MIT’s thundering herd of Deans, Assistant Deans, Associate Deans, Deputy Deans, and Diversity Officers met in joyous camaraderie to celebrate this year’s achievements. The vibrant sense of Belonging and Community enjoyed by MIT students, faculty, staff, and alumni on display for all the world to see can only be credited to their leadership.

Vowing to do even better next year, here are their top New Year’s resolutions:

10. Deny, Deny, Deny

DEI has nothing to do with the climate of hatred and fear prevailing on campus. Identitarian essentialism unites, it never divides. Critical Theory is not an enemy of enlightenment values, which by the way are tools of the white-supremacist patriarchy.

9. Scrub the names of all those dead white males off of MIT’s buildings

What have Aristotle, Archimedes, Euclid, Galileo, Newton, Darwin, Pasteur, Einstein, and Maxwell ever done to advance The Science?

8. Circle the wagon’s around President Sally Kornbluth

UPenn may have lost its head and Harvard’s first Affirmative Action president is hanging on by her fingernails. But we’ve got Sally “Deer-in-the-Headlights” Kornbluth right where we want her.

7. Double-down on mandatory diversity training

Wise leaders in Washington have proven that the best way to fix programs that aren’t working is to do more of them.

6. Invite more inclusive speakers to raise MIT’s consciousness

Asking Angela Davis to keynote MLK Day was a great start.  How about inviting Ted Kaczynski to give an economics lecture?

5. Eliminate systemically racist math and science courses from the core curriculum

MIT needs more humanities majors to compete with its Ivy League peers. It’s hard to attract gender studies majors if they have to pass physics and calculus.

4. Spawn more Social Justice Warrior training programs

Preparing students for a life of activism fighting capitalism, colonialism, racism, sexism, and transphobia is more important than mastering skills that lead to a productive career.

3. Recruit more professors from Oberlin

Oberlin graduates submit the best DEI Statements in the country.

2. Keep the Climate Crisis money rolling in

MIT has higher administrative costs per student than any other elite institution. Yet alumni donations are collapsing in reaction to the antisemitism explosion and endowment returns are taking a beating. Money to pay our handsome salaries has got to come from somewhere!

And the top resolution of the year is …

1. Hire more Deans, Assistant Deans, Associate Deans, Deputy Deans, and Diversity Officers.

Administrative growth can solve any problem.