Checking all the boxes in his climb up the greasy pole of affirmative action academia, MIT’s newly hired Vice President of Equity and Inclusion Karl Reid has his work cut out for him.

Tasked with filling the bombed-out crater in the Shangri-La of Belonging left by MIT’s former Institute Chief Equity Officer (ICEO), Karl arrives on campus just as the seeds planted by MIT’s burgeoning DEI program reach full bloom.

“I realize that the student body, faculty, and alumni are tearing each other apart as long-suffering intersectional oppressed identities seek social justice from the river to the sea,” explained the Harvard-trained Doctor of Education. “But you can’t expect the colonial white supremacist cisheteropatriarchy to give up its systemic privileges without a fight.”

“Hiring Karl signals our determination to continue the DEI ground campaign until we achieve unconditional surrender, even if benighted alumni cut off their donations,” stressed Iron Chancellor Melissa Nobles.

The most important job of the new VPEI is to develop powerful narratives that will help MIT’s lawyers find legally plausible workarounds to the racist Supreme Court ruling banning racial discrimination. That and increasing the size of the administrative staff devoted to making sure everyone in the MIT community gets their minds right.

Welcome Karl! The Beaver looks forward to covering your exploits.