Waves of déjà vu shock and grief swept over MIT’s multitudinous DEI deans, assistant deans, associate deans, directors, advisors, investigators, adjudicators, trainers, managers, consultants, specialists, mentors, committee chairs, and staff members when they learned that the first DEI-hire presidential candidate lost her bid to become the leader of the free world.

“He’s baaack, and with the A team this time,” lamented Title IX Dean Demens Ignavus as xi packed xer bags to depart on a hastily arranged mental health sabbatical. “We were so close to permanently enshrining all the intersectional decolonizing genderfluid indigenous antiracist social justice safetyism principles we hold dear. Now we have nothing to look forward to but investigations, staff cuts, and rollbacks.”

“What good will the DEI expert certificate I paid $2,000 for do me now?” sighed Mindy Monologus, who just started her position as an IDHR bias response investigator. “I wonder if I can get my old job back at Starbucks?”

MIT’s School of Humanities, Arts and Socialist Scientism suspended classes for the remainder of the semester, inviting students to attend a series of smudging ceremonies and mental health drum circles designed to rid them of negative energies and emotions while promoting spiritual healing. MIT Medical was seen handing out free Xanax to long lines of weeping pink-haired graduate students from the soon to be terminated Gender, Culture, Women & Sexuality program.

The Beaver offers his faithful readers a hearty Aargh, with hopes that the woke mind virus pandemic will soon be over.