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MIT President appoints new Dean of Safe Spaces and Cry Rooms

MIT Cry Baby

MIT President Rafael Reif today reacted with customary panic and appeasement to two anonymous reports of Free Speech Event Trauma submitted via the Institute Microaggression Thoughtcrime Response (IMTR) hotline. “I’m pleased to appoint former Oberlin intersectional protest coordinator Arbee Lachrymosian as the new Dean of Safe Spaces and Cry Rooms,” he announced as he passed out scented tissues.

Despite repeatedly lowering academic standards to reduce student stress and enable deeper inclusiveness of the less capable, social scientists ensconced in the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences determined that today’s heartsick, anguished, and enraged students have the lowest level of resilience to unwelcome ideas since Galileo was brought up on charges. “We must cater to their every grievance, fear, and psychological weakness,” Dr. Reif advised. “This will better prepare our fragile graduates for a life of victimhood in the dysfunctional workplaces they will soon be entering.”

Story submitted by Thalia. Photoshop credit: Jawad Baig

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