained economist to solve the problem. Mass suicide of the elderly!

You’ll never guess who MIT’s new president Sally Kornbluth tasked with implementing MIT’s Free Speech Statement into actual policies.

Fawningly introduced by President Sally Kornbluth, Angela Davis wasted no time declaring capitalism the root of all evil.

Remaking a scientific culture shaped by the Enlightenment doesn’t happen overnight. It takes the faith and fervor of a Great Awokening.

What matters most are the narratives we tell ourselves about our accomplishments, thereby developing sufficient self-esteem to overcome imposter syndrome.

“Anti-racism is something we must recommit ourselves to every day, in every class, in every book, talk, meeting, and plan.”

Models developed by MIT economists prove that every advance in wellbeing generated by science and technology has increased income inequality.

When sanctifying Settled Science, properly managing the public narrative is more important than subjecting the science to rigorous analysis.

Do you have any idea how much money we rake in training Chinese students whose government pays their full tuition in return for them spying on classmates?

Employers have to hit certain DEI targets. Those that don’t are not welcome to recruit at MIT. And if you’re queer, we have special programs just for you.

Any subject from ecology to astronomy to medicine can improve its all-important DEI ranking by adding a dash of indigenization.

In disturbing news indicating more work needs to be done, there appear to be MIT faculty members and students who have not yet been bullied into silence.

How to turn any problem, controversy, or virtue signaling occasion into a growth opportunity for MIT’s burgeoning administrative bureaucracy.

Move over Super Mario Brothers! This game is sure to be a bestseller, brought to you by nerds who worship at the altar of woke consciousness.

This event applies Indigenous Ancestral Knowledge, virtual reality storytelling, and ecological architectural design to solve the global warming crisis.

Hundreds of highly paid experts participated in these weighty deliberations, a key building block of MIT’s new Belong, Achievement, and Composition strategic plan.

“Honestly, we haven’t the foggiest idea what Indigenous issues are. I hope no one notices that our report didn’t list a single one. But here’s $50,000.”

Our Fall GII Update outlines progress made to date, justifying the millions of dollars MIT spends on its enormous and rapidly growing administrative staff.

Rugged individualism, toxic masculinity, and aggressive competition are out. Communitarianism, safetyism, and lifelong nurturing are in.

We are instructed to believe that the world’s leading STEM institution is systemically racist. This necessitates hiring more highly paid administrators able to lead MIT along the path of righteousness.

“The racist, colonialist, oppressors on MIT’s faculty called for free speech? Their uppity Free Speech Statement will gather dust in a file cabinet.”

“Climate change and inequality are among the most important issues that humankind faces in the 21st century,” opines this fall’s Global Changes Report.

Sam Brinton and Sam Bankman-Fried will lecture on ethics, virtue, and social justice offered by MIT’s School of Arts, Humanities, and Socialist Scientism.

Starting next semester, all heterosexual white male students at MIT will be required to do the homework assignments of BIPOC LGBTQ students.

We three deans of DEI are. Social justice woke commissars. Dorm and classroom, watch us mind groom. Cross us? Say au revoir.

“Cops are creepy! We need social workers trained to respond to the mental health problems of diverse MIT students suffering from imposter syndrome.”

Ask your managers what additional resources they need. Then give them anything they want, especially more time to complete their assignments.

MIT Chancellor Melissa Nobles tasked the world’s leading STEM university to decolonize systemically racist science, incorporating indigenous ways of knowing.

Further taxpayer supported research using ever more complex mathematical models is clearly required to eliminate the horrors of systemic windmill racism.

How can social engineers working in partnership with government build a better world if you don’t believe a word they say? MIT’s GOV/LAB can help.

Everyone must do their part to eliminate toxic masculinity, making sure that college is a nurturing safe space where you can bring your whole self.

“In order to expunge the shame of our racist and colonialist past, I have asked Chancellor Melissa Nobles to help choose a more fitting moniker for MIT.”

“Who could resist the hypnotic allure of a Vera Bradley bag? Goodness gracious, I was tired and I made a terrible mistake. Five years in prison?

Communism has never really been tried because making it work requires technology that is only now becoming available.

An irreverent samizdat webzine appears to have been operating with impunity under the noses of MIT’s normally vigilant thought police.

Discrimination, bullying, harassment, injustice, racism, homophobia … lions and tigers and bears oh my! Who shall control the grievance process?

When it comes to recycling rubbish we implore them to find ways to repurpose MIT’s thundering herd of deans, assistant deans, and overpaid administrators.

What could be more entertaining than watching the rise and fall of an MIT whiz-kid who mastered the art of storytelling to build a better world?

In a harrowing tale of oppression, an MIT graduate student and union activist explains that the only way to end systemic racism in academia is to write him a check.

“Failure to hire a eunuch is a slap in the face of all those committed to gender justice,” screamed the assistant dean of heteronormative decolonization.

Now that we are cut off from their Twitter spew please do your part to draw the Beaver’s attention to new eruptions of woke madness by emailing us tips.

“MIT is proud to offer a safe space for these Musky refugees,” remarked MIT’s former president L. Rafael Reif as he danced his way out the door. “My work is done here.”

We at the Babbling Beaver, along with the Flickering Beacon at UMass Boston, welcome our comrades-in-barbs from Cornell’s Babbling Bear.

Masks are a moral symbol that reduces wearers’ deviant behavior. Imagine the impact on society of mandatory lifetime mask policies.

If you an aspiring high school nerd who dreams of attending MIT, consider adjusting your gender identity if you want to boost your odds of getting in.

Be like Ben. Even better than using other-people’s-money to Build a Better World is creating it out of thin air.

Global elites planning our future have partnered with the major tech companies to control the narrative because “We own the science.”

The breakthrough mastectophalloplasty procedure will remove then immediately replace all gender-unique body parts, entitling patients to full DEI benefits.

Once the acquisition closes, students will be able to fulfill their dreaded humanities requirements taking courses up-river at the Kremlin on the Charles.

Who wouldn’t delight in a peanut butter, banana, and cricket smoothie that delivers yummy virtue with every sip? Help us “mobilize the community.”

The MIT Office of Trans Celebration relies on a deep reservoir of scientific expertise and...

The only equitable way to break the stranglehold America’s top universities have on supplying faculty is to distribute assistant professorships by lottery.

Intersectional solidarity teaches that virtuous allies can do no wrong. Ayatollahs and mullahs cannot be criticized because … Just say no to Islamophobia.

Only thoughts and speech that “empowers the next generation of scientists to create a more just and equitable scientific community” should be permitted on campus.

The MIT Free Speech Alliance avoids criticizing woke DEI programs, loony-left SHASS faculty, and race-grifting senior administrators. The Beaver says Bah!

Little Caesar moaned. “My last parody got spiked because it came true the day before my piece was scheduled to run!”

Chancellor Melissa Nobles served up a word salad with happy dressing sans her usual condemnation of MIT and Western Science for being systemically racist.

Trouble is brewing as restive MIT facilities workers demand a living wage while a ballooning army of DEI deans feast on a cornucopia of dollars.

MIT’s Chancellor & Provost indicated that negotiations could take years. “If you uppity PI plantation lab slaves don’t like it be glad we don’t yank your student visas.”

Bureaucrats at MIT’s School of Science are offering cash rewards for ideas that can help accelerate MIT’s cultural transformation to become more like Oberlin.

“You’ll be sorry, you science denier, when I report you to the Institute Discrimination & Harassment Response Office (IDHR).”

Gender is a social construct and only dangerous reactionaries believe it has anything to do with biological sex.

We can’t wait to see every member of our community reduced to an n-dimensional vector in intersectionality space, assuring just and equitable outcomes.

Making it as difficult as possible for friends, family, guests, alumni, and colleagues to get onto campus certainly helps promote mindless safetyism and an ironclad commitment to administrative bloat.

DNA verification of the declared identity of all applicants, students, faculty, and staff will more effectively support MIT’s science-based DEI programs.

A founding member of MIT Divest, harassing MIT until it liquidates fossil fuel investments, Darya is learning how to work the levers of Democracy.

Congratulations, you are the Elect! We will empower you to grow into your mission as Social Justice Warriors determined to Build a Better World.

MIT’s Discrimination & Harassment Response Office wants you to know that a growing social justice strike force stands poised to smite identity malefactors.

“MIT’s founding presidents perpetrated grave injustices against my indigenous ancestors,” huffed Senator Warren, shaking her fists with poll-tested passion.

Every sexbot comes with optional piercings as well as interchangeable, monkeypox-resistant private parts enabling quick and easy anatomical reassignment.

In 2024 MIT will begin offering a Bachelor of Equity (BE) degree as an alternative to the systemically oppressive Bachelor of Science (BS) diploma.

Social scientists at MIT sound the alarm that allowing transparent public access to scientific data could lead to people thinking for themselves.

The new course will discuss the fallibility of objective reality and introduce the concept of Lived Experience as the primary guide to the physical world.

The key to the long sought Unified Field Theory has been found to be the addition of a fifth force more potent than them all. Black power.

Henceforth, every MIT professor will be assigned a full-time DEI commissar tasked with monitoring all lectures and research programs.

Who’s the leader of the mob that’s come for you and me? MIT..DEI..LOUSE. Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! there. You’re as cancelled as can be. MIT..DEI..LOUSE.

Do you feel daunted, drained, and lonely from the climate crisis? Have no fear, MIT’s Council for the Uncertain Human Future is here!

Nothing says diversity like an all-female team ensuring ethics, equity, and justice in engineering design, education, and human-robot interaction.

MIT’s chancellor Melissa Nobles immediately denounced the apostates, calling for an investigation and deplatforming of the entire AGU program committee.

Emerging from critical theory fever swamps, a child of intersectional “studies, a new religious strike force spreads terror throughout the land.

Become a chosen person and perform design justice pedagogy audits that will strike terror into the hearts of professors that have not yet bent the knee.

Hi, my name is Raffi. It’s been three months since my last act of woke appeasement. Serving as MIT’s president for ten years destroyed my reputation.

They laughed when I told them I was majoring in gender studies with a minor in indigenous justice. “Where are you going to get a job studying that crap?”

Separating people by skin color, sexual preference, national origin, and gender is the best way to contribute to a sense of one community.

The Beaver calls for more reader-submitted samizdat from fellow alums, faculty, and students, including raw story suggestions based on real campus outrages.

President Reif has declared August “Puke Pride Month” ordering the installation of vomitoria to accommodate our regurgitant brothers and sisters.

Science has proven that college swim tests are racist because just as it is a socially accepted stereotype that white men can’t jump, blacks can’t swim.

Embracing scholarship that destroys all semblance of reason and refusing to laugh in the face of patent absurdity signals a culture that has slid into the twilight zone.

Rather than chopping off offending body parts, pumping patients full of hormones, and grafting on fake genitals, just find a matched pair of gender dysphorics eager to swap heads.

Pushing the envelope of queerness in new directions is what MIT’s Consortium for Graduate Studies in Gender, Culture, Women & Sexuality is all about.

Stay heartsick and enraged over longstanding inequality and exploitation by systemically racist, sexist, and transphobic MIT colleagues because that’s how you enhance community.

Woke Man’s Burden requires ensuring that every field of human endeavor gets problematized, politicized, decolonized, and transgenderized.

Let us leverage indigenous knowledge to develop tasty bug stew recipes that can be simmered over a dung fire to advance environmental justice.

President L. Rafael Reif has called for a new ad hoc working group to recommend policies to protect righteous Twitter mob participants from having their feelings hurt.

Meritocratic elites don’t look like the rest of America. And nothing is more important than forcing every institution to look like the rest of America.

How large should annual reparations checks be, who should receive them, and who should pay for the sins of wicked dead people? MIT’s AI figures it out.

Is your DEI program getting stale.? Does it lack clear objectives beyond providing a talisman to mollify radical employees and ward off woke Twitter mobs?

Scientists must repent their racist ways, science publishing must shed its structural racism, and restorative justice must prevail.

The celebrated MIT Gender Identity Initiative (GII) has run afoul of trans activists who feel that six genders plus make-up-your-own is not enough.

The world needs empowered social entrepreneurs seeking social justice through social engineering and social science, since socialism has never been tried.

The DEI industrial complex at MIT keeps a keen eye on race and ethnicity statistics. From which identity group’s hide must social justice come?

Hey, watch MIT kind of, sort of, grow timber in a test tube! But it’s not quite practical yet. Just enough that our press release can fool journalists.

MIT scientists demonstrated that there is one substance that can be burned forever, yet will never run out. Research funding for climate hysteria.

They call me Lupe Fiasco, Wasalu Muhammad Jaco I was born. My daddy be Black Panther, make you whiteys so forlorn.

We’ve all become quite skilled at mouthing the right slogans and checking the right boxes while keeping our real thoughts to ourselves.

All hate is not created equal. We don’t acknowledge cultural pathologies that reflect badly on preferred identities, or dysfunction in progressive cities.

Excellence must be redefined to be made inclusive. Objective standards and a rigorous core curriculum must give way to other ways of knowing and being.