Running the world’s leading STEM university isn’t easy in today’s fraught times. Grabbing more than your fair share of tax dollars to keep research scientists funded while convincing alumni to open their wallets to help build a better world takes powerful narratives.

With the climate catastrophe narrative collapsing, taking hundreds of millions of dollars that had been supporting MIT’s faculty and bloated administration down with it, a massive pivot is called for.

What is the odds-on favorite to be the Next Big Thing? Ethically Sourced Spare Human Bodies!

As reported in Technology Review “recent advances in biotechnology now provide a pathway to producing living human bodies without the neural components that allow us to think, be aware, or feel pain.” They call these laboratory gestated creatures bodyoids.

Just think of the possibilities. Potential benefits go way beyond supplying conventional organ transplantation without having to warehouse Uyghurs, or enabling Mengele-level medical research without having to fuss with Institutional Review Boards.

Old heads can be attached to new bodies. Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell can rule forever!

Aspiring transpeople will be able to grow custom alternative sex organs, finally enabling biological women to father children and biological men to have babies.

And move over,  Soylent Green. Unused bodyoid parts can be processed into protein burgers, offering an attractive alternative to cricket flour. That should come in handy after they make it illegal to eat animals.

Best of all, MIT SOLVE activists are eagerly standing by to register bodyoids to vote. Because what could be more appealing to incumbent politicians than an army of brainless constituents controlled by people who have money?