With Hitler taking over the White House, climate change threatening our very existence, Zionism spreading genocide, and toxic masculinity refusing to die a well-deserved death, MIT’s Division of Student Infantilization has added yet another Petting Zoo Day to the academic calendar.

And none too soon! Proper mental health of fragile college students can only be maintained through constant affirmation and coddling, dispensed by highly paid administrators. Paxil and Zoloft can only do so much.

Vice Chancellor Suzy Nelson, Ph.D. in Education and highly accomplished former high school English teacher, was the perfect choice to mold the character of engineering and science students at the world’s leading STEM university. A key part of MIT’s hyper-feminized executive management team, Suzy knows that petting bunnies is an even more powerful stress reliever than snuggling your face into your Wide TIM security blanket.

“Our mission is to make sure every student enjoys psychological safety and a synthetic feeling of belonging,” Suzy explained as she served chamomile tea to a group of students traumatized when they learned that opinions that differed from their own were being expressed somewhere on campus.

“Normally our Petting Zoo is only open during Random Acts of Kindness Week. But since our students have been so brutalized by reality this semester and they won’t be able to get hugs from their mommies until after finals, we felt we’d better roll out the bunnies now.”