MIT’s Dean of Superfluous Staff reacted angrily to a recent expose in The College Fix revealing that over the past ten years MIT has hired “12 additional staff for every one additional student.”

“Implementing our Belonging, Achievement, and Composition strategic action plan, as well as its predecessor Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion plan, following the prior Affirmative Action plan, required a substantial ramp-up of training, compliance, and grievance experts,” explained university spokesperson Letitia Cabeza-Vacía. “Can you imagine the student protests that might have erupted on campus had we not succeeded in creating a strong sense of community? You can thank the fine work of those additional 1,200 administrators.”

As for the therapy dogs at MIT’s Wellbeing Lab, they are a necessary complement to the alpacas at the Random Acts of Kindness petting zoo, which are only on campus one week a year.

And let’s not forget Spa Day, a beloved perq enjoyed by hard-working staff who like to kick back for some yoga and a massage. Or the Queer Career professional development office.

Staffing to support the proliferation of Employee Resource Groups (ERGs) is also a top priority, ensuring proper segregation of people by characteristics like skin color, sexual preference, national origin, and gender.

Finally, group therapy sessions conducted by the Council for the Uncertain Human Future and its fight against Climate Anxiety wouldn’t be possible without adequate support staff.

“Get used to it,” Cabeza-Vacía concluded. “History is on our side.”