Emboldened by the recent success of MIT’s graduate students forming a union to save them from grievous oppression and heartless exploitation, MIT’s undergrads have started a campaign to affiliate with the Amalgamated Mushroom Workers of America, inspired by their timeless motto.

Led by DEI admits who failed freshman calculus and physics after getting accepted without having to take the SATs, the list of demands includes eliminating the racist and sexist core curriculum, replacing letter grades with participation trophies, expanding the School of Humanities, Arts, and Socialist Sciences, separate but equal dorms for every registered identity group, a cry room in every building, and improved access to lube and pleasure educators.

Lame duck president L. Rafael Reif welcomed the opportunity to create yet another Ad Hoc Committee that will help keep MIT on the right side of history while staying out of the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal.

Story inspired by Little Caesar.