Regular readers of MIT News are accustomed to being bombarded with stories singing the praises of MIT students championing fashionable causes. It shows how hard the administration is working to signal that the new MIT has moved beyond training scientists and engineers who actually build things. What matters most these days is launching the careers of social activists and policy dilettantes who yearn to spend their lives as compassionate anointed Experts™ telling other people what to do.

The latest hagiography of student Cindy Xie wins this year’s Woke Pentathlon Prize, surpassing even 2022’s winner.

The multidimensional laundry list of righteous causes and noble organizations our jet-setting urban studies and planning major has involved herself in leaves mere mortals agog:

Community-led environmental justice, collective climate action, planetary health initiatives, spirituality and the arts, social justice, birthing justice, cultural transformation, medical anthropology, the power of storytelling, pan-Asian advocacy, low-income Latina immigrant communal land trust advocacy, holistic framing of mental health stigma, Pacific islander policy, fashion publication writer, sexual violence victim supporter, gender race and relationship performing artist.

Putting Zelig to shame, even a cursory web search shows Cindy popping up everywhere.

“I’m interested in working in policy or academia or somewhere in between the two, sort of around this idea of partnership and alliance building,” explains the future thought leader of the New World Order.

The Beaver apologizes for not making up a single word of this and will return to searing satire, pungent parody, and silly songs in future episodes.