Nothing says Belonging like segregating students into separate identity groups to celebrate their passage into the real world.

Once upon a time every MIT graduate regardless of their race, color, creed, sex, or national origin was proud to be part of a unified alumni community that looked back on their halcyon college days knowing they were part of a common nerd tradition.

This cannot stand!

Under the leadership of two spineless presidents, driven by tireless ideologues from MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Scientism (SHASS), a great and powerful administrative army dedicated to spreading the blessings of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion transformed the world’s leading STEM university into a righteous social justice warrior factory spitting out angry oppressed graduates eager to Build a Better World ™.

We look forward to future additions to MIT’s segregated graduation ceremonies that will include special events for:

• Neurodivergent students on Adderall
• Chronic sufferers of climate anxiety
• Erotic vomiters fighting hegemonic gender formations
• Design Justice acolytes
• Islamic jihadist demanding death to Israel
• Settler-colonial Jew oppressors (if any are left)
• Innumerate SHASS graduate students
• Anyone who identifies as a furry

The pinnacle of Belonging will finally be achieved when MIT’s dorms, fraternities, classrooms, clubs, sports teams, and water fountains become segregated by identity, guaranteeing safe spaces for all.